More Funny Lines From TV Shows. Oh joy!

In My Humble Opinion
1

“That '70s Show” (1998)

Kitty: Have you ever baked a pie before?
Jackie: No. I was hoping to just get by on my looks.

Kelso: The truth is out there, man, it’s out there.
Fez: No more for you.

[On Kitty’s mother-in-law.]
Midge: What’s that pet name she has for you?
Kitty: Whore.

Red Forman: Without rules, we all might as well be up in a tree flinging our crap at each other.

Eric: You’re right, Jackie, the Fonz could beat up Bruce Lee.

Red Forman: What are you going to put put on your resume: dumbass?

Steve Hyde: Okay. Alright. Do you remember that time when I was climbing your fence, and I hit my forehead on that tree branch, and I fell into your yard, and your dog Yogi came out of the house and bit me twice on the ass?
Michael Kelso: [laughing] Yeah, you bled and you cried.
Steve Hyde: I bled. I didn’t cry.
Michael Kelso: Yeah, you did. You bled AND you cried.
Steve Hyde: And you laughed, man! A lot! While I was bleeding! … You see my point?
Michael Kelso: Yeah: it’s funny when friends get hurt.
Steve Hyde: Close enough.

Michael Kelso: Hey, Eric, maybe she’s going to give you the big gift. You know, the BIG gift. You guys know what I’m talking about right?
Steve Hyde: Yes, Kelso. We got it. Then, we got it.
Fez: I’m not even from here, and I got it.

Michael Kelso: C’mon Eric, we never ask you for anything.
Eric Forman: You guys ask me for everything!
Michael Kelso: So, what’s one more thing?

Kitty Forman: So, what do you want for your birthday?
Red Forman: Whatever you want. Money is no object, as long as it’s reasonable.
Eric Forman: I want a cassette player for the car. A cassette player, not an 8 track. NOT an 8 track. Okay?
Kitty Forman: Why don’t they put record players in cars?
Red Forman: OK, Eric, if you don’t want an 8 track, you won’t get one.
Kitty Forman: Oh, but Red, he wants one.
Eric Forman: No, I don’t! I don’t want an 8 track.
Red Forman: We’ll get you a Delco. A genuine GM part for a genuine GM car.

Fez: What’s disco?
Steve Hyde: It’s from Hell. And, not the cool part of hell where all the murderers are either, but the lameass part where accountants are from.

[the guys are high in Eric’s basement]
Steve Hyde: I read somewhere that people in India fast, man. And, that it makes them think better. And, sometimes they can actually think themselves to death, man.
Michael Kelso: I wonder if that’s what I’m doing right now? Sometimes my brain is doing things that I don’t even know about!
Eric Forman: Man, we think of some great stuff down here! But, later on I can never remember it.

Fez: Don’t resist me, Mama. It’s boogie time.

Eric Forman: [imitating Red] I say we torture them with plenty of pointless rules and advice.

Fez: This suit is for leisure. But many times I wear it to get down to business.

Eric Forman: It’s amazing what one act of civil disobedience can do for a person.

Michael Kelso: I miss Eric.
Jackie Burkhardt: Well, you still have me.
Michael Kelso: It’s not the same, Jackie. I can talk to Eric about things that I can’t talk about with you.
Jackie Burkhardt: Okay, well like what?
Michael Kelso: Well, for instance, the annoying things you do.
Jackie Burkhardt: Michael!
Michael Kelso: See, I can’t talk to you!

Dad: Forman, party of two.
Restaurant Hostess: Okey dokey, that’ll be about two hours.
Dad: Here’s twenty bucks.
Restaurant Hostess: Okay we’ll have something in fifteen minutes.
Dad: You don’t want this place to burn down twice do you?
Restaurant Hostess: Okay we have something right now.
Dad: I thought so. Well, it looks like it’s our lucky night.

Eric Forman: Gentlemen, we have finally done it. A pot leaf on the water tower!
Fez: This is the proudest moment of my life!
Steve Hyde: It doesn’t look like a pot leaf. It looks like its giving me the finger.
Michael Kelso: Well it doesn’t have to look perfect Hyde, it’s art!

