And if that joint don’t get her stoned
Momma’s gonna buy a dinosaur bone,
And if she tries to clone T-Rex…
She’ll be joining the Jurrasic Park crew next
And if monsters just don’t turn you on
And if monsters just don’t turn you on
Momma’s gonna buy you some long-johns,
And if that don’t make you feel manly…
And if that don’t make you feel manly…
momma’ll suggest you some tools by Stanley
and if feeling manly isn’t your goal
Put on a dress and she’ll teach you how to bowl
And if you just can’t handle that ball
momma’s gonna teach you a dodo’s mating call
and if that mating call brings you a dud
Mama’s gonna play Aunt Eller to your Jud
And if that revival don’t win a Tony…
You can go for a spin on a big Zamboni
And if that Zamboni should go into a skid…
Mama’s gonna sell you for an e-bay bid
And if you don’t want to be sold off
Mama’s gonna make you a Grand Moff
and if you’re killed when the Death Star explodes
and if you’re killed when the Death Star explodes
Momma’s gonna buy you a singing toad,
But if you don’t like slimy things…
Mama’s gonna buy you a tshirt that clings.
And if that tshirt is to revealing…
And if that tshirt is to revealing…
Momma’s gonna hang you from the ceiling,
And if you decide you don’t like heights…
And if you decide you don’t like heights…
momma’ll take you to Europe to enjoy the sites
and if you can’t find a handsome suitor there…
Mama’s gonna take you out on the tear.
And if you pick up some gorgeous fella
And if you pick up some gorgeous fella
if he’s Italian, he’ll call you bella
and if you prefer a Scottish gent
Look under his kilt before you consent
And if he isn’t too well hung
Mamma’s gonna find you one that’s young.
And if that young one ain’t big and burly…
Mama’s gonna grab him by the short and curlie[s]
And if he’s waxed that hair all off
Mama’s gonna play him a round of golf.
And if that golf’s played by the sea…