momma’s gonna buy you a poolside fountain
and if that fountain doesn’t remind of Heff’s grotto
Whisper the truth to Renata Scotto
And if La Scotto commences to faint,
Mama’s gonna buy off the pope and make you a saint.
If it turns out a saint you ain’t…
If it turns out a saint you ain’t…
Then the Church’ll use the chloroform until you faint,
And when you wake in the middle of the sea…
Mama’s gonna make you a nice pot of tea
And if that tea has to much caffiene…
momma’s gonna get you a brand new scene
and if that scene isn’t hip and swingin’
and if that scene isn’t hip and swingin’
Momma’s gonna put you in a choir for singin’
But if you sound like a wounded dog…
mama’s gonna buy you an A-Team pog
and if that pog gets soggy and wet
and if that pog gets soggy and wet
momma’s gonna buy you a lovely tea set
and if you have no imaginary friends to invite to this party
momma’s gonna buy you a big purple dinosaur
and if that dinosaur don’t love you
Mama’s gonna take that tea set back to Wal*Marty
And if Wal*Mart won’t give a cash refund…
Blackdragon didn’t rhyme with party so mine counts! 
And if WalMart won’t give a cash refund…*
momma’s gonna search for Ilsa Lund
and if that Doper won’t give you his time
I didn’t rhyme on purpose so
momma’s going buy you a book on “How to Rhyme”
and if that book don’t learn ya’
Mama’s gonna give you an ischiatic hernia.
And if that hernia don’t protrude through your sacrosciatic foramen…
Mama’s gonna buy you a grill made by George Foreman
And if that grill burns down the house…
Mama’s gonna ship you off to Taos
And if New Mexico is too boring…
At least you don’t have to deal with Herman Goering.
And if you should dream about “The Boys from Brazil” …
Mama’s gonna buy you the Lafayette Espadrille.
And if that Espadrille don’t fly…
Mama’s gonna poke you in the eye.
And if your eyeball should fall out…