Kitty Forman: All families are embarrassing. If they aren’t embarrassing they’re dead.

Kitty Forman: Sex, it’s not dirty.
Red Forman: It’s not clean either.

Donna Pinciotti: Jackie I went on the pill.
Jackie Burkhardt: Oh my God. You are going to be so popular.

Red Forman: [discussing Obi-Wan Kenobi] Jedi Knight, phhh. Jedi dumbass.

Steve Hyde: See, this is why your country lost the war.
Fez: My country never fought a war.
Steve Hyde: Yeah, big surprise.

Michael Kelso: Cartoons make me horny. Oh and food.

Donna Pinciotti: Excuse me Jackie, when did you lose your soul?
Jackie Burkhardt: Cheerleading camp.

Steve Hyde: That’s the price you pay for docking your Love Boat in Jackie Vallarta.

[Eric catches his parents having sex]
Kitty Forman: Red, say something!
Red Forman: It’s not as fun as it looks.

Donna Pinciotti: I love you, Eric.
Eric Forman: I love… cake.

Michael Kelso: Yeah, I’m so Brando.
Steven “Steve” Hyde: Yeah, if Brando had a buddy named Potsie.

Michael Kelso: If you really do love her, there’s only one thing to do, man. You gotta dump her and live free!

Jackie Beulah Burkhardt: Look, the sooner you realize I’m a genius, the better off we’ll both be.

Michael Kelso: Why would you just cuddle with her when you could do it? I mean, Forman, doing it is “it.” That’s why they call it “it.” IT!

Fez: Opportunity does not knock, then knock again, then leave a note saying “sorry I missed you.”

[On buying an economy car during the oil crisis]
Red Forman: The last time I was that close to a Japanese machine, it was shooting at me.

Red Forman: We’re all gonna go to church and we’re gonna have a damn nice Sunday!

2

Elliott: Jack, give me two words that sell magazines.
Jack: Multiple orgasms.

Elliot: Just don’t wear any makeup.
Maya: Why not?
Elliot: My mom will call you a whore.

Dennis Finch: Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring. And my legs work.

Jack “The Kid” Gallo: The Kid is not about “cute”! The Kid is about bullfights and bar fights and old fishermen and young whores!

Nina Van Horn: Guess what I have.
Dennis Finch: Why, are they baffled down at the clinic?

Nina Van Horn: I like to think of my body as a temple.
Dennis Finch: Which explains why there’s a line to get in on Friday nights.

Nina Van Horn: Denial is not just a river in England.

Dennis Finch: Crank it, spank it, smack it on the bing-bong.

Dennis Finch: All women are just two drinks away from a girl-on-girl adventure.

Elliott Di Mauro: Trust me. Revenge is a dish best served with maple syrup.

Dennis Finch: If I get killed, tell Courtney in accounting I love her and erase all the porn on my computer.

Dennis Finch: You couldn’t score in a monkey whorehouse with a bag of bananas.

Elliott Di Mauro: No way. Last time I took you on a photo shoot with me, you walked in on Kate Moss taking a shower.
Dennis Finch: It was an innocent mistake. I was trying to walk in on Elle McPherson.

Elliott Di Mauro: I’m creepy?
Dennis Finch: Like a backrub from grandma.

3

Kramer: The bus is outta control! So I grab him by the collar, I take him out of the seat, I get behind the wheel, and now I’m driving the bus!
Jerry: Wow.
George: You’re Batman!
Kramer: Yeah, yeah, I am Batman. Then the mugger, he comes to and he starts choking me! So I’m fighting him off with one hand and I kept driving the bus with the other, ya know. Then I managed to open up the door and I kicked him out the door, ya know, with my foot, ya know, at the next stop.
Jerry: You kept making all the stops?!
Kramer: Well, people kept ringing the bell.

George Constanza: Jerry, just remember, it’s not a lie if you believe it.

[Answering the phone.]
Jerry: If you know what happened in the Mets game don’t tell me, I taped it. Hello?

