And, if you think that the supervisor values your friendship over his own job/his family’s livlihood.
otherwise, keep a sock in it.
BTW, I don’t think you need to lawyer up, (don’t know why I wrote that), just need to talk to one and see what your options are.
After 61 posts, nobody has mentioned this (other than the OP).
Is it realistic to ask her to quit? Wouldn’t that solve most of the problem?
Maybe use contacts in your industry to find her a similar job elsewhere?
And if it is an option , why would you “never ask someone to do that”?
It could save your job, your financial future(well, $25,000 a year), and your 8-year long relationship with someone you love–in short, your entire life.
I think I’m not understanding something here.
Listen, if I’m his boss and he comes to me with this story, I go straight to HR; otherwise he’s drawn me into her potential lawsuit as conspiring to help cover it up.
Because a lot of this is inverted leverage.
The subordinate can say 'I did ‘x’ because manager said he would ‘take care of me’ and the manager left me hanging. The subordinate has the power to accuse and the manager is guilty until proven innocent.
The best the manager can hope for is status quo, and the manager is not happy with that.
Possible end result(s); manager doesn’t keep his word to the subordinate, manager trusts people who don’t make good decisions, manager doesn’t make good decisions but mostly manager puts the company at risk…manager is not a manager.
Now, I’m even more confused.
If the OP could convince the girl to quit (which he says she is willing to do), and then use his professional contacts to help her get a new job somewhere else in the industry, so she isn’t too bitter*---- hasn’t he removed most of the problem?
It’s still a personal problem for him if she keeps stalking him and calling his lover, etc.
But surely,unless she immediately files a grievance at HR over unjust firing, after a week it would no longer be a work-related problem.She’s no longer an employee there , and she’s on record as having quit voluntarily.
(Disclaimer: I have zero experience with this type of stuff–I’ve worked for 30 years in small businesses with about 5 employees)
*(maybe!–to me, she seems not just bitter, but also unstable… but what do I know? )
Given what the OP said, I’m pretty convinced that she will create problems. She’s clearly infatuated with him and hhas her own set of problems to begin with.
It’s not certain, because I’ve known women who completely took all the burdens upon themselves wrt to the guy they were in love with. But then I find this unjust. If someone must lose his job over the issue, it shouldn’t be her, the subordinate who presumably will have a more difficult time finding a new job.
Now, if the OP can actually find her another fitting job, that’s different.
And if anyone doubts this could be an issue, google Best Buy CEO scandal.
The CEO Brian Dunn had a consensual relationship with a staffer. He got fired.
The COB and founder of the company Dick Schultz knew about it and hadn’t done anything, he got fired.
Now, the Best Buy board has some reasons to get rid of these two guys, who’d done a poor job of seeing the impact of the internet and digital media on their retail business (digital music, flash in the pan) - but they went down due to the relationship.
That movie popped into my head, when I was halfway through the original post that started this thread. The scene where Douglas is giving his little presentation, and Demi sees her image on the Malaysian video (leading to Douglas mouthing the words ‘bye bye’) is cinema gold.
Ha!
Welllll… For anyone following along, here’s the update…
I “broke it off” but it didn’t work. She worked her way back to me. We slept together a couple more times. I said no each time, and denied her for a while, but not trying to make excuses - I knew it was going to happen. She would text to convince me to let her come over for an hour or two with me saying no, and eventually call me. I almost always gave in.
Her friend (the one who knows at work) adamantly warned me to get the hell away, she was crazy for me - and possibly in general. Eventually her friend told her that they couldn’t be friends anymore. She liked me too much to watch her destroy my life. Shortly after that we came to an agreement, we both had fun and enjoyed our time together, but we HAD to stop this…NOW. We said our goodbyes and I waited for it to start up again in a week.
Unfortunately, we didn’t make it a week. Her husband was out of town, and already suspicious she was having an affair. She called his mom the day before and told her about her intentions to file for divorce. Presumably his mom told him, and he came home by surprise in the middle of the night, trying to catch her with someone. He didn’t, but he checked her cell phone. There was nothing from me, everything was deleted. She didn’t, however, delete the messages from her friend which were all about me. Stuff such as -
Friend - You seem happy. Either you hooked up with XXXXX or you and XXXXX got together again.
Her - Well lets just say it wasn’t XXXX
Friend - I fucking knew it, your both stupid as hell.
Her - I know. It’s all my fault too.
Friend - I don’t feel sorry for either of you, your both adults, but this is all your fault. He tried to get rid of you a bunch of times, but you won’t let him.
Her - I know. I don’t know why I like him so much. He makes me laugh. I love spending time with him.
Her - And my vagina loves him
Her- It’s such a fucked up situation. I think about him and cry myself to sleep at night. I don’t know what to do.
Friend - I decided we can’t be close friends anymore, I like XXXX way too much to watch you destroy his life. What you guys do is your own business, but I want no part in it.
Her - He never had a chance once I decided I wanted him.
And a bunch more incriminating shit…
She then told him everything, more or less from the beginning. He mentioned his intentions of destroying my life…and of course serious physical harm.
