I’m of that age. I appreciate a woman who is comfortable with her sexuality. I’m dating one (7 months now).
Sex is the most natural thing in life, why treat it like it’s not.
… in a box…
snerk!
This is actually a bag of separate questions. I’ll give my answers (being a man)
- Women who like sex? Dear Og yes, please like sex a lot, with me, once we have established a sexual relationship.
- Women who initiate sex? Again, once we’re in an established relationship, this is a good thing, with appropriate frequency and style. People are all different, but I don’t think anybody likes to be jumped like a sex puppet on each and every encounter. Take turns.
- Sex on the first date. As another poster mentioned, I’d take this as a sign of impulse control problems, mental illness or even alcoholism. First date is for chitchat, second date is for makeout, and third date or later is for the action.
- Woman breaking the sexual ice on the third date… when it’s time to take it to the next level, I’m not looking for a woman to initiate that part of it. What I’m looking for is very obvious signals of receptivity that I can act on. Not so much the ‘thrill of the chase’ as ‘shooting fish in a barrel’. I want to feel pretty confident I can make a move without getting shot down. And no, I don’t want to think I put the idea in her head, just maybe that I surprised her with the timing. This illusion is by no means necessary, but it makes things more fun and comfortable for me (yes, I get nervous, doesn’t everyone?)
Born in 1966 here.
Considering the ridiculous length of time that has passed since the last time I got laid, I would cheerfully welcome a woman who initiated sex because frankly, I’m an utter idiot at picking up subtle hints. Part of the problem is that I was raised to be a “gentleman”, which means that I have a mental block that makes it difficult for me to try for sex on a first date (or the second, or third, or …) no matter how much I might want it. I’m sure those two things have combined to cause me to miss out on several good opportunities, when I look back.
When I was in my 20s, I spent an evening in a bar chatting and dancing with an absolutely smoking hot girl who was a year younger than me (I guess I was 22 or 23 at the time). When the bar closed she invited me over to her place. We were both regular customers at the bar and we knew each other, so this wasn’t a random pickup. In hindsight I recognize the signs I missed at the time, and realize she expected me to jump her bones, but I was dense enough at the time that I honestly thought she’d just invited me over for a couple beers and I didn’t make a move. And, well, I never got a second chance 
So I say, Ladies, if you want to get laid, I fervently encourage you to be a little more obvious about it. Especially if I’ve got a few drinks in me — I’m not likely to correctly interpret your just sitting there with an expectant look on your face. (On the other hand, as a more recent incident showed, if you’re married and I know you’re married, you can be so obvious that even I couldn’t miss it, and I’m going to feign obliviousness and you’re welcome to think I’m completely dense :D.)
Not a problem. Screw the whole “thrill of the chase.” It’s enough fun discovering that you have a mutual attraction to someone, and enjoy each other’s company. The whole chase thing always seemed to me to be putting up artificial borders, along the lines of playing games. Relationships are too hard for games. Not to say that romance should be left out, and if that’s what the “chase” is then all well and good. But cloaking your desires because of how it might seem to the other person (y’know, except for the whole waiting until at least the second sexual encounter before informing your date that you’d really like to bring in the chocolate sauce and the dildo named Wowzers! ™) always seemed like more trouble than it was worth.
As to the “who has she jumped in the sack with before me” question, assuming that you’re interested in someone that you respect, you can probably assume that she respects herself enough to take precautions, and hopefully respects you enough to give you any warnings you need. I think the whole sex ed “when you have sex with someone you’re having sex with every other person your partner has had sex with, as well as all of their partners” thing is crap that has done its part to wage its fear mongering on us.
ETA: and I’m a decade or two past the 60s, if you’re curious.
I was born in 1940, if you’ll allow an old timer to horn it. I’ve never been freaked out, put off, or disappointed by women who liked sex or by women who take the initiative. I’ve never liked the idea of “persuading” someone to do something they don’t want to do—it’s sort of like taking advantage of a drunk or running a con job. I always wanted a willing partner; the more willing, the better. And yes, I would and have had sex on the first date; sometimes that was the only time; at other times, things did work out to a more or less LTR IF we liked each other and enjoyed each other’s company. Why shouldn’t it?
Mental illness? alcoholism? Seriously? I mean, I see clearly your standards for things are different–for people in their early twenties/in college, things work differently. Most people I know make out, or more, on the first date…or sometimes “hook up”/get physical before the “dating” has begun. If I’m having a first date with someone, and I don’t even want to make out with them, something’s wrong. But again, I don’t think this is a question of me having any of those issues–just a different timetable.
The question was posed in the context of midaged people seeking LTR’s, which is how most everyone is answering. The question really doesn’t even make sense in the context of a hookup-happy college environment. Yes, flings are fun and innocuous in college and mid-20’s. But that gets old with time and experience, and most people grow out of it. The people who are habitually doing that in their 30’s, yes Virginia, most of them do have issues. Alcohol abuse, substance problems, daddy issues, commitment problems, escapism, just being fucked up in general. Voice of experience talking here; I’ve fallen for as many as I have avoided. Fun to drink with (maybe once or twice), but long-term material? Huge, huge red flag.
