And here, another British expedition, attempting to be the first man to successfully climb the North Face of the Uxbridge Road.
You know those lancers who charged into the valley of death?
Oh, yes, battle of Balaklava.
Well, there weren’t actually 600 of them. Only 599.
Oh, how’s that?
One of them was the Devil.
Really? What was the Devil doing in the middle of a cavalry charge?
Well, he wasn’t actually in the middle of it.
Where was he, then?
Standing on a corner watching all the souls go by.
It’s a fair cop.
Are you selling something?
Botticelli was no prude:
he painted ladies in the nude.*
But seeing so much rump and belly
can turn some viewers’ minds to jelly,
and cause disturbance and distress
or what is worse, licentiousness.
What a mess!
*'Twas the ladies, not Botticelli, who were in the nude.
Very small rocks!)
Mr. E.V. Lambert of Homeleigh, The Burrows, Oswestry, has presented us with a poser. We do not know which bush he is behind, but we can soon find out.
Yes, it was the middle one.
Burglary is almost as serious a business as murder. Some burglaries are more serious than murder. A burglary in which someone gets stabbled is murder! So don’t come these petty distinctions with me. You’re as bad as a judge. Right, now! The first thing to do in the event of a breach of the peace of any kind, is to… go… (pause) and … oh, sorry, sorry, I was miles away
And now we cross to the bye-bye station at Tupillil, where Prince Momar Agitarios is waiting to be lifted onto his funeral pyre, and 35 of his wives and concubines are waiting (somewhat reluctantly, it must be observed) to join him. The largest crowd ever seen in these parts is breathless from ash-laden smoke and anticipation …
And Angus Podgomy became the first Scotsman to win Wimbledon… fifteen years later.
Oh mother don’t be so sentimental - things explode every day.
No, the whole premise is silly and it’s very badly written. I’m the senior officer here and I haven’t had a funny line yet. So I’m stopping it.
Ah, wait! Wait! We do have a ‘Bwian’! Well, go and wepwieve him, stwaight away.
My brain hurts!
Well, I can’t make up my mind about this family… I don’t think there was the sustained awfulness that we really need. I mean, the father was appalling…He was dirty, smelly and distasteful, and I liked him very much … but…
He has, however, chosen a rather obvious piece of cover.
:: BOOM ::
I’m sorry. I’m afraid I’ve caught poetry.
Just had a chat with your dad.
Hello. Hello people, and welcome to ‘It’s a Tree’. We have some really exiting guests for you this evening. A fabulous spruce, back from a tour of Holland, three gum trees making their first appearance in this country, scots pine and the conifers, and Elm Tree Bole - there you go, can’t be bad - an exiting new American plank, a rainforest and a bucket of sawdust giving their views on teenage violence, and an unusual guest for this programme, a piece of laminated plastic.
And in London I have with me Mr. Ludovic Grayson, the man who scored all six goals in Arsenal’s 1-0 victory over the Turkish Champions FC Botty.