Alan: Well, last week we showed you how to become a gynaecologist. And this week on ‘How to do it’ we’re going to show you how to play the flute, how to split an atom, how to construct a box girder bridge, how to irrigate the Sahara Desert and make vast new areas of land cultivatable, but first, here’s Jackie to tell you all how to rid the world of all known diseases.
Jackie: Hello, Alan.
Alan: Hello, Jackie.
I’m rather fond of dogs.
Regards,
Shodan
Well, stout yeoman, four ounces of Caerphilly, if you please.
That’s all right - you can put the dead Indian in the spare room on top of the dung.
The criminal mind is a strange and contorted one. Good evening. The mind is subject to severe mental stresses. Good evening. Guilt fears abound, good evening. In the subconscious in this state, one of our lads, with a fair training in the black arts, can scare the fertilizer out of them.
But it’s my only line!
Oh, wicked, wicked Zoot. Oh, she is a naughty person and she must pay the penalty, and here in Castle Anthrax, we have but one punishment for setting alight the grail-shaped beacon: you must tie her down on a bed and spank her.
Regards,
Shodan
It’s s a fair cop!
I don’t care how fucking runny it is. Hand it over with all speed.
It’s Ghastly Spotty Cross-Eyed’s birthday and she’s having a disemboweling party for a few friends. The Nauseas will be there, and Doug and Janice Mucus, and the Rectums from Swanage.
People get killed, properly dead, sir, no barely-crossed fingers, sir. A bloke was telling me, if you’re in the Army and there’s a war, you have to go and fight!
Oh I certainly do - it was the same with me. I mean there comes a time when you realize there’s no good frittering your life away in idleness and trivial chit-chat. Where’s your cave?
Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam,
Spammity Spam!
I’m sorry about that, but I always introduce this programme, not him.
Ladies and gentlemen, I am not simply going to say ‘and now for something completely different’ this week, as I do not think it fit. This is a particularly auspicious occasion for us this evening, as we have been told that Her Majesty the Queen will be watching part of the show tonight. We don’t know exactly when Her Majesty will be tuning in. We understand that at the moment she is watching ‘The Virginian’, but we have been promised that we will be informed the moment that she changes channel. Her majesty would like everyone to behave quite normally but her equerry has asked me to request all of you at home to stand when the great moment arrives, although we here in the studio will be carrying on with our humorous vignettes and spoofs in the ordinary way. Thank you. And now without any more ado and completely as normal, here are the opening titles.
Er, please excuse my wife. She may appear to be rather nasty but underneath she has a heart of formica.
Yes I quite agree with you, I mean what’s the point of being treated like a sheep, I mean I’m fed up with going abroad and being treated like a sheep, what’s the point of being carted around in buses surrounded by sweaty mindless oafs from Kettering and Boventry in their cloth caps and their cardigans and their transistor radios and their ‘Sunday Mirrors’, complaining about the tea, ‘Oh they don’t make it properly here do they not like at home’ stopping at Majorcan bodegas, selling fish and chips and Watney’s Red Barrel and calamares and two veg and sitting in cotton sun frocks squirting Timothy White’s suncream all over their puffy raw swollen purulent flesh cos they ‘overdid it on the first day’!
Not at all. Now what seems to be the problem? You can tell me - I’m a Vet, you know.
Malcolm Peter Brian Telescope Adrian Umbrella Stand Jasper Wednesday (pops mouth twice) Stoatgobbler John Raw Vegetable (sound effect of horse whinnying) Arthur Norman Michael (blows squeaker) Featherstone Smith (blows whistle) Northgot Edwards Harris (fires pistol, which goes ‘whoop’) Mason (chuff-chuff-chuff) Frampton Jones Fruitbat Gilbert (sings) ‘We’ll keep a welcome in the’ (three shots, stops singing) Williams If I Could Walk That Way Jenkin (squeaker) Tiger-draws Pratt Thompson (sings) ‘Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head’ Darcy Carter (horn) Pussycat ‘Don’t Sleep In The Subway’ Barton Mannering (hoot, ‘whoop’) Smith.
The salmon mousse!