Acid Lamp, I suspect that the part of your post I quoted was an abbreviation for a more detailed real life conversation. Perhaps “What are you up for, I’m up for anything,” tells a woman “I’m interested and willing to be sexual with you now,” and that’s all that needs to be communicated. What I meant was that
a) None of us are actually up for anything. I’d rather she didn’t put anything up my bum, for example.
but more importantly
b) Telling her what you want instead of saying “oh I don’t care, whatever, I’m easy” is both a courtesy and a compliment. Now you’ve been bold enough to declare your desires, she doesn’t have to go first.
I was thinking that this would be even more of an issue for 20 somethings.
Do hookups even lead to relationships of any duration?
When I was 25 I was all about getting sex on the first date but it sure as hell wasn’ t going to lead to anything long term. Unless LTR means 3 weeks.
When your 25 and looking for a partner to share your life with and have children, make a home, and begin your career, I’m just not believing the girl that half your fraternity banged is the one you want to bet on. The woman that sees absolutely no reason she should have to show any restraint and is indignant if anyone suggests so.
She may be perfectly sane and mentally healthy (she may be more sane and healthy than us neanderthals), but I’m not betting the future of some children, a home, my mental well being, a career, and $1,000,000 that she will show restraint throughout the rest of her life. I’m not betting that when I’m boring, the kids are a pain in the ass, and there’s money pressures that she’s going to do the right thing when some hot guy at the bar asks her “I’m curious as to what you are looking for sexually”, because this is the woman that feels she has the right to get on the stick and anyone who says otherwise is repressed.
I mean after all he’s attractive, right? Wasn’t that the initial criteria? Mutual attraction.
If you’re in your 40’s I could see that loosening up quite a bit. Everything’s kind of set and not as much is at risk. We’re mentally and emotionally tougher and have been through some stuff. Wisdom and all that. And you’re not getting my house no matter how much you put out. You aren’t going to effect my kids much and I’m not going to effect yours terribly.
I would also add my opinion that at any given time 90% of the women can go and get laid on command, while about 10% of men can pull that off. Men intuitively know that, whether they’ll admit it or not, and the red flag is that this chick is giving away something that the others won’t. Either the value she places on that is less than other women do, or I’m the biggest stud in the world. And these other women are telling me I’m not the biggest stud. And that porn company never got back to me.
It can wait a few days and then you can shake the goddamn earth together for the next 50 years.
By the way I have no problem with scratching an itch. Hook up in bars, rape some guy in a library (he’ll think fondly of it the rest of his life), a backup friend with benefits, whatever. Its all good! Its just not the same as finding a partner.
I agree with most of what you’re saying in theory, but you’re also illustrating the Big Gender Double Standard.
You were all about getting sex, but none of those girls who would be willing to have random sex with you would be relationship candidates? Well what about you? What self respecting woman looking to settle down with a family and kids should have to consider a guy like you who sleeps around?
If you don’t respect women who sleep around (which I guess is within your rights), why should it be acceptable for you to sleep around?
I’m not saying I dislike women who “sleep around”. We’re not necessarily even talking about women who do this. We are talking about how a man might react to that situation in one instance. Will he take the potentiality of a relationship seriously? Many men will have a problem with that. I’m not even saying it’s right. The OP wanted the truth and I think it would be disservice to her to try and paint a picture of men as all enlightened and cool and down with the new paradigm. Oh we’re down with it but you won’t be sitting at the table at Thanksgiving.
A self respecting woman looking to settle down with a family and kids should not have to consider a guy who sleeps around. I think it should be a an even bigger red flag for her. For exactly the same reasons.
And for that reason I would never admit to her how many women I slept with. Not even to my best friend since kindergarten who can make a pretty reasonable guess + or - 50. I’m a hypocritical bastard, what can I tell you. That’s how you can be sure I’m a man.
During that time there were copious amounts of drugs and alcohol involved, every time. I was not a suitable partner. I had no impulse control. I had no stability. I had no self respect. It did not turn out alright. Not for anyone involved.
Since that party ended 15 years ago the number has been a few, okay several, but were I looking for a partner today, immediate sex isn’t at the top of the list of desirable attributes. It wouldn’t be in the top 50.
The who is much more important than the what. Especially for the long term.
Post script.
I may be a little rigid.
I thought that Wile E should break up with her boyfriend because he left the refrigerator door open.
Perhaps I’m the outlier.
That’s what she said!
d&r
22 year old guy checking in here.
Nope. Although to be fair, I’ve been a shy guy for most of my life and only started openly talking to women about sex in general once I hit college. The fact that I’m still generally shy means I sometimes need a girl to hit me over the head with the fact that she may be interested in me before I make any sort of move myself.
Not a problem with this either. My (complicated story prefix)-girlfriend initiated in the beginning of the relationship a lot, but she backed off as the relationship developed which confused me a bit.
Not really. But honestly, I’m sort of clueless dealing with women’s advances so I probably wouldn’t be aware there was a chase to be had in the first place. 
Again, not really. In any sort of sexual activity I want to make sure my partner experiences as much enjoyment as me. So if I had to put a lot of work into convincing them to do me, I think I would feel pressure when the actual event happened. This is, of course, talking about the first time and not in a serious relationship.
