Lunchtime encounters of the wtf? kind

The BBQ Pit
1

Posted in the pit for content. I’m not really pitting the other individual in this story, since I really thought it was very funny and he made my day interesting.

Anyway, let’s set the scene.

Me - enjoying a smoke outside my building on Capitol Hill. Sitting there, minding my own business.

And yes, I know, smoking is a nasty, horrible habit, and I really shouldn’t do it. But I actually go out of my way to make sure I’m not really close to anybody else when I go outside to smoke, so as to not bother them. This usually isn’t really a problem. There is ample space on the parks/streets/etc. outside my building in which to enjoy one of my vices on a nice day, and hopefully not spoil it for anybody else.

Anyway. So there I am. Sitting on a ledge, having a cigarette.

Suddenly, a man approaches me, and we begin an interesting conversation:

Crazy Man: WOULD YOU FORSAKE THE VICTIMS OF 9/11?
Me: Umm… sort of confused, since this isn’t usually the sort of thing that happens when I’m outside No, No I wouldn’t. (at this point, I’m thinking “Oh, great. Political zealot. But maybe he has an interesting pamphlet”)

Crazy Man: Would you smoke in front of Christ?

Me: (disclaimer: I’m an atheist) Umm… yes, I suppose I would. (at this point, I’m pretty convinced he is not a simple political zealot)

Crazy Man: YOU WOULD FORSAKE CHRIST? AND YOU WOULD ALSO BE FORSAKEN?!?! (I hate the ?! construct too, but I swear that’s how he said it)

Me: Yeeeess… I guess I… would, then.

Crazy Man: Do you know you have a fat chin?

Me: (starting to giggle) Yeah, I suppose I do. Thanks for noticing.

Crazy Man: Are you a single man?

Me: (really starting to giggle at this point) Yes, yes I am.

Crazy Man: Do you ever expect to get a date being such a fat fuck?

Me: (laughing openly) By your standards, I guess I shouldn’t. (still laughing)

Crazy Man: So why are you making me breathe that CRAP, you FAT FUCK?

Me: (stop laughing long enough to go “huh?”. I should also mention that under normal circumstances, if somebody had come up to me and said “Excuse me, I don’t want to breathe that, can you put it out,” I would have gladly done so, but not in this case) Well, the logical… (end of the sentence was going to be: “thing for you to do would be to move out of the entrance to the parking garage”).

Crazy Man: NO! Stop with your logic! This is about RELIGION you FAT FUCK!

Me: It is?

Crazy Man: storms off THANKS FOR FORSAKING CHRIST YOU RELIGIOUS FAT FUCK!

Me: You’re welcome! Have a nice day!

So… seriously, like… wtf? I think he was trying to tell me that I was going to hell, but I’m not really sure. But this guy totally made my day. What started out as being an alright Monday with decent weather has now turned into an interesting Monday with ample material for me to laugh about for at least the rest of the day.

Crazy Man, where ever you are, thank you.

  • TeleTron “Religious Fat Fuck With A Fat Chin” One
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“For verily, I say unto thee, only slender non-smokers will be welcomed into Heaven.” – Gospel According to Fundamentius 7:34

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Ah-ha! I knew it was probably in the back somewhere! :smiley:

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Also, you smoke.

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“Whole lotta forsakin’ going on!”

…your Monday has thus far been WAY more interesting that mine, I’m jealous! Bring on the crazies!

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So he went from asking about the victims of the terrorist attacks to your religion, mentioned your weight problem and if you had difficulties finding dates, and somehow this was all tied into your smoking outside?

Very surreal.

I will agree that logic has very little to do with religion. And vice versa :wink:

7

Yes, I was thuroughly confused, but very amused the whole time.

I suppose it might also be interesting to point out that I could certainly stand to lose a few pounds, but this is probably the first time I’ve ever been called anything like a “fat fuck.”

Am I wrong about this? Anybody who’s actually met me in real life before care to chime in? I certainly wouldn’t want to be forsaken, or to forsake myself… because it probably supports the terrorists.

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You know, I only had to give him a dollar to do that. :smiley:

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And, you are not a fat fuck.

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phew

settles comfortably back into “fat asshat” territory :smiley:

I was worried for a minute there that I was going to have to change my business cards.

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TeleTronOne , I’m surprised you didn’t stand up, look him in the eye, point to the right and say:

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Dude, I cannot believe you smoke. Didn’t you know that stuff causes cancer? It’s proven you know! Apparently, if a bear shits in the woods, ciagarettes are linked to cancer, even worse, they cause cancer. :slight_smile: OMFG!

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Hmmmmmmmm crazies are so funny.

I was in a cutsie coffeeshop Saturday (not a chain; it was family-owned or something, and very intimate) and this really nicely-dressed, young, Asian woman was sitting at a table talking to herself. I thought she must have been using one of those weird cell-phone headset things, but she wasn’t. I walked past and all I heard was, “The prosecutor the prosecutor!”

It was so odd. She kept screaming these things at other people as they walked by.

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I don’t think you’re fat! I guess if Crazy Man is comparing you to those stick-thin starved super model types, then maybe; but IMO you’re of average build and definetly not “fat.” What a whack job. Did he look like a homeless person? or was he a suit-wearing Hill type?

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Oh, I should also mention that this guy had about as much meat on him as a Chicken McNugget.

He actually looked pretty together when I first saw him, which is why I thought he was some sort of random political activist (which he might have been, just an extra-crazy one). He certainly didn’t look homeless, he looked more like a tourist. T-shirt, shorts, camera, hat. Camera looked expensive.

I’m used to seeing political activists and protestors of all sorts out here, it is Capitol Hill after all. But usually if they talk to me they’re very polite and nice. Some of the anti-war protestor people we had out here several months ago were actually quite nice, and I had several lively conversations with some of them.

But this is the first guy who has actually gotten to the point of almost scaring me. He was yelling so loud that people were looking over at us (and, I’m happy to say, more than a few of them were at least chuckling). If he hadn’t stormed off when he did, I might have tried to get the attention of one of the machine-gun wielding CP officers.

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Dude, I think I’ve seen that guy before. Seriously, last week in front of Rayburn he was harrassing some other dude.

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That would make perfect sense… I guess he just moved to the other side of the Capitol… this was in front of Russell. Wierd… well, if you see him, be sure to tell him I said “hi”!

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Seriously, this type of shit happens all the time on the hill. Once at the Capital South Metro Station an older gentleman came up to me and asked me if I knew that the CIA was harrassing his notary public. I disavowed all knowledge of the CIA’s secret plan to harass notaries.

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OMG! You met John Ashcroft?

Cool!

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those crazy fuck types don’t get one word past me.