Mamma’s gonna ram the ER with her car.
And if that car gets a dent…
And if that car gets a dent…
Momma’s gonna go without a car for Lent,
and if that doesn’t get her into Heaven…
and if that doesn’t get her into Heaven…
momma’s gonna ask for her own 7-11
and if that convenience store breaks the bank
Mama’s gonna buy you a Sherman tank.
And if you decide to mount an invasion…
Mama’s gonna buy you a quadratic equation.
And if that equation don’t add up…
Mama’s gonna buy you a rabid pup.
And if that rabid pup should bite you…
mama’s gonna buy you a voiceless /u_0/
and if that /u_0/ should become creaky voiced
Mama’s gonna call up Dr. Joyce.
If Dr. Joyce tells mama you’re a godless queer…
If Dr. Joyce tells mama you’re a godless queer…
momma’s gonna send you to San Francisco for a year
and if in a year you don’t find yourself a stud
Mama’s gonna buy you a case of Bud.
And if that case of Bud don’t fizz…
A bottle of whiskey should do the biz.
And if that whiskey should get you blutered
You’ll awaken in Troy to find ya been neutered.
And if the eunuch’s life ain’t grand,
And if the eunuch’s life ain’t grand,
Momma’s gonna buy you a piece of land,
And if under that land some oil is found…
Mama’s gonna be Beverly Hills bound.
And if she moves in next door to Mrs. Drysdale…
And if she moves in next door to Mrs. Drysdale…
momma’s gonna go to Milburn’s bank to close the sale
and if Ms. Jane Hathaway should block the door
Procol Harum will arrive and play “Conquistador.”
And should you request “A Whiter Shade of Pale”…
Mama’s gonna hook you up with a porno male.
And if that porno male should go limp…
You might go for a flight on the Goodyear Blimp.
And if the blimp should go kerplooie…
And if the blimp should go kerplooie…
Momma’s gonna catch you a doper newbie,
And if that newbie asks about Opal?
Mama’s gonna ship you off to Constantinople
If Constantinople gets the works…