Memorable Family Guy Quotes

Cafe Society
61

Brian: Like that one time you spent 2 weeks narrating your own life.
(Flashback to Peter and Lois in the kitchen)
Peter: I walked into the kitchen and sat down at the table. I grimace at the questionable meal that Lois has cooked for me. Of course I would never tell her I hated her cooking, but somehow I think she knew.
Lois used to be full of energy and life. But as of lately I’ve begun to notice weariness of a long hard life on the beautiful eyes that I once fell in love with.

From the same episode:

Dennis Miller: I don’t mean to go on a rant but Americas foreign policy makes about much sense as Beowulf sleeping with Robert Fulton at the first battle of Antiemn. I mean, when you have a neo-conservative defensitrate fillabuster monosodiumhydronate…

Peter: What the hell’s a “Rant”?

62

The one where Chris is a paper boy and one of his customers is this sweet voiced old man. Condensed version

Sweet voiced old man: It’s so hot out here why don’t you come down to my celler for a nice grape popsicle?
Chris: No thanks. I’ve got a lot more papers to deliver.
Old Man: OK, well I’ve got your money right here in my pocket if you would just fish it out for me.
Chris: That’s ok, I’ll just collect next week when I get everyone elses.
As Chris rides away
Sweet Voiced Old Man: muffeled Get back here you fat ass.

63

You left out my favorite part!

Lois finally belts Peter in the face, knocking him to the floor and walks out. The scene then cuts to the same room at nighttime, and we hear…

Peter [from under the kitchen table]: I awoke several hours later…

64

Peter:Well, if that makes me a child, then you’re a pedophile, and I’ll be damned if I’ll stand here and be lectured by a pervert.

65

Don’t say doin’ your wife.
Don’t say doin’ your wife.
Don’t say doin’ your wife.

doin’ your… son?

66

Lois: “Get in the car!”
Peter: “Okay, but it’ll cost you! Whaddya want, a Cleveland Steamer?”

67

Peter: I got no idea how to be black … y’know, except for not smiling when I get my picture taken.

Death: Really? You- you think you can do that?
Peter: Oh yeah. First we gotta get you a little fixed up. You know, get you a hair cut, give you a clean AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! shave, maybe some cologne, the chick’ll be all over you.