But if some con wants to make you a bitch…
Mama’ll whoop his ass with a hickory switch.
But if that switch should be too frail…
momma’s gonna get you a cell with a pretty she-male
and if that she-male doesn’t tickle your fancy…
You can always reenact Sid and Nancy.
And if Sid ‘n’ Nancy proves too grim…
Mamma’s gonna put you in a cell with a man named “Slim”
If “Slim” turns out to be a perv…
If “Slim” turns out to be a perv…
Mama’s gonna make you an asparagus hors d’oeuvre.
But if that asparagus should be too woody…
Mama’s gonna make that woody a goody.
And is that asparagus gets soft
Mama’s gonna call Sid and Marty Krofft.
And if Witchy-Poo should come along…
And if Witchy-Poo should come along…
Momma’s gonna break out the ol’ shotgun,
But if that shotgun ain’t got rounds…
Mama’s gonna get some and shoot up the grounds
Should mama happen to hit a gopher…
momma’s gonna send you to live with Marty Stouffer
and if that Marty starts to bore you with his one-hour specials
(Whaddya say, gang, let’s let OneYogini finde something that rhymes with “specials,” shall we?")
and if that Marty starts to bore you with his one-hour specials…
Mommas gonna start to claw for his blood vessels,
(Come on, give me some credit. 
)
And if that blood does stain your clothes…
Mama’s gonna turn on her high powered hose.
And if that hose gives you a thrill
Mama will get you a barby grill
And if that barby don’t get hot
Momma’s gonna buy you a used car lot
And if all the cars you get are beaters…
And if all the cars you get are beaters…
momma’ll introduce you to one of those Wal-mart greeters
and if that greeter’s Social Security runs out…
and if that greeter’s Social Security runs out…
Momma’ll help you “get rid” of that lout.
But if the lout’s shallow grave should be discovered…
It’ll be because Security hovered.
And if you try to off the Rent-A-Cop…
He’ll give you a yenta-bop.
And if that bop makes you pass out
And if that bop makes you pass out
You’ll wake up in a bathtub with a kidney out,
And if that means that you need stitches…