Do not look for the Past
for you cannot change it.
Do not look for the Future
for you do not know what it is.
Do not look for the Present
for I didn’t get you one.
If you start watching Avengers: Endgame on New Year’s Eve at exactly 9:29:30, at exactly midnight…
You’ll realize exactly why you’re still single.
I accidentally squirted some ketchup in my eyes…
Now I have Heinzsight!!
My girlfriend left me this Christmas…
So now I am alone with a wife and two kids.
Who in the Addams Family gets the most gifts at Christmas?
Cousin Itt. Santa always checks him on his list twice.