George: Do you ever get down on your knees and thank God you know me and have access to my dementia?

Kramer: Who’s gonna turn down a Junior Mint? It’s chocolate, it’s peppermint, it’s delicious.
Jerry: That’s true.
Kramer: It’s very refreshing.

Kramer: Yo Yo Ma!

Telemarketer: Would you be interested in a subscription to the New York Times?
Jerry: Yes!
[hangs up]

Elaine: All right, let’s go, I’ll give you half an hour.
Jerry: You’re serious?
Elaine: Jerry, we have to have sex to save the friendship.
Jerry: Sex to SAVE the friendship! Well if we have to, we have to!

Blaine: What was bad about The English Patient?
Elaine: Only that it sucked!

Jerry Seinfeld: Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don’t stare at it. It’s too risky. Ya get a sense of it and then you look away!

[Looking at Elaine’s Christmas card (photo by Kramer).]
Jerry Seinfeld: I’m not sure, and correct me if I’m wrong, but I think I see… a nipple.

George Constanza: You know I always wanted to pretend I was an architect.

Kramer: Boy, these pretzels are makin’ me thirsty!

[Answering a telemarketer’s phone call.]
Jerry: I’m sorry, I’m a little tied up now. Give me your home number and I’ll call you back later… Oh, you don’t like being called at home? Well, now you know how I feel.
[hangs up]

Jerry: I’m not gay! Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Jerry: I don’t understand. Do you have my reservation?
Car Rental Assisstant: We have your reservation, we just ran out of cars.
Jerry: But the reservation keeps the car here, that’s why you have the reservation!
Car Rental Assisstant: I think I know why we have reservations.
Jerry: I don’t think you do. You see, you know how to take the reservation, you just don’t know how to hold the reservation. And that’s really the most important part of the reservation: the holding. Anybody can just take them.

George: You’re really moving to California?
Kramer: [points to his head] Up here, I’m already gone.

Elaine: You know what your problem is? Your standards are too high.
Jerry: I went out with you.
Elaine: That’s because my standards are too low.

Elaine: I’m not a lesbian. I hate men, but I’m not a lesbian.

Kramer: A hot bowl of mulligatawny would hit the spot.
Elaine: Mulligatawny?
Kramer: Yes, it’s a delightful Hindu concoction simmered to perfection by one of the great soup artisans in the modern era.
Elaine: Who, the Soup Nazi?
Kramer: He’s not a Nazi, Elaine. He just happens to be a little eccentric. Most geniuses are.

Cosmo Kramer: If you’re not gonna be a part of a civil society, then just get in your car and drive on over to the East Side.

Newman: I’m a United States Postal Worker.
George Louis Costanza: Aren’t those the guys that always go crazy, come back with a gun and shoot everybody?
Newman: Sometimes.
Jerome “Jerry” Seinfeld: Why is that?
Newman: Because the mail never stops. Every day it piles up, more and more and more, and you’ve got to get it out, and the more you get out, the more keeps coming in. And then the barcode reader breaks! And it’s Publisher’s Clearing House…
Jerome “Jerry” Seinfeld: All right, all right!

Jerome “Jerry” Seinfeld: You can’t keep avoiding her.
George Louis Costanza: Why not? If she can’t find me, she can’t break up with me!

Kramer: They’re trying to screw with your head.
Jerry: Now why would a junior high school want to screw with my head?
Kramer: Why does Radio Shack ask for your phone number when you buy batteries? I don’t know.

[At Yankees batting practice]
George Louis Costanza: Guys, hitting is not about muscle. It’s simple physics. Calculate the velocity, v, in relation to the trajectory, t, in which g, gravity, of course remains a constant. [Hits a home run] It’s not complicated.
Derek Jeter: Now, who are you again?
George Louis Costanza: George Costanza, assistant to the traveling secretary.
Bernie Williams: Are you the guy who put us in that Ramada in Milwaukee?
George Louis Costanza: Do you wanna talk about hotels, or do you wanna win some ball games?
Derek Jeter: We won the World Series.
George Louis Costanza: In six games.

George Louis Costanza: I’m speechless. I have no speech.

