Mental Health Check-In: How Are You Doing?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
41

Yeah. Sometimes PTSD is just exhausting. Why do I still have to deal with the same shit? I’ve been a model client for every therapist. Granted I am doing a lot better than I was twenty, even ten years ago. But I still struggle in a lot of areas.

Sorry to hear of your troubles @Czarcasm. I hope this can be the start of some good healing for you.

As for myself, I am feeling better all around, even getting some light exercise in despite the fact I have two injuries now, and I’m feeling well enough to work on my Executive Function issues. I’m using a book called Smart But Scattered. Apparently I already bought the book and read half of it years ago, but I don’t remember. Big surprise the questionnaire says one of my greatest weaknesses is Working Memory.

42

@Czarcasm , I’m so sorry that happened to you.

Fear Itself. I hope both you and I can get beyond just coping. Some days, just coping is enough but not every day.

43

I am still allowing negative emotions to rule the day. I have lost loved ones, and it hurt me very much. Two of them were much too young and vital. One of these I discovered when I arrived at her house, and found her on her couch, no longer alive. Not suicide, but some kind of undiagnosed heart issue.

Also, 3 very good friends died of cancer in the past year. All lovely people. I have a feeling at least 2 of them went without healthcare for many years, and by the time they were on Medicare, their cancer was too advanced. I live in the US, of course.

I come from a family of ne’er do wells, and it has always been a struggle to rise above all that and live as a contributing member of society (which I am). I have affluence and comfort and an education, but at 65, I wonder how I escaped and the others didn’t. (Oh I know how, I pursued higher education, avoided alcohol, drugs, and bad choices, but still…one of my cousins did the same, and she is right where the others are).

No answer for that, but I always have doubts nagging at me that I don’t belong, and that others can see it. Good friends tell me that nothing of this shows, but just the same, this uneasiness dogs my steps. Of course, most of us are probably faking it, but I feel that I fake it more than most.

I fall into despair much too much, though. I take meds, and see a psych, but talk therapy has been useless lately. I feel that the last couple of therapists and I were not on the same page. Perhaps it is the age difference (they were very young). Perhaps it is more likely that I am not finding any fresh answers or strategies, and this is as good as it will ever be.

44

Thanks for starting this thread.

I’m doing better than I have in a while. I finally tried a full dose of an SSRI and it’s working very well. The ADD still often prevents me from getting my work done in an efficient fashion, but I no longer spiral into catastrophizing and self-loathing when that happens, so that’s cool. Also, for pretty much the first time in my life, I now find that after being awake for 16 hours or so, I start feeling tired and actually wanting to stop whatever I’m doing and go to bed. Not coincidentally, I’m getting a lot more sleep. Those are the two main benefits I’m seeing, but my wife feels I’m noticeably happier in general. One major downside: near-total loss of interest in sex.

Speaking of ADD: If any of you ever notice that it’s during the workday in the US and I am carrying on discussions in twelve threads at the same time, please PM me and tell me to get back to work! :slightly_smiling_face:

45

Hang in there, everyone. That’s about the beginning and the end of what I’m qualified to say, unfortunately.

46

I was actually in a really good mood for most of the day. I was excited for a friend that was graduating from his management program. I was prioritizing what I could do instead of what I should do. I was drinking water. I just had a great outlook.

And then I got a text from my dad saying that he’s cancelling his dialysis, PT, OT and every other health care that he gets because he’s tired of having no say in his care, and that he expects that I’ll be able to do whatever with his house soon because he’ll be gone. He also told me that he loved me, he’d talk to me tomorrow and that he was shutting off his phone. He lives an hour plus away, and I knew that I wouldn’t be able to make that drive to check on him, so I messaged my nephew and a family friend to see if they could stop by to check on him. Neither one of them can because they also have things going on. So I’m hoping Dad calls me early enough tomorrow that I won’t be worrying all day.

Then, when I was starting to get feeling a bit better, I noticed an email from the person I assist for storytime, basically asking me not to come in early anymore. Apparently, I’m too much of a distraction so she’s not able to get together all the other things that she needs to do. She didn’t say it in those words, but that was what I could read behind the words. And what can I say except, “Sure, I’ll come in later.”

I’m feeling so particularly useless and unwanted at the moment. I feel like nothing will ever change. I try hard to be a good person. I try to volunteer. I try to be a good daughter. But I don’t feel like I’m a good anything anymore. And I just want to feel better.

