momma’ll buy you a patch and rubber trout
and if that trout won’t get you laughs
mama’s gonna throw you back into the past
and if you accidentally cause the extinction of mankind…
Mama’s gonna feed you a kumquat rind
And if that kumquat tastes too tart…
Mama’s gonna let off a putrid fart
And if that fart makes the place explode
And if that fart makes the place explode
Momma’s gonna buy you a new commode,
But if that place is a little cramped…
But if that place is a little cramped…
Mama’s gonna get your passport stamped
And if your passport’s lost in France…
Mama’s gonna marry Jack Palance.
And if that marriage to Jack don’t work…
And if that marriage to Jack don’t work…
Momma’s gonna buy you some beef that’s jerked,
But if you decide you’re a vegan now…
But if you decide you’re a vegan now…
momma’s gonna try and sell that cow
and if she doesn’t get magic beans in return
odd…i think that’s the second time i’ve used “magic beans” in this thread. lol.
and if she doesn’t get magic beans in return
She’ll queue with the others and wait her turn,
But if in that queue someone pushes in…
But if in that queue someone pushes in…
momma’s gonna stuff them in a rubbish bin
and if that bin begins to smell of rot
…away you’ll both go, in a nice, brisk, trot
And if that trot should start to flag…
Mama’s gonna start to nag and nag.
And if her bitchin’ makes you twitchy
Mama’s gonna buy you a mangy ol’ nag.
And if that mangy nag gives you fleas…
Damn!
Mama’s gonna spank you with a big ol’ switchy
And if you start to squeal and cry…
You might end up in a film by Guy Richey.
And if your costar is his wife, Madonna…
Sorry, swampy, you weren’t even close.
Nope, twicks I beat ya to it. You gotta do mine! 
Mama’s gonna go hide in the sauna.
And if that sauna makes mama all wrinkled…
Iron her well with some water sprinkled.
And if Mama’s wrinkles can’t be erased
And if Mama’s wrinkles can’t be erased
momma’s gonna go for some botox, well placed
and if that botox won’t tighten her wrinkly mug
Mama’s gonna get advice from Cecil and Slug.
When Cecil and Slug make her all better…