Actually,now that I recall better, my fave quote was still from the Xmas episode, where Stewie wonders how Santa can see all children at all times.
"How does he do it? I know! Surveillance!“he looks at the ornament, moons it and says"Check this twice!”
Man watching guns being burnt: Hey, you remember the other day when you asked me what the definition of “irony” was? Well…aaaagggh! (Man mauled by octopus-Stewie)
…
Quagmire: Fat chicks need love too! But they’ve gotta pay!
…
Einstein as patent clerk: So, what is it you want to patent today, Herr Schmidt?
Schmidt: I call it Schmidt’s Theory of Relativity!
Einstein: (points) Hey, look at this!
Schmidt: What?
(Einstein slams head in grate and runs off with papers)
…
Peter: Women aren’t people, they’re devices built by the Lord Jesus Christ for our amusement.
Peter: Lee Majors said it!
Lee Majors: What? Women are things!
Peter: “Lois, I invited Mr. Weed over for dinner tonight.”
Lois: “Peter, you know what happened last time we had guests!”
Flashback showing The Griffons eating dinner with Margot Kidder. All of the sudden Margot just goes batshit and starts destroying everything
The great thing was how she showed up TWO MORE TIMES for no apparent reason and just started trashing stuff. Its the repeating gag on par with the ‘racoon coming out of nowhere’ when the Griffins had to relocate.
Doesn’t she also add, “Stop it, I’m holding ice tea.”
Brian: Are you sure it was something you read, are you sure it wasn’t NOTHING!"
Peter: Oh yeah.
Lois: What’s going on down here?
Stewie: Oh, we’re playing house.
Lois: That boy’s all tied up.
Stewie: Roman Polanski’s house
Conversation re: Chris trying to lose weight
Cleveland: “Peter, why don’t you suck the fat out?”
Peter: “If you can find a hole on that boy that you want to put your mouth on, be my guest!”
And this one isn’t a quote, but my favorite scene is when Peter is trying to breastfeed Stewie and Stewie wakes up and realizes he’s sucking on Peter’s nipple. He feels around in his mouth for a hair, looks up at Peter and shudders in horror. I think it’s the horrified shuddering that makes it to funny.
Quagmire stands naked in front of an open window, which drops shut. Quagmire reaches for the phone and dials.
Quagmire: 911? Yeah, it’s Quagmire. Yeah, it’s stuck in the window this time.
And one I try to use in conversation…
Lois and Peter are sitting at the kitchen table, talking.
Lois: We’ll just ignore it, like the giant squid.
(Pan to the other side of the table where a giant squid is lying on the floor. Said squid flails its tenticles around, smashing things.)
Peter: Uhhh… truck going by.
Lois: Earthquake.
Cracks me up every time.
:eek:
Stewie (to a drunken Brian): “Well, if isn’t Cirrhosis the Wonder Dog”.
Is the peanut butter a referenct to Road Trip?
Oh, and I like it when Stewie’s taunting someone while eating steak.
"Oh, this steak is so good! It’s orgaaaasmic
Peanut butter is a reference to some people’s practice of smearing peanut butter on their genitals and having their dog lick it off.
Ah, yes. That was explored on Road Trip. I’d never heard it outside of there, though.
(On the outhouse he’s using tipping over) Peter: “Oh, Oh god, it’s everywhere! It’s in my raccoon wounds!”
(On hitting his shin on something) Peter: "(sucking air through teeth) aahhhh… (sucking air through teeth) aahhhh… (sucking air through teeth) aahhhh… (sucking air through teeth) aahhhh… " (doesn’t work well when typed)
(On finding a tied up underage teenager in a bathroom stall) Quagmire: “Jackpot!”
There was supposed the be a “cheerleader” in there somewhere. Anyway, here’s another quote:
Stewie: “hey there big guy. you holding up alright? you want a soda? hmm? … screw it, i tried.”
Lois is trying to feed Stewie (I think this was in the very first episode) with the old “plane flies into the hanger” method.
Stewie: “Damn you, damn the broccoli, and damn the Wright brothers!”
Actually, what makes it great is:
Quagmire: Dear diary: JACKPOT!
From last night’s ep:
Bill Gates: What’s a quarter?
Peter: You know what? I always thought that dogs…laid eggs. I learned something today.
Actually they’re not given wishes, you’re thinking of S03E21 - Family Guy Viewer Mail, Peter is to be granted 3 wishes, but nonetheless the kids try to get in on his good fortune:
Chris: I want a new hat!
Meg: I want a new hat!
Stewie: I want them to have new hats!
Lois: Now kids, these are your father’s wishes …
It is a very good quotation though, I love it for the randomness 
Anyway I should really provide my own …
Cult leader in the Griffen’s house, who Stewie believes to be a man sent to put him back into that cursed ovarian bastille from whence he managed to escape.
Cult leader: What do you want?
Stewie: Freedom! What do you want?
Cult leader: I want to get the hell out of here!
Stewie: Oh I’m sorry, we’re fresh out of that, all we have is untimely death!
Cult leader: What is this?
Stewie: It’s a boy! <fires typically stewie-esque laser gun>
This one might be a little off, but here it is.
Peter: I think I read it in a book…
Brian: Are you sure it wasn’t nothing?
Peter: Yeah, it was nothing.
[after Peter says something particularly inane]
Brian: Do you even listen to what you’re saying?
Peter: eh, I drift in and out.