Life has been sucking a big one and so I have been feeling really crappy lately. (No hugs needed, its just the set up.)
Expressing this to an ex of mine got some very nice attention. He’s a nice, sweet guy. I’m not going to be his gf again any time soon. But he wants me to be happy. Along with wanting me to be his. We try to balance this out as best we can.
Tonight he called and told me to eat dinner. So he took me out. I met him at his car and he had flowers for me. Not sweet friend flowers like a few daisies or some baby’s breath…two dozen roses in pale yellow and pink. To match the Tigger balloon they were with. (I like Tigger. I like roses too.)
I smiled, which felt good, it being a new thing recently. We had a decent evening. Except…He got really touchy and well, hit on me. Hard core. To the point that if it was anyone else I would have called police or a lawyer. He wouldn’t take no for a long, long time.
I don’t owe him anything for this, do I? Manners wise? Should I have refused the flowers? Should I not hang out with him in the future? Any suggustions?
Give him an thank you card for the flowers, but state in the card that you have absolutely no intention of getting back together with him. Be as blunt as possible. Some people don’t take the hint unless you tell them right out.
Be blunt.
If he still won’t take the hint, get VERY VERY firm.
I had a “friend” who eventually ended up borderline stalking me because I couldnt’ always be there when he wanted me to.
I had to break it off with him.
He may still just be at a point where he assumes any positive contact with you could mean a romantic reconciliation. Of course there’s no way for an outsider to judge that accurately, but some people never get past it. You may need to stop communicating with him for a while.
My other random (and totally cynical) opinion on exes: you broke up for a reason, but you were initially attracted for a lot of reasons too. I don’t think it’s possible to stay friends in most cases. The hardest thing I ever had to do was cut off contact with my ex 4 months ago. I did it because the aftermath was too painful every time we spoke, I would get a little hopeful again. I’m still sad, in fact I cried today (it is (was?) our anniversary). I miss his friendship, but it is just not worth the pain and confusion for both of us to drag it out.
I try to maintain friendships with my exs. I work hard at that. They start as friends and should never be reduced to anything below that. Most of the time it isn’t a matter of increasing to a romantic relationship and then back down, we just grow beyond romantic inclinations and stay good, close friends. After all, who gives a better backscratch than someone who knows just where it feels good and where it starts to tickle?
It would be such a pain in the butt to not be friends with him. We are in the same group of buddies so I would have to drop out of my biggest social group.
Um, is it just me, or don’t these statements seem opposites? You make it sound as if you felt you were nearly in serious danger with the police remark.
If that’s the case, do you think it would be wise to spend any time alone with him, outside the group dynamic? Inside the group is a judgment call on your part.
(And if this what you were referring to the e-mail, you don’t need to apologize.)
I hope you can find it in yourself to be blunt with him, as every one else has said. It’s nice to be friends with your exes (I’ve got a few myself, and it’s great), but he obviously wants more than friendship. You obviously don’t want that.
If you hang in the same circle of friends, don’t be afraid to tell those friends about the situation if you feel you need to, either. I know you may not want to suck them in to it, but they might be able to offer some good support, and maybe even protection if he starts hitting on you like he did.
Not dangerous, he wouldn’t ever hurt me. Or force me into anything serious.
He also won’t get his hands off my ass, my cheek, my hair, my hips, my neck, etc.
With me, some of that is even okay. (I like being scratched behind my ears… hint…) The fact that it is constant and posessively cloying bothers me. I have an extremely small personal space barrier. (cuddle slut I am I am) That he walks over it is impressive in one sense. In another, how can I expect him to have a clue that I have personal space at all? Yet he is the single human being on the planet that doesn’t seem to recognize the distiction.
The police comment is directed in context, “if it were anyone else” being vital. I know he will never actually hurt me. He might get very, very close.
This statement bothers the hell out of me. I realize it’s none of my business, but it still bothers the hell out of me. I’m sorry, but friends don’t pull that sort of shit.
