Mama Lynn Bodoni will seal your fate.
And if Lynn shows some empathy…
Mama’s gonna send her some Godiva chocolates and tea
And if that tea has to much caffiene…
Mama’ll be nice and wired for Dope-a-Ween!
And if Dope-A-Ween fails to ring your bell…
then surely the Admin will doom this thread to hell
and if in hell this thread won’t burn
Mama’s gonna buy you a boston fern.
If that boston fern turns brown,
Mama’s gonna buy you a wedding gown
If that wedding gown gets soiled,
Mama’s gonna buy you a field of oil
If that field of oil don’t pump,
Mama’s gonna buy you Forrest Gump
If Forrest don’t run fast enough
Mama’s gonna buy a real Kenyan.
And if he just ain’t got the yen,
He’ll have to appear on ‘Call my Bluff’
And if he don’t make a TV star
He can always come and wash the car
But if he leaves that car too streaky
Momma’s gonna dig up Louis Leakey
And if she gets lost in Olduvai Gorge…
She’ll be assimilated by the Borg [?]
And if Picard won’t come to her rescue
And if Picard won’t come to her rescue
She wake up from her dream with a mighty flu,
And if that flu makes her icky and gross…
I’ll get some drugs and give her a dose.
And if to the drugs she just says NO
Nancy Reagan will say “Hey! Way to go!”
And if Nancy Reagan’s facelift should snap…
momma’s gonna need an afternoon nap
and if momma can’t get some proper rest…
She can have hot sex with Georgie Best
And if he has no balls left
momma’ll have to find someone a bit more deft
and if momma can’t get you a date with Adam Scott
She can try Brad Pitt - he’s much more hot
But if Brad won’t perform for me
But if Brad won’t perform for me
You’ll just have to settle for the washing machine, 
And if those “vibes” make your butt numb…
Mama’s gonna buy me a titanium bum.
And if my pants won’t fit on my shiny new parts
I’ll fart some atomic farts
And if those farts should be duds
Mama’s gonna take me to Elmer Fudd’s
And if “Fuddsie” gets out his gun…