Cosmo Kramer: They’re redoing the Cloud Club.
Jerome “Jerry” Seinfeld: Oh, the restaurant on top of the Chrysler building? That’s a good idea.
Cosmo Kramer: Of course it is, it’s my idea.
Jerome “Jerry” Seinfeld: Which part, renovating the restaurant you don’t own part, or spending the 200 million you don’t have part?

Jerome “Jerry” Seinfeld: Cinnamon! It should be on tables in restaurants along with salt and pepper! Anytime someone says, “Ooh, this is so good – what’s in this?” the answer invariably comes back, “cinnamon.” Cinnamon! Again and again!

Rental car representative: Would you like insurance?
Jerome “Jerry” Seinfeld: Yeah, you better give me the insurance. Because I’m gonna beat the hell out of this car!

Jerome “Jerry” Seinfeld: You see, Elaine, the key to eating a black and white cookie is that you wanna get some black and some white in each bite. Nothing mixes better than vanilla and chocolate. And yet still somehow racial harmony eludes us. If people would only look to the cookie, all our problems would be solved.

Jerome “Jerry” Seinfeld: You know it’s a very interesting situation. Here you have a job that can help you get girls. But you also have a relationship. But if you try to get rid of the relationship so you can get girls, you lose the job. You see the irony?
George Louis Costanza: Yeah, yeah, I see the irony.

Jerome “Jerry” Seinfeld: You will be stunned.
Elaine Marie Benes: Stunned by soup?
Jerome “Jerry” Seinfeld: You can’t eat this soup standing up. Your knees buckle.

George Louis Costanza: The sea was angry that day, my friends. Like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli.

George: I want to make a good entrance. I never makes good entrances.
Jerome “Jerry” Seinfeld: You have made some good exits.

[Jerry, Marla, George, and Stacey meet.]
Marla: Jerry.
Jerome “Jerry” Seinfeld: George, Marla.
George: Marla.
Marla: George. Jerry, Stacey.
Jerome “Jerry” Seinfeld: Stacey.
Stacey: Jerry.
Jerome “Jerry” Seinfeld: George, Stacey.
George: Stacey.
Stacey: George.
Jerome “Jerry” Seinfeld: George.
George: Jerry. Marla.

George Louis Costanza: I love you, Jer!
Jerome “Jerry” Seinfeld: Right back at you, slick!

George Louis Costanza: Kramer goes to a fantasy camp? His whole life is a fantasy camp! People should plunk down $2000 to live like him for a week. Sleep, do nothing, fall ass-backwards into money, mooch food off your neighbors and have sex without dating… THAT’S a fantasy camp.

Cosmo Kramer: Who wants to have some FUN?
Jerome “Jerry” Seinfeld: I do!
George: I do.
Cosmo Kramer: Are you just saying you want to have fun or do you REALLY WANT TO HAVE FUN?
Jerome “Jerry” Seinfeld: I really want to have fun!
George: I’m just saying I want to have fun.
Cosmo Kramer: Well, I have 500 Titleists in the trunk of my car! Let’s go down to Rockaway and hit them… INTO THE OCEAN! Tee up, swing whoosh the ball glides up high into the sky and then… gugh!

Jerome “Jerry” Seinfeld: I need to talk to you about my friend, Dr. Tim Whatley. I think he’s converted to Judaism just for the jokes.
Father Curtis: And this offends you as a Jewish person?
Jerome “Jerry” Seinfeld: No, it offends me as a comedian!

4

Nicole “Nikki” Catherine Faber: [on the phone] I’m sorry I scared you mother. It was a simple, run-of-the-mill orgasm.

[A woman is making a pass at Carter]
Carter Sebastian Heywood: Your heterosexual powers have no effect on me.

Roberta: Mr. Mayor, would you consider marching in the Gay Pride Parade this week?
Mayor Randall Winston: What, are you drunk?

Deputy Mayor Michael Flaherty: There are 10 commandments. I’d like your dates to check out on at least 7 of them.

Ashley Schaeffer: We shouldn’t have culturally insensitive sex.