I think you need to be very blunt with him–tell him exactly what bothers you, and tell him he is not to do it again. And then, if necessary, you have to be prepared to enforce it by cutting him out of your life. Because if he refuses to stop, he is showing a complete lack of respect for you–and there cannot be friendship, or any other kind of personal relationship, without respect.
Of course gifts do not carry an obligation, but they do send signals. I would make it very clear to him that you do not feel comfortable accpting gifts from him and that in the future you will have to refuse to do so. Should he continue to bring you flowers and stuff, be firm and refuse to accept them. Suggest that his mother might like them or something. If you go out for coffee, pick up the check.
Second, if you want to remain frineds with this guy you are going to have to stop being a “snuggle slut” with him for now. I know it is hard, especially when you are feeling down–uncomplicated affection is the best pick me up in the world. But the fact is that this behavior is obviously sending mixed signals to him. If he is incapable of appriciating a fine line, you will have to draw a bigger, more visible one. I would recomend you cut off all physical contact, period. Every hug he is going to wonder “Did she linger a little longer that time?” and he is going to torture himself over it. If he is as nice a guy as you say In a year or so you can be affectionate with him again. In the meantimes, it sounds like you have other friends as well–snuggle with them.
Now, you may be thinking that you shouldn’t have to change your behavior because of his hang-ups, but the fact is that you know he is hurting and that part of being a friend is not hurting someone even if you think that what is hurting them is foolish. I highly recomend no gifts, no hugs, and limited time spent alone with him asthe best way to let him get over you.
OK, I suppose this is really saying “me too”. What has been said already makes a lot of sense. Avoid the cuddles, try not to give mixed signals, and you do NOT owe him anything in the sense I take the OP to mean. I hope the crappy things in general improve too.
This sounds like I am a real bitch, but the fact is hugging him because you like it is basically using him to make yourself feel better. As far as a declaration of public hatred, you can be perfectly honest–tell him and anyone else that is in a postion to notice that you are worried about sending mixed signals.
Darling, it already did turn nasty. In this situation, politeness is not called for. Issue a stern warning of grave bodily injury or lengthy incarceration if he doesn’t back off.
Just for the record, all you owe him is brisk slap across the face.
Hug, cuddles, and backrubs are fine. No need to stop your habits. Just be firm when a bozo tries to cross the line.
You owe him nothing. He owes you an explanation and an apology. Tell him that if he ever tries to pull that shit again you will be on the phone with the cops within five seconds. Make this very clear.
You have NO reason to be sorry for this or apologize. So don’t.
I think you can thank him for the flowers and say it means a lot to you when a FRIEND is there for you and knows how to make another FRIEND feel better. Then you say you realize how, when oneif emotionally vulnerable, it is easy for that line between friends and more-than to be crossed. You aren’t comfortable with what happened because being FRIENDS means a lot to you. If that relatonship got blurred, it would ruin it for both of you and you know he doesn’t want that either.
I realize it’s hard to give up physical closeness when it’s a pleasure and a habit and a warm show of acceptance. But I think when a relationship is in transition, you’ve got to back off of that. No, it’s not forever. Just for a while, such as just after a breakup, or when one or the other of you starts having ambiguous feelings.
I am friends with nearly all of my ex’s. And I have struggled, sometimes quite unsuccessfully, with this. I used to insist to myself that as two grown persons with a healthy relationship, physical closeness should NOT be off-limits, damnit. I took it almost as a statement on our characters and the quality of our friendship: “We can handle it, even if the normal broken-up couple can’t!” It didn’t always work out that way. I had to start observing boundaries–even some that made me mad or seemed unfair. Otherwise, you may not always be on the same page, and it’s more painful to have these misunderstandings. And you’ll get misunderstanding from people outside your relationship, too, sometimes with difficult or devastating results.
That’s my experience, anyway. I hope that didn’t sound preachy.