And if that bunch of chives don’t stink
Mama’s gonna take you to the skating rink.
And if that skating rink gets rated
:smack:
Mama’s gonna take you to the skating rink
And if tha skating rink gets raided
and if that skating rink gets raided
momma’s gonna call that judge you dated
and if that judge won’t let you walk
Mama’s gonna get ya star to stalk
And if that star you stalk takes out a warrant
Mama’s gonna buy a star less abhorrent.
And if that star wins the Academy Award…
“And if that star wins the Academy Award…”
Momma’s gonna buy you a Ouija board
And if that Ouija board tells lies…
Mama’s gonna buy you a great big gourd.
And if that great big gourd should rot…
Mama’s gonna go proselytize.
And if the heathens beat her to a pulp…
Mama’s gonna buy you a Big Gulp.
And if that Big Gulp makes you choke
Mama’s gonna buy you a pack of smokes;
And if the tobacco stunts your growth,
And if the tobacco stunts your growth,
momma’ll testify under oath
and if the court says momma perjured herself…
Mama and you will leave the country by stealth.
If we are stopped by the border guard…
Mama’ll read sonnets by the “bard”
And if those sonnets fail to soothe…
Mama will have them read by Catharine DeNeuve
If she fails to get applause
Mama’s gonna bring on Santa Claus
If Santa should show up drunk
…Odds are good he’ll go “ker-plunk”
And if St. Nick should not come to…
then momma’ll hire a band for you
and if that band plays the Electric Slide
Mama’s gonna buy you a rhino hide.
And if that rhino hide ain’t tough…
Mama’s gonna by you some dippin’ snuff.
And if that dippin’ snuff makes you sneeze…