The famous “Ask Carnivorousplant” newspaper column is now available to the SDMB.
Our first contestant:
Dear Plant,
My cat is reluctant to be bathed. Whatever shall I do?
Signed,
Dirt Cat Owner
Dear Dirty Cat,
My dog suggests the following:
Place the cat and a great deal of shampoo in the toilet. The cat will be hesitant to enter the toilet, but Trust Me, it will enjoy the swirling water and the shampoo.
Close the lid, you may want to sit on it, and flush several times. Your cat will have great fun swimming in the soapy water.
Have an accomp…someone open the front door and carefully lift the toilet lid. The cat will gleefully leap from the toilet and rush outside, to enjoy it’s new cleanliness.
Okay, next question?
Why is it called the MMP if it keeps getting started as the SEP/SNP where the* originating poster* is?
This was a really @#$%& weekend; at least until the boss of WGPTJ called this afternoon & asked if I wanted to get help him get high. I said, absofrigin’lutely.
We were a flight of four, there was another group of six to our west. I looked to the north & saw Manhattan & to the south was Philly. Bee-you-tee-ful for first flight of the year!
Andy fried up 32 slices of bacon.
Barney takes 3 slices to put on his cheeseburger.
Chuck takes 8 slices, and gives 4 of them to Mary.
Mary makes a BLT with hers, Mike eats 2 slices and gives half a slice to the dog.
If bacon comes 20 slices to the pound and a pound of bacon costs $4.17
How much bacon does Andy have left?
I have a carniverous plant that has always been fond of cats, but had been unusually finicky lately. I think he (she?) isn’t feeling well, but maybe just getting old or something.
I have tried seasoning some cats with bacon bits, to no avail. Lately, my precious plant has been increasingly cranky, even snapping at me a few times :eek: ! I know fully well that I’m inedible, but my plant wouldn’t know that until after taking a bite. I’m afraid to sleep at night now. My plant is fully capable of taking herself out to lunch, and we both know it.
What should I try to feed him (her?) next? I can’t afford caviar.
Well, some of us have the decency to post in the correct day, anyway.
Jus’ kiddin’, Spiderman. I concur that the Mumper start-up should be forced - forced, I say - to stay up late enough to begin a proper Monday Morning Post. Otherwise, everyone participating will subsequently be known as Sumpers.
And that just don’t sound right…
Oh, my question:
Dear Plant -
I just found out that our Garden Gnomes have been surreptitiously filming a documentary about me, including some rather…disturbing boudoir footage.
Does this look infected to you? I thought it was just a scratch, but then it puffed up and started oozing. Should I worry about it becoming sentient??
Sincerely, [del]your enemy forever,[/del]
FCM
Apparently I gave my spousal unit a scare last night. He claims I quit breathing and he couldn’t wake me up. So I need to call the Dr, I guess. I suppose that could explain why I’m not sleeping well…
Cold morning here - 37° in my little corner of the county. Definitely no gardening this morning, but I might have a go at it this afternoon if it warms as promised. I need to run to the little store and pick up my March check - I can’t imagine that it’ll be very big, but I’ve got to go to the credit union anyway and it’s on my way, so it works. I can’t leave till after 10, so I guess I’ll have to kill time on line, damn the luck.
I do have a load going in the dishwasher, and before she left, Daughter helped me bring in the boxes of patio furniture, so I can assemble them. Plenty to keep me out of trouble, theoretically.
If a chicken and a half can lay an egg and a haf in a day and a half, how long would it take a grasshopper with a wooden leg to kick all the seeds out of a dill pickle?
My weekend was good. We finally found doors, tops AND bottoms, that fit not only each other but the Beast as well. Unfortunately they need some tweaking to stay closed but this happens every time we try new doors.
As of 3am today I am suffering from massive insomnia.
I am mentally incapable of throwing up.
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I think I have food poisoning. This day is not looking to go well for me. I have to be to work at noon. If I can’t manage to barf by then, I’m going to be seriously miserable at work.
After a week and a half of being useless, my adviser cleared me to self-register for fall classes. Less than 5 minutes after she sent me the email this morning, I was registered for every class I need (they opened up a new A&P class which works with my schedule).
Oh my god I want to throw up so badly. I wonder if camping out next to the toilet will coax my brain into giving in to the urge.
My sister is a habitual self-diagnoser. This drives me nuts because it means she doesn’t go to the doctor when she should. This morning she sent me link to a wikipedia article and said, “I have this”.
For once, I think she’s right. She linked to schizoid personality disorder, particularly secret schizoid. It sounds like the entire article was written about her. Of course, being my sister, she’s NOT going to see anyone about this. She seems content to live the rest of her life like this. Makes me sad.
Yesterday I had to take my little girl to the emergency vet. I honestly wasn’t sure if she was going to make it back home again. Today, I’m happy to say that she’s sitting on the couch right next to me. She’s definitely not 100%, but she’s feeling much better.
I’ll be working on writing papers most of the day and running later on when it’s a bit warmer outside.
FCM, that’s pretty scary. Sounds like you need to call the doctor today. I wonder if it’s some form of sleep apnea…
Shortdrum, I transfer my talent of puking upon command to you.