47

It’s been a bumpy ride as I was physically ill for the last two weeks, and I think stress was a factor. In the middle of two urgent care visits my son was diagnosed with autism. I mean we all saw that coming but it’s official, it’s not mild, and we weren’t crazy.

This week I’m working on getting better but I’ve just been mentally shaky for lack of a better word. I am prioritizing rest when I can (no small feat when you have a preK to run all over town.)

I had a kind of epiphany today. It involved the realization that my feelings are real and important and okay to have. I guess it was a self-compassion thing. The problem is one of those relatively minor things that happens all the time and the cumulative effect of it happening just reaches a breaking point. Every time it happens I tell myself I’m overreacting and try to push the feelings away. So I gave myself permission to be upset about the thing and…I stopped feeling so upset. Then I asked myself what I wanted that I wasn’t getting, and I arranged for myself to get it. In this case, what I wanted was to cook chicken and mashed potatoes. So I made them. I know that sounds lame but what I really wanted out of the situation turned out to be simpler than I thought.

48

That’s a big thing to realize. It happened to me when a significant other immediately became less significant for asking me if I was on my period when I got angry with him. WTF? I asked back, “Did it ever occur to you that I am angry because you are behaving like an asshole?” Boom. Not only did he become an ex to me but I was able to recognize my feelings about things as valid. From then on, I have stopped to examine my feelings and not just assumed that only someone else’s feelings were the important ones. Self-care is important. Not always easy, but still important.

49

:laughing: Oh yeah.

50

I’ve been reading this book that says one of the keys to a non-anxious life is to face reality. I thought, “Well I have no problem with that.”

Then I was talking to my Aunt who recently started diabetes medication and she told me that she can’t just numb her pain with food anymore. It no longer has that effect.

Horrified, I said, “But what do you do to regulate your emotions?”

She said, “I just have to feel them. It sucks.”

Just feel my feelings? I’ve always thought I’ve been doing that, but that blunt conversation made me realize I am constantly looking for ways to tamp things down rather than feel them.

So, I tried it today. It was a hard day, so my feelings were pretty strong. Instead of the usual go-tos, food and phone, I decided one time to just let myself feel like crap.

I did it. I allowed myself to feel like shit.

I didn’t die.
I drank some water, that helped.
I did some stretches, that helped more.
I played with my son, that helped most.
I even considered saying hi to my neighbors.

This could be the start of something really good.

(I didn’t know where else to put this.)

51

I hear you! one of my favorite yoga classes, the teacher kept saying “when I sit with unpleasant emotions, I thrive”. it was the mantra for the class. I struggle mightily with that.

52

Wow, that’s a scary mantra to me. Even though I understand and somewhat agree with it.

While I’ve been trying to face my feels on my own, some of them are very confusing to me. I walked out on two of my brothers yesterday when they asked how I was doing, simply because I knew I’d start blubbering and I had things to do that were more important to me than blubbering in front of my brothers who showed themselves to be unable/unwilling to help me in my time of need. I had a schedule to keep and I kept it. But I also have a bigger schedule.

First I need to survive. After survival, I need to heal. I guess I’m still I’m still in survival mode. I’ve made progress but I’ll make more once I know that I’m on the permanent staff at the new job.

This is my tough time of year, as the days shorten and the holidays approach. I survived my bad boss and got a new job. There will be things to tough out there but not like the bad boss and not like being homeless. Though I might become homeless again if I bring home bedbugs from the new job (yep, they have bedbugs). However, I am feeling good about a lot of things. I have a lot of loose strings to tie up and that should keep me out of trouble mentally for a while. Fingers crossed anyway.

53

There’s no shame in that. I hope you’re out of that survival place and in a more healing place soon.

This is a hard time of year for me as well, because of ancient traumas from Autumns past that seem magnified every time October/November roll around. The only way to combat them is to work on tying new memories to the same time period, which I am doing. We’ve been pumpkin picking, we’re decorating with my son for Halloween, we went for a walk in the park on Sunday, just making it ours any way we can. I’ve already successfully done this with Thanksgiving, when me, my husband and son spend the entire week out of state to be with my Aunt and Grandma, who are safe family. We made a new tradition. So I know it can work.

I didn’t have a kid for the purposes of healing, but he’s helped me more than he will ever know.

54

That is fabulous! Hugs to you.