Carter Sebastian Heywood: If the Deputy Mayor speaks in his office, and there are no cameras to hear, does he make a sound?

Nicole “Nikki” Catherine Faber: Oh, Stuart, one day you’re going to make some woman very very unhappy.

Deputy Mayor Michael Flaherty: Look at Dick Clark. Not a grey hair on his head and he’s as popular now as he was 100 years ago.

Deputy Mayor Michael Flaherty: My grandmother thought that a homosexual was a person who slept with one person their whole life. We were gonna let it slide but she kept telling the mailman she was a homosexual.

Deputy Mayor Michael Flaherty: Now, I don’t want to hear any excuses.
Stuart Bondek: You sure? 'Cause I’ve been saving the doozy. It starts out as an excuse but I end up blaming James.

Deputy Mayor Michael Flaherty: Anybody read this? Bingo died.
Karen: Ohh! Who’s Bingo?
Deputy Mayor Michael Flaherty: Only the city’s most decorated police dog.
Nicole “Nikki” Catherine Faber: Oh, yeah, right. He pulled that drowning kid out of the reservoir.
James Leonard Hobert III: And didn’t he sniff out 10 kilos of cocaine at La Guardia?
Deputy Mayor Michael Flaherty: Yeah. Poor little guy didn’t sleep for weeks after that.

Paul Thomas Lassiter: You know, I’ve been allergic to cats all my life, but at the pet morgue, nothing. Turns out I’m not allergic to dead cats.
Carter Sebastian Heywood: Then you should definitely get one.

Holly: I don’t have the patience to ask you again. Leave me alone or I’ll have you terminated.
Stuart Bondek: You can’t fire me.
Holly: I meant killed.

Deputy Mayor Michael Flaherty: I had sex with this woman, Kevin. And she wants to get pregnant. She kidnapped my “guys”! And she put them in the freezer!
Kevin: That old story.

[On erections.]
Nicole “Nikki” Catherine Faber: Can’t you guys control those things?
Stuart Bondek: Not always.
Deputy Mayor Michael Flaherty: You can scold it, or smack it around a little bit. That only seems to encourage it.
Nicole “Nikki” Catherine Faber: I am fascinated.
James Leonard Hobert III: Sometimes all it takes is a thought, memory… sometimes all it takes is a slight breeze.

Drew West: So, Randy… what’s your favorite sexual position?
Mayor Randall Winston: Well, that’s really not any of your business. However, I hear yours is “Man on top, woman in magazine.”

Mayor Randall Winston: Are you sure this is the best title for my autobiography? “Winston On Winston”?
Deputy Mayor Michael Flaherty: Hey, as long there aren’t two guys on the cover, I think we’re okay.

Stuart Bondek: Big 3-0, huh? It’s the perfect age. You can date college girls and their mothers.

Deputy Mayor Michael Flaherty: As my assistant, occasionally you may need to assist me.

Stuart Bondek: I remember the first time I got mugged. It was by a woman. She came up to me, made small talk, put her hand in my pocket, and made off with my wallet.
James Leonard Hobert III: That’s horrible!
Stuart Bondek: I’ve paid more to get less.

Stuart Bondek: If that woman ever shows her face again, I will unleash a punishment upon her she cannot even fathom.
Carter Sebastian Heywood: What are you gonna do? You gonna date her?

5

“Reverend Jim” Ignatowski: Hey, Alex–You know the really great thing about television? If something important happens, anywhere in the world, night or day… you can always change the channel.

[during a written driving test]
“Reverend Jim” Ignatowski: Pssssttt… what does the yellow light mean?
Bobby Wheeler: “Slow down.”
“Reverend Jim” Ignatowski: What… does… the… yellow… light… mean?
Bobby Wheeler: “Slow down”!
“Reverend Jim” Ignatowski: Whaaaat… dooooeeees… theeeee… yeeeel-looowwww… liiiiight… meeeeaaan?

[while filling out an application]
Bobby Wheeler: Mental illness or narcotic addiction?
“Reverend Jim” Ignatowski: Now that’s a tough choice…

Alex Rieger: One thing about being a cabbie is that you don’t have to worry about being fired from a good job.

