momma’ll will again litigate for untold riches
and if those riches won’t soon be yours
momma’ll make sure you stay indoors
and if confinement won’t help you heal
momma’s gonna get you a “spot” on “the wheel”
and if your fortune’s not won on t.v.
momma’s gonna take you to live by the sea
and if you hate that sand getting in your crack…
You can join with Whitney in saying “crack is whack.”
And if you realize that that’s not what that means…
you can trade your sand for “magic beans”
and if those beans don’t make you trip…
You can go and hide under Momma’s slip.
And if doing that gives your mind a schism…
momma’s knows you’ll be accused of amoralism
and since your morals won’t be a tell
momma’s gonna pray you won’t go to hell
and if that prayer won’t save your soul
momma’s gonna dance around a totem pole
and if that dance won’t cause a rain
momma’s gonna send you to bahrain
and if you can’t find happiness there
Mama’s gonna cut up your old teddy bear (hey, tickets to Bahrain are expensive, kid!)
And if cut up teddy makes you cry…
Mama’s gonna sell you to Captain Bligh.
And if Captain Bligh ain’t satisfied…
Mama’s gonna bid Captain Bligh bigh-bigh
And if Captain Bligh should then mutiny
Mama’s gonna make sure he gets scurvy.
And if that scurvy doesn’t do him in…
300 posts!
And if that scurvy doesn’t do him in…
Momma’s gonna jab him with a drawing pin,
And if the pin should make him pop…
Then he’ll liquify like a lollipop
But when that doth make its jab…
You can feed what’s left to your pet crab.
If your crab then wants more food
Let him eat your mother while he’s in the mood.
If you then get charged with murder
If you then get charged with murder
Mama’s gonna find you a new sheep herder.
And if that herder his sheep won’t diddle…
but mama’s just been eaten by the crab - or did she rise again from the dead???
Find a pond, drop him in the middle.
If he just can’t swim to shore
Then with the fishes he will snore
And if those fishes should revolt
Stick them in a prison with a great big bolt.
If you want to get away from it all
If you want to get away from it all
Take Zombie Mama to the shopping mall
but if that mall isn’t air-cinditioned…
but if that mall isn’t air-cinditioned…
Momma’ll go to Congress with a signed petition,
And if that petition is ratified…
(Is that right, I don’t know much about US politics)
Mama will be very gratified.
And if this song turns into a very long Thread
And if this song turns into a very long Thread
Don’t tell us or we’ll make it dead,
And if we try to recreate…