Constable Parrot ate one of those!
Ev’ry sperm is sacred, every sperm is great. If a sperm gets wasted, God gets quite irate!
And I should know 'cause each time
I was standing in the way
I’ve got a ferret sticking up my nose
I’ve got a ferret sticking up my nose
How it got there I can’t tell
But now it’s there it hurts like hell
And what is more it radically affects
My sense of smell
***Ram’s Bladder Cup
*****only the choicest juicy chunks of
fresh Cornish Ram’s bladder,
emptied, steamed, flavoured with
sesame seeds, whipped into a
fondue and garnished with fresh
lark’s vomit
I’m afraid we are unable to show you any more of that letter. We continue with a man with a stoat through his head.
Dinsdale?
Lark’s vomit?!?!
Yes, right under monosodium glutemate.
Right men, confuse the…cat!
Spam, eggs, spam and spam
Your cat is suffering from what we vets haven’t found a word for. His condition is typified by total physical inertia, absence of interest in its ambience - what we vets call environment - failure to respond to the conventional external stimuli - a ball of string, a nice juicy mouse, a bird. To be blunt, your cat is in a rut. It’s the old stockbroker syndrome, the suburban fin de siecle ennui, angst, weltschmertz, call it what you will.
Good morning, gentlemen. This is a twelve-storey block combining classical neo-Georgian features with the efficiency of modern techniques. The tenants arrive in the entrance hall here, and are carried along the corridor on a conveyor belt in extreme comfort and past murals depicting Mediterranean scenes, towards the rotating knives. The last twenty feet of the corridor are heavily soundproofed. The blood pours down these chutes and the mangled flesh slurps into these…
Excuse me, did you say rotating knives??
Does that not fit in with your plans?
Well now we’re getting somewhere. No, wait. A new angle! In the snow, instead of the tree, I see Rock Hudson, and instead of the dog I see Doris Day and, gentlemen, Doris Day goes up to Rock Hudson and she kisses him. A love story. Intercourse Italian style. David Hemmings as a hippy Gestapo officer. Frontal nudity. A family picture. A comedy. And then when Doris Day’s kissed Rock Hudson she says something funny like…
No, it does not. Uh, we-- we wanted a… simple… block of flats.
Er … Good evening.
Oh, I see. I hadn’t correctly divined your attitude towards your tenants. You see I mainly design slaughter houses. Yes, pity. Mind you, this is a real beaut. I mean, none of your blood caked on the walls and flesh flying out of the windows, inconveniencing the passers-by with this one. I mean, my life has been building up to this.
Yes, and well done, but we want a block of flats.
That’s not funny! Get out! You’re fired!