Jim: When I think of me, I smile.

Louie De Palma: Whenever I hear the word “marriage,” I say, “Check, please!”

[Latka pays Louie a coin.]
Louie De Palma: What’s this?
Latka Gravas: It’s a kebble.
Louie De Palma: What’s a kebble?
Latka Gravas: 110 kebble make a lithnitch.
Louie De Palma: What’s a lithnich?
Latka Gravas: 270 lithnich make a matta.
Louie De Palma: What’s a matta?
Latka Gravas: I don’t know, what’s the matter with you?

6

Diane: Oh no! The thing I feared most has happened!
Carla: What? Your Living Bra died of boredom?

Woody: Jack Frost nipping at your toes, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: Yeah, now let’s get Joe Beer nipping at my liver.

[To Diane in court.]
Sam: To me, our relationship makes perfect sense. You want me to propose to you, I propose to you. You say no, I say fine, I never wanna see you again. You drive me nuts telling me you want me to propose again, I do, you turn me down. Next thing I know I’m in a court of law where I’ve got to propose to you or go to jail. It’s the classic American love story.

Sam: What’ll you have Normie?
Norm: Well, I’m in a gambling mood Sammy. I’ll take a glass of whatever comes out of that tap.
Sam: Looks like beer, Norm.
Norm: Call me Mister Lucky.

Sam: What’s new, Normie?
Norm: Terrorists, Sam. They’ve taken over my stomach and they’re demanding beer.

Woody: Hey Mr. Peterson, there’s a cold one waiting for you.
Norm: I know. If she calls, I’m not here.

Woody: Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: Alright, but stop me at one. Make that one-thirty.

Woody: What’s going on, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: The question is what’s going in Mr. Peterson. A beer please, Woody.

Woody: Would you like a beer, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: No, I’d like a dead cat in a glass.

Diane: He’s trying to make a mountain out of a molehill.
Carla: He wants you to wear a padded bra?

Norm: I want something light and cold.
Carla: Sorry, it’s Diane’s day off.

Carla: If you can’t say anything nice, say it about Diane.

Cliff: Is this me or is this getting a little weird?
Carla: You passed weird six months ago!
Norm: Now you’re boldly going where no man has gone before.
Cliff: Boy, I guess it’s true what they say, huh? There’s a fine line between gardening and madness.

Norm Peterson: It’s a dog eat dog world, and I’m wearing Milkbone underwear.

Sam “Mayday” Malone: I’ve never met an intelligent woman I’d want to date.
Diane Chambers: On behalf of all the intelligent women in America, may I just say: whew!

Woodrow Tiberius “Woody” Boyd: What’s shakin’, Mr. Peterson?
Norm Peterson: All four cheeks and a couple of chins.

Nick Tortelli: You think it’s easy being a lousy father?

Norm Peterson: Women! You can’t live with 'em. Pass the beernuts.

Diane Chambers: Do you know what the difference is between you and a fat-brained ass?
Sam “Mayday” Malone: No, I don’t.
Diane Chambers: The fat-brained ass would!

Clifford “Cliff” C. Clavin Jr.: I’m ashamed God made me a man.
Carla Maria Victoria Angelina Teresa Apollonia Lozupone Tortelli LeBec: I don’t think God’s doin’ a lot of bragging about it either.

Sam “Mayday” Malone: What are you up to, Norm?
Norm Peterson: My ideal weight… if I were 11 feet tall.

Ernie “Coach” Pantusso: Norm, how come you and Vera never had any kids?
Norm Peterson: I can’t, Coach.
Ernie “Coach” Pantusso: Gee, I’m sorry Norm.
Norm Peterson: I look at Vera. I just can’t.

7

Uni,

Please don’t take this the wrong way, but I’m starting a collection here at the SDMB to buy you a life for Christmas…

8

Swell! I want one with polka dots in it.

9

http://www.imdb.com is nice, isn’t it?

–Tim

10

'kay, here, smoke this… Yer life will have polka-dots EVERYWHERE.