I went to a friend’s place for a cookout on Friday where I found out that all the progress I thought I’d made into being more open, more conversational, more human, was not nearly as much progress as I’d thought. Maybe it was that they already had an impression of me from high school, or maybe I slipped back into a previous mode. Whatever it was, I thought I had been doing well, but apparently, I wasn’t.
Then yesterday I went out to a club. I didn’t go with the goal of taking home a girl or even talking to anyone, but I wasn’t averse to the idea. Of course, I didn’t do anything more than stand around and drink. That’s okay, that’s pretty much why I was there. And there were pretty girls in sexy clothes to look at. But not talk to. I have no idea how to start a conversation.
I most assuredly have the opportunities to waste my youth as I’d like to, but it seems, not the ability. Perhaps it’s too much TV making me watch my life rather than live it. All my favorite forms of entertainment are scripted. Tv, movies, books, video games (not music, I wonder how that fits in. Of course, I just listen, don’t have a lick of talent). Where they’re going is set from the beginning, and it’s just a matter of getting through the middle to get there. I wonder when I’ll really realise that my life isn’t like that. That the girl of my dreams is not going to come up to me and say hi. That sometimes, I’ve got to do something that I don’t know where it’s going.
I’ve been alone way too freaking long. In a party, at a club, or at home on my ass watching tv. There’s not a whole lot of difference. There’s a fundamental disconnect. I don’t know how to interact with people, and they don’t know how to interact with me.
I’ve started the process of signing up for some martial arts training, primarily because I hope to boost my confidence. Though the physical conditioning and ass-kicking ability is a nice side benefit.
This isn’t an advice thread, and it’s not a pity thread either. More like thinking aloud, though of course I haven’t actually said anything in several hours (and when I did, it was just “Yes, plastic is fine.” at the grocery store. I think that’s all I’ve said out loud today).
I wonder where I’m going.