Eek. At 17, my mother tried to get me engaged to an Indian boy five years my senior.
At 18, she found out about my then-boyfriend and tried like hell to make us get married until she found out he was Protestant (back then I was practicing Hindu).
At 19, she tried to get me engaged to a 28 year-old man who had already graduated college and was in the work force and who lived in Texas. (I was and still am a proud New Yorker).
And now that I’m with my current bf and show no signs of getting married, she refuses to talk to me until I “be a good Indian girl and come home” - and do whatever they say.
My mother never hassles me about not dating or being involved with a man, but her good friend asks Mom all the time what my “status” is. “Is Judith dating? Has she started seeing anyone yet?” The friend, BTW, has a daughter my age who’s been involved in a series of disastrous relationships with a long line of men who have cheated on her, verbally abused her, and generally treated her like dogshit. She’s desperate to get married and therefore latches onto any guy she meets. Thankfully, my mother’s the type of person who thinks it’s more important to learn how to be self-sufficient and independent both in and out of relationships than to immediately tie oneself down to someone out of desperation and fear.
Our parents never hassled us about getting married, Just when we told them we finally got engaged the said “about darn time” (We had been together for 5 years). Our friends on the other hand were more the nagging ones “when are ya gonna get married?” blah blah blah as soon as we made it past the one year mark of dating…
Now after being married just a little over two months we are getting “when are ya gonna have kids?”-- FROM OUR FRIENDS, not our parents. His mother wants a grandbaby, but she is getting that from Mrgeeks’ brother & wife in a year or so.
Hell I am 27 he is 28, we both have college degrees and good jobs… but we are definately not ready to have kids and might not ever be. I guess some people just do not understand.
Obsidian, your mom and my dad must be long-lost siblings or something. He has never understood why I’ve remained single, and it’s been a constant worry for him.
It’s not so much that he disapproves. Rather, he just doesn’t understand. In his experience, people get married unless there’s something dreadfully wrong with them. For years, he tried to figure out what could be dreadfully wrong with me that he wasn’t seeing. I got reports from my brothers about their conversations with dad about “why can’t MaddyStrut find a man.” Then, when it became clear that I could find men–I just wasn’t marrying them–it became “what is MaddyStrut so afraid of.”
It was hell when I was 25. Got better when I turned 30 and was merely a mild annoyance. When I hit 35, he’d almost given up. I guess he decided he’d never figure it out and has moved onto other sources of endless worry!
It helped when I bought my own house and made it clear that I was amply preparing for retirement. I guess he had visions of me being 95, senile, eating cat food, talking to myself, and living in a box with no one to change my diapers.
Mom, on the other hand, has been great. She’s never pressured me to be married and I think she’s a bit proud that I’ve always been self-reliant. There was a time when I think she was worring about grandkids. But my brother took care of that. Now she’s just happy that she has granddogs from me!
Telling them you’re gay won’t get them off your back regarding the, “When are you going to find a nice girl and settle down?” question,* but it sure takes the heat off the grandkids issue.
Also, happy 26th birthday lezlers! All the very best.
It just becomes, “When are you going to find a nice man to look after you?”.
Every once in awhile they’ll make jokes about grand-kids, but I always point to my brother and sister and that’s the end of it. My sister has already made very clear she wants a couple of sproggins, so it took the heat off me. My sister finding a guy that she stays with longer than a month or two might be another issue, though… and she’s Baptist and ‘saving herself’. So my parents might be waiting awhile.
Of course, I think my parents have pretty much given up on me already. They didn’t even bat an eye when I brought home my current beau on Thanksgiving, almost two years younger than me and with long hair halfway down his back. A few years ago if I had a friend that looked like that, they would’ve had a fit.
Seriously, my parents want me to find Ms. Right and have kids, but more because they know that that’s what I want than for their own sake. So they talk to me about it, but it’s more to get info and commiserate about failures than to nag or prod.
I am starting to notice age issues, however. I’m 30 right now, and my parents are both 61. If I meet Ms. Right tomorrow, get married in 3 years, kids 3 years later, my parents will be 77 (if they’re alive) by the time my kids are 10. I want my kids to know my parents, dagnabbit! My parents rock! (Fortunately, my mom has both genetics and lifestyle in her favor for a long and healthy life, but my dad, less so…)
My mom hasn’t hit hard on this but brings it up time to time, but i think it’s more because she thinks i’m gay. I’m 25 and don’t expect to get married until my thirties, but you never know what will happen. Hopefully my mom doesn’t crank up the notch, and my friends are pretty much all single so no pressure there, either.
Cambridge, Illinois? I’m from Rock Island, which isn’t that far away. Cambridge is pretty boring, IIRC. I can’t imagine what there is to do there besides cornfield raves.
my parents mostly laid off the get married and have kids crap when I had a kid, out of wedlock. they have the grandkids so they dont seem to mind to much that I am single at 35. I still get it every now and then but they have learned to meet the girl before getting pushy. they were trying to get me to marry one girl I dated who was considerably younger…til they met her. that was pretty funny.
anyway just be straight with your parents, tell them to back off already.
Hey at least your families seem to want you to get married, I got soooooooooo much shit from EVERYONE when we got married, I was 21 (by three days) and he was 22.
We were obviously FAR too young - yeah right. Still, it’s been over a year and I haven’t divorced him yet, who knows, we might actually last, our relationship might just be a little stronger than people might think.
I got really pissed off. Still get flak by the way. Nice.
Ah, now my parents really are the opposite. I can not remember either of them asking me about my romatic life. They didn’t pressure me, steer me in any direction, or or give me any guidance in developing any healthy relationships. Ever. Anything I know on the subject I’ve figured out on my own. It shows. I’m 38 and single, and the dates I’ve been on could probably be counted on my fingers and toes.
There is only one thing worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.
Heh, I got shit when I got married at 18, but just about everybody. It seemed they were all convinced I would get married, get preggers, drop out of college, and ruin my life.
Dang Obsidian, I wish you knew my daughter, maybe you could have talked her out of getting married too young. (and to the wrong person, sigh, I fully believe if she’d waited, she would have outgrown cretin-boy, whom I consider her “first” husband).
Now see I get this as well. I am female, 27, university educated, good job with decent prospects. I rent an apartment here in Wyoming but I am buying a house at home in the UK as an investment. I have a nice life that I love. My parents know this and couldn’t be more proud of me and have never pressured me to do anything in my life. Ever. Where I have the problem is my friends at home. They have all married/are engaged to/are living with/ local boys that we went to high school with - standard question when I go home is:
“When are you going to come home and find a nice local boy and get a sensible job?”
Standard answer:
“When one of two things happen 1) when my company opens up a base in my home town and is willing to pay me what I earn out here so that I can do my job there or 2) when hell freezes over”
I know they love me and miss me and I do get homesick and I love going home to visit but I could do without the questions thanks.