So he went crazy that night. Packed up his stuff and went to his parents. Woke them up in the middle of the night and read all the texts to them.
I woke up to texts from her and the friend. Told my girlfriend of 9 years on the spot. Obviously she was devastated. She took things way better than she should have, and wants to work things out. I don’t know that we can.
Stuff has progressed, and I won’t mention all the details here as it would be 100 pages long. I’m trying to plan my next move, but realize I don’t really have any good ones. Work still doesn’t know, but that can’t go on forever. We’ve discussed her quitting, and coming clean to my superiors once she doesn’t work there anymore. At least that way they find out from me, and it shows we realized we were wrong and solved the problem (One of us quit). I don’t know that we have that kind of time, but I’ve really got nothing. I’m still waiting on him to come through on his threats. She’s insisting I get a restraining order, because she actually thinks he might kill me. I told her no way, that wouldn’t solve anything, and if someone wanted to do something, a restraining order wouldn’t help.
Anyway, just my long update. I’d ask for advice, but don’t think there is advice to be given at this point. I realize I completely fucked up, I was in control of my decisions and I made very poor ones, and I deserve whatever is coming to me.
The only positive is at least the texts paint the true picture of the situation - That I did say no, but gave in. And that I was never the pursuer. Not that it gets me very far…
Dear [del]Judge[/del] HR,
I didn’t [del]pull the trigger[/del] want to sleep with her, I only [del]drove the getaway car[/del] slept with my subordinate. Multiple times. Including two weeks after I (supposedly) stopped & came to my senses.
See, this shows I make decisions in line with what the company would want & you should keep me on.
herewego, think of it like you’re on this big ship named the Titanic & there’s a big iceberg behind you. A $25,000 paycut is better than a 100% paycut.
Having a hard time not seeing this as a completely made-up story, it’s so laughably ludicrous. You’ve shown yourself completely unwilling and incapable at managing yourself or her. You can’t keep your dick in your pants, even after you know it’s going to cost you your job. You’re either a complete fuck-up, or a complete troll.
Who cares who pursued whom? All that matters is that you opted to enter into a relationship that you knew would cost you your job. And then opted to continue it. Repeatedly. So laughably ludicrous that it’s hard to believe someone could be so incompetent. Either find a new job, pronto, where you’re not asked to manage anyone, or find a new message board where they’re more gullible. Hey, you’re not etv78, are you?
herewego, I read this thread earlier but never commented because you’d already received very good advice.
Thanks for the update but…have you started looking for another job yet, as suggested by several people? As in, pronto, yesterday? Because the dominoes are starting to fall and your job is probably next. It seems you are still trying to evade responsibility and laying the blame on your co-worker. That’s disgusting behaviour and if I may say so, misogynistic. You’re 100 percent blaming this woman for the fact you couldn’t keep it in your pants. Way to go, how manly of you. That is really pathetic, as is the fact that she finds such a weak man attractive. No sympathy here, and good luck finding another job. Hopefully you are putting out your resume now.
No need for a lawyer, it’s way too early in the game. But dude, you’ve got to start taking some responsibility for your actions. Unless you’re claiming she raped you (which nothing in the thread indicates), you *chose *to have sex with this woman. You chose to keep having sex with her even after making this thread. You don’t deserve to keep your relationship.
Go slap your mother for never teaching you that “S/he started it” is never an excuse.
Seriously, you keep hammering at this point like you think it’s meaningful in some way. It’s not. It’s stupid, it’s pathetic, it’s weak, it’s ridiculous and IT’S RIDICULOUS. You can’t even take responsibility for your own actions while taking responsibility. No one is going to think better of you for pointing out that she pursued you. It is not a mitigating factor. Your actions have all been stupid and dishonorable, but this constant harping about her pursuing you is the bit that just crosses the line from distasteful to repulsive.
Agreed.
[QUOTE=herewego]
She liked me too much to watch her destroy my life.
[/QUOTE]
It doesn’t sound like the ‘‘friend’’ is helping much, either. You’re destroying your own life.
This.
I think our esteemed OP will soon be changing his user name to therehewent.
Thanks for the replies, even if they are harsh.
Shes already talking to people at work, though I’m not 100% sure what she’s all told them. I unfortunately have to take a week long business trip this week, and fear that this won’t stay quiet until I return. I have decided that when I do return, I am speaking to a good friend who happens to be fairly high ranking at the company. I’ll get advice from them, which won’t be pretty, and than I’m going to come clean to my boss. It’s not worth the stress of the situation when ultimately it’s out of my control at this point. It’s obviously getting out, and probably soon. It would be better for them to hear it from me, although the outcome is likely the same.
Though my girlfriend was originally quick to want to work things out, I refuse to beg for her back, and have told her it’s probably best to go our separate ways.
Bolding below is mine:
I wouldn’t wait a week. This stuff spreads like wildfire once it gets out.
Do you really want to hear on your business trip that HR need to speak to you urgently? Or worse, that they want you to cancel the rest of the trip and return?
You’ll salvage something if you own up - otherwise the company will think you always meant to cover it all up…