I’m not a fan of casual sex or one-night stands at all, so if I went so far as to sleep with a woman on the first date I would already be very attracted to her and would most likely already want a second date.
Born 1967; last “dated” in 1997; in monogamous LTR/marriage ever since.
Maybe it’s just because I’m a little timid myself, but I’ve always appreciated when a woman has made her wishes clear, no matter what date we’re on.
Looking down the big 40. (Tomorrow, actually)
As long as we’ve established mutual attraction, I would have no problem with a woman suggesting or initiating sex. I prefer to avoid guessing games, thank you very much.
Thrill of the chase never worked out for me.
Someone who can approach sex without mind games is someone whom I’d consider might be able to approach the rest of a relationship without games, so for a LTR it would seem to me to be a plus.
This.
And I hate condoms. They kill about 80% of the sensation (and consequently, enjoyment) for me. I’d much rather do it as nature intended but on a first date that’s pretty unsafe behavior.
As a sidenote, I’m always amazed when celebs (e.g. Jesse James) marry former porn stars (e.g. Janine Lindemulder).
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Wouldn’t she be pretty stretched out?
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Wouldn’t she compare me to all the other guys she’s had? I don’t really need the image in my head of a bunch of other guys nailing her, or her faking how good it was etc.
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Or maybe her feelings don’t run all that deep to begin with.
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Unprotected sex = sleeping with that person’s entire sexual history, which of course includes the history of all the people they slept with (and so on and so on) at their last contact.
Bill Maher once observed that in ancient cultures, they’d sacrifice a virgin to the powers that be. He said they were no dummies—they didn’t kill off the women who were putting out. On that…I got nothing.
Going back to an earlier time, the word “know” had a double meaning. You can know a person quite well without knowing (having sex with) them and vice-versa. But when you’ve got both, e.g. when you know what makes the other horny as hell, that’s where it’s at.
If we’re in that relationship and at the end of the day she greets me at the door wearing nothing but a smile, it’s all good.
To each his own, of course, YMMV.
ETA: Happy Birthday, Otaku!
Yes, HAPPY BIRTHDAY OTAKU LOKI
First of all, I want to really thank everyone for expressing their honest opinions to me, no matter what your opinion is. The only way I was ever gonna find this out is to ask. I think it’s really interesting that the proportion of people who are uncomfortable with sex on the first date is rather disproportionately represented in my recent experience IRL. Not sure what that means.
Pollux Oil, you said this better than I could have said it myself. That is exactly how I feel.
Maybe I should mention that when I talk about a “first date”, I don’t mean someone I just met at work or something whom I’ve never seen before, or somebody’s frat brothers. 
Most of the people I go out with would be people who I have seen around for awhile and know from one of the various small circles I move in.
Mongo Ponton, this is interesting, as I’ve heard many men say what you said in that first sentence. I think actually what’s going on is that 90% of anyone can go and get laid on command, as long as they don’t care who it is. Think about it, any given guy probably has a short list of girls he knows that he probably could score with at any given time; but he doesn’t do it because they’re too fat/old/crazy/selfish/drama queen/skanky/married, etc.
It seems to me that what some people are leaving out of the equation is the notion of a woman’s selectivity. Hence the assumption that, in essence, “if she slept with me right away, she’d sleep with anybody right away”. Not necessarily. I mean, maybe you really are that big a stud! (or, maybe your awesome brain with its linear thinking yet wildly tangential conjecture really turns her on! Or your innate grasp of the machine, its repair/ modification, and propensity for doing it right, the first time. If you’ll pardon the expression.)
Also, I would like to say Congratulations! to Colophon and Belrix. Your good fortune is encouraging. (If not actually contagious, alas! 
)
Oh yes, and Zsofia (I love your name!) – he probably told you that on the phone, so he wouldn’t get HIT with the phone! I hope many of the responses to this thread have shown you that a lot of men don’t feel that way at all. (If you had any doubt.)
One more thing: Quartz, tell you what. If you fly out here, I’ll make you some homemade lasagne. Certainly worth a transatlantic flight, eh?
If tangential conjecture were an aphrodisiac I’d … ah, forget it!
Male, 46. I have no problem with a woman looking for sex. Especially if it’s with me.
I think some of the responses here have touched on a much bigger issue: honesty. I’d say if there’s one thing that every man can agree that they don’t like in a relationship it’s games being played. We hate it when a woman is thinking one thing but acting like something different.
If you want to have sex, fine. If you don’t want to have sex, okay. But don’t pretend one thing when you’re really feeling the other just because you’re hoping for a better reaction from us.
Playing games like that will never work out. Even if you happen to guess right and you pretend to be the kind of woman we like, where’s the future in it? You’re just pretending to be that woman. Are you going to spend the rest of your life living a lie? Or are you going to drop the pretense and leave us wondering why you apparently changed into a different person than the one we thought we knew? Or are you going to try to change us into somebody different? Anyway you look at it, a relationship between two people who don’t really fit together isn’t going to work out. They’d have both been better off to have got out early and found other people who really did match them.