Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, four ounces of Caerphilly, if you please.
Basement: Dangerous gases, viruses, contagious diseases, restaurant and toilet fixings.
Good evening, and welcome to the Arthur Ludlow Memorial Baths, Newport, for this year’s finals of the All-England Summarize Proust Competition. As you may remember, each contestant has to give a brief summary of Proust’s “A La Recherche du Temps Perdu”, once in a swimsuit and once in evening dress.
Well, you’ve… slept… with a lady.
Yes…?
What’s it like?
All right! I’ll get another assistant.
Yes, tonight Probe Around takes a look at crime. Is it true that the police are using dachshunds to combat the crime wave? And can the head of the Vice Squad turn himself into an albatross whenever he wants to? Just what are the police up to?
Well ladies and gentlemen, I don’t think any of our contestants this evening have succeeded in encapsulating the intricacies of Proust’s masterwork, so I’m going to award the first prize this evening to the girl with the biggest tits.
And I want his only daughter to look upon me as her own dad - in a very real and legally-binding sense.
Oh yes, certainly, yes indeed, I find the grounds delightful, and the servants most attentive and particularly the little serving maid with the great big knockers, and…
It’s not a palindrome. Bolton spelt backwards is “Notlob.”
I’d like to answer this question, if I may, in two ways. First in my normal voice and then in a kind of silly high-pitched whine.
I think I’ll just go for a walk.
Well now, let us see the performances which brought them this award.
It is a great honour to have so many members of the Government dead in our sitting room.
If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me? I am no longer infected.
Squad! Camp it… UP!
Wankel Rotary Engine.
Good evening, we interrupt this programme again, a) to irritate you and, b) to provide work for one of our announcers.
*(different voice over - Jack) *Good evening, I’m the announcer who’s just been given this job by the BBC and I’d just like to say how grateful I am to the BBC for providing me with work, particularly at this time of year, when things are a bit thin for us announcers. Um… I don’t know whether I should tell you this, but, well, I have been going through a rather tough time recently. Things have been pretty awful at home. My wife, Josephine… ‘Joe-jums’ as I call her… who is also an announcer…
Joe-jums: Hello…
Jack: … has not been able to announce since our youngest, Clifford, was born, and, well, (tearfully) I’ve just got no confidence left. I can’t get up in the morning, I feel there’s nothing worth living for… (starts to sob)
You can catch it off lampposts.
Shirley who used to be the hairdresser?