Why are we even debating on this? I’m sure you probably have met friends through hobbies. But, I have not. I have a lot of interests also. Community service, soccer, scrapbooking, and volleyball. I have talked to a lot of people while doing these activities (and about these activities), but never made any friends. I’ve formed friendships only after using self-disclosure, and sometimes pretty deep self-disclosure. Why? I don’t know? Maybe I give off vibes that I’m unaware of, since people say that I am not like anything they expected, once they get to know me. The OP himself said that traditional techniques has not worked for him. I don’t know any other way how I should put this.
I’m just saying, you can’t say that your difficulties making friends stem from A, B, or C, because of some inherent quality of A, B, or C. The is nothing inherent in a certain age bracket or region of the country or profession that makes friend-making extra difficult. I appreciate that you personally have difficulties, and it would be nice to think that all people who share certain attributes with you have the same difficulties, but it’s not true.
I think there is something important in your post, though. Self-disclosure. I agree with you entirely, that you can’t make a real friend without self-disclosure. Otherwise, you’re on the level of aquaintence only. Stepping off that ledge into the unknown, putting yourself “out there” for another person to judge, is scary. The smalltalk, interest-sharing, etc. is simply the most effective way (I have found) to separate* those who are worthy to know me on a significant level from those who are not.
*I almost used the word “winnow” but a few years ago I realized that using semi-obscure vocabulary can be intimidating and give people wrong ideas about me. Eschew obfuscation!
Really good advice in this thread. I was a late bloomer socially and can relate to the feelings Stranger expressed. I can’t add much except to reiterate some points made earlier.
Getting rid of your preconceptions about the situation is important; it allows you to see what’s really going on. That can’t happen if you build up the importance of the event too much. If the encounter is emotionally too important for you, you’re putting too much pressure on someone who is essentially a stranger to you. People don’t like it when you expect them to give more than they’re willing to give and they will reject you because of it. In this situation, you will come off as needy, weird, too intense, or just plain creepy.
Reading someone’s signals is important too. You need to be sensitive to indications that they want the conversation to continue or end. Early on, you won’t be able to deal with changing moods, so attempting a topic that doesn’t fit with the person’s emotional state at the time probably won’t work very well. You’ll come off as being inappropriate.
Be willing to flow with the conversation. I still have a tendency to try and drag things back to a topic I wasn’t finished with yet. That doesn’t mesh well with some people. If the conversation has moved on, let it go, maybe it’ll come up again, but if it doesn’t don’t worry about it.
Social stuff often comes down to a balancing act. Too detached and you’re cold, too involved and you’re creepy. Too light and you’re seen as brainless, too intellectual and you’re intimidating. It’s a negotiation, really. You have to try to find the balancing point with each person. Just remember that they’re trying to do the same thing with you.
You need to practice having conversations so that you can get over any inappropriate emotional responses and so that it doesn’t matter so much to you. Don’t worry if you get some rejections, everyone gets them, even the most social people. Work on finding points of shared interest. Learn to go with the flow of the conversation. Learn to listen, instead of using your non-speaking time to plan what you’re going to say next. Be receptive and interested. Seriously, being a good listener is a skill that you can work on. You’d be amazed how much more people will have a good reaction to you if you actually listen to what they say.
If you’ve got a friend who is socially adept and who is sensitive and kind enough to help you with this problem, you could ask him or her to help you with some of these skills. At least they should be able to point out what things to avoid and will probably be able to encourage some of the things you do right.