More Jokes

An elderly couple were watching the tv and the husband had the remote.
He kept changing back and forth between a porn channel and a fishing programme.
“For heaven’s sake” said his wife “leave it on the porn channel, you know how to fish”.

An infinite number of mathematicians walks into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders a half a beer. The third one orders a quarter of a beer. The fourth one orders an eight of a beer…
The bartender pours two beers, and says, “You figure it out!”

Two Lions escape from Belle Vue Zoo in Manchester, they amble up to Piccadilly, down Market Street and along Deansgate.
One Lion turns to t’other and sez “eh it’s quiet for a Saturday”

A pistol shot goes ‘bang,’ a lupara goes ‘boom,’ a machine gun goes ‘ratatatatat,’ and a knife goes ‘swiss.’

An Essex girl was involved in a car crash and was trapped. Paramedics turned up and one of them said to her, “You’ll be all right now, love. We’ll soon have you out. Where are you bleeding from?”
“I’m from bleedin’ Chingford, mate. What about you?”

I bought a new gadget: you put venison in the top, turn the handle, and it comes out as pheasant.
It’s a real game changer…

“Mummy, mummy, when I grow up I want to be a politician!”
“Now don’t be silly, dear, you can’t do both…”

Q: How many psychiatrists are needed to change an incandescent light bulb?
A: Only one, but the bulb must be really WILLING to change.

Q: How many sopranos are required to change a light bulb?
A: Five - one to replace the bulb, and four to kick the chair out from under her.

Q: How many cops does is take to break a light bulb?
A: None; it fell down the steps on its own.

Q: What’s the difference between a tenor and an orca?
A: Fifteen pounds and a tuxedo.

In the same vein:

A wealthy (well, formerly wealthy) man found himself in the awkward position of having to explain to his wife that he had just blown the entire family fortune gambling, and they would now have to become accustomed to a more … uh … austere life style.

“If you will learn to cook great meals”, he tells her, “we can fire the cook.”

She responds to him: “And if you will learn to make great love, we can fire the gardener.”

Q. How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two. Just don’t ask me how they got in there.

Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar, followed by Batman.

Rene Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “Would you like a drink?” Descartes says, “I think not,” then vanishes.

Pavlov is sitting in a bar having a drink when the phone rings. He leaps off his bar stool and exclaims, “Oh crap! I forgot to feed the dogs!”

One wind turbine says to the other, “So, what kind of music are you into?”
The other one replies, “I’m a big metal fan.”

The only light bulb joke that has ever made me laugh (probably read it on the Dope):

Q: How many Vietnam veterans does is take to screw in a light bulb?

A: You don’t know, man, you weren’t there!


Guy goes to the doctor. The doctor says, “I’m sorry, your condition is terminal.”

Guy asks, “How long have I got?”

The doctor says, “Five.”

The guy says, "Five what? Years, months?

The doctor says, “Four, three, two…”


Two molecules are walking down the sidewalk. The first molecule trips on the curb and falls. The second molecule helps the first one up and asks him, “Are you OK?” The first one says, “I think I dropped an electron.” The first one asks, “Are you sure?” The second one says, “I’m positive!”

A neutron goes to a bar and orders a beer and drinks it. When he is ready to leave he asks the bartender, “What do I owe you?” The bartender responds, “You’re a neutron, there’s no charge.”

I may have posted this before, but it is a favorite:

A kidnapper is dragging a kid through the woods.
Kid: “Mister, it is getting dark out and these woods are really creepy and I’m scared”
Kidnapper: “How do you think I feel? I have to walk back to the car by myself”

A drunken guest at a party uses the host’s bathroom to relieve himself. After leaving the bathroom, he approaches his host and asks, “Say, do you have green toilet paper that says, ‘FUCK YOU!’?” The host replies, “Of course not.” The drunk responds, “Oh. Well then I think I just wiped my ass with your parrot.”

The doctor comes back into the exam room with the test results and the saddest expression a human being could possibly have on their face.

“Why don’t my rich patients ever get this?” he asked.

Sixteen sodium atoms enter a bar, followed by Batman.

I didn’t get this the first time either, rePeter Morris.

Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na

Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na


I bought a dozen eggs yesterday and put them in the refrigerator. When I went to make breakfast this morning, the fridge was full of the souls of dead people!
The eggs were mediums.

After a series of crimes in his area, the police chief has announced that he is looking for a man with one eye. If he doesn’t find him, he’s going to use both eyes.

Went to see the doc today. Eventually, he told me that he thought I had hypochondria.

Well I’m not surprised, sez I. I might as well have that. After all, I’ve got everything else…

A holocaust survivor goes to heaven, God asks him to tell a holocaust joke. God was not amused “That’s not funny” she says.
The holocaust survivor said “Well, I guess you just had to be there”

My ex stood in front of the full length mirror in our bedroom… naked… She said ‘Darling… my hair is thinning badly, the skin around my eyes looks like crows feet… my neck looks like chicken skin… my breasts are sagging and have stretch marks… My belly is also sagging and has stretch marks… I have cellulite on my butt and thighs and my feet are getting very wrinkly… please tell me something good about me’… I replied with ’ Your eyesight is brilliant love’

An old man walks into a Catholic church and enters the confessional, the following conversation ensues:

Old Man: Father, last night I picked up two gorgeous Danish stewardesses in a bar, took them to my hotel and made passionate love to them all night long.

Priest: I see, but I don’t recognize your voice, are you a member of this parish?

Old Man: No.

Priest: Well, are you even Catholic?

Old Man: No, I’m Jewish.

Priest: Well then why are you telling me this?

Old Man: Hell, Father, I’m telling every one!

Whoa, déjà vu!

A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. Bartender says, “What is this, some kind of joke?”

A priest, a rabbit, and a minister walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”

This joke just begs for a follow on.

How do you make a Swiss Roll? Push him down the hill.

Q: What’s so good about being Swiss?
A: Well, the flag is a big plus.