Allow me to introduce myself. I’m afraid I must ask that no one leave the room. Allow me to introduce myself. I’m Inspector Tiger.
Dear Sir, I object strongly to the obvious lavatorial turn this show has already taken.
No, no. Look. This shed business, it doesn’t really matter at all, the sheds aren’t important. It’s just a few friends call me Two Sheds and that’s all there is to it. I wish you’d ask me about my music. I’m a composer. People always ask me about the sheds, they’ve got it out of proportion, I’m fed up with the shed, I wish I’d never got it in the first place.
Dear Sir, I object strongly to the letters on your programme. They are clearly not written by the general public and are merely included for a cheap laugh. Yours sincerely etc., William Knickers.
Apart from the sanitation, the medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, the fresh water system, and public health … what have the Romans ever done for us?
No one ever expects the Spanish Inquisition!
So you think you are strong because you can survive the soft cushions. Well, we shall see. Biggles! Put her in the Comfy Chair!
Good evening. Over 400,000 million pounds were wiped off the value of shares this afternoon, when someone in the Stock Exchange coughed. Sport: capital punishment is to be re-introduced in the first and second division. Any player found tackling from behind or controlling the ball with the lower part of the arm will be hanged. But the electric chair remains the standard punishment for threatening the goalie. Referee’s chairman, Len Goebbels said ‘at last the referee has been given teeth’. Finally, politics: the latest opinion poll published today shows Labour ahead with 40%, the AA second with 38% and not surprisingly Kentucky Fried Chicken running the Liberals a very close third. And now back to me. Hello. And now it’s time to go over to Hugh Delaney in Paignton.
A horse, a horse, my kingdom for a horse.
Say no more!
Bad luck, Genghis. Nice to have you on the show.
Sing Little Birdie?
Back to you, Wolfgang.
John Stuart Mill, of his own free will,
On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill.
Plato, they say, could stick it away
Half a crate of whiskey every day.
Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle,
Hobbes was fond of his dram,
And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart:
“I drink, therefore I am”
Yes, Socrates, himself, is particularly missed;
A lovely little thinker but a bugger when he’s pissed!
Mind if we call you Bruce to make it clear?
Stupid git.
It’s all gotten quite silly…
Old woman!
Well, I’m afraid I shan’t be coming on your expedition, sir, as I’ve absolutely no confidence in anyone involved in it.
MARY RECRUITING
Yes, Discourse, that’s what I wanted to post.