Never mind
Interesting as always 
Damn near killed em.
I believe Dr. Cox put the light bulb back in Dr. Kelso’s lamp. Hilarity ensued?
IIRC it was Cox, JD and “Doctor” Jan Itor who did that.
How does one get a bag of soil lodged in their vagina?
Dirty girl.
mmm
Do not look for the Past
for you cannot change it.
Do not look for the Future
for you do not know what it is.
Do not look for the Present
for I didn’t get you one.
If you start watching Avengers: Endgame on New Year’s Eve at exactly 9:29:30, at exactly midnight…
You’ll realize exactly why you’re still single.
I accidentally squirted some ketchup in my eyes…
Now I have Heinzsight!!
My girlfriend left me this Christmas…
So now I am alone with a wife and two kids.
Who in the Addams Family gets the most gifts at Christmas?
Cousin Itt. Santa always checks him on his list twice.
This is one time where your sig might have been spelled out.
Why was Santa sick on the day after Christmas?
A couple of the chimneys he went down had the flue.
I really appreciate how some people still give gifts to poor guys on the street, even after Christmas.
For example yesterday I saw someone giving his credit card and $5,000 to a guy who only had a knife…
I heard New Year’s is cancelled in Russia this year.
They have no rockets left.
Did you hear about the alcoholic medium?
He made all the spirits disappear.
How many Trump supporters does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Trump says it’s changed and his supporters all cheer in the dark.
Christmas season keeps starting earlier and earlier.
It’s 363 days until Christmas, and already people have their decorations up!
I went to fancy dress party dressed only in my briefs, someone asked
“What are you here as?”
“I’m a premature ejaculation” says I
“I don’t get it…?”
“I’ve come in my pants…”
A vicar is on the bus on a warm summers day, next to him a little girl is enjoying an ice lolly…
Looking down, the vicar sees something and says “Excuse me young lady, do you know you have a hair on your sweetie?”
“Yes,” she replied proudly, “and I’m only 10…”
A woman’s costume for a party consisted solely of a lemon over her crotch.
Her husband put a potato on his penis. The wife say, ‘Oh, no, you don’t! You’re not going to the party like that!’ The husband said, ‘Why not? If you’re going as a sourpuss, I can go as a dictator!’
A man arrives at a costume party wearing only a pair of roller skates.
He came as a pull toy.
A senior gentleman was riding a packed bus when a pretty young lady boarded. Seeing that she had no place to sit, the man offered his lap to her.
“You have nothing to worry about,” he explained, “I’m an old man.” She accepted his offer and sat on his lap.
A few moments later the man said, “You’d better get off, I’m not as old as I thought I was,”
I asked the gym instructor “Can you teach me to do the splits?”
He said, ”How flexible are you?”
I said, ”I can’t make Tuesdays.”
I’m on the whiskey diet.
I’ve lost three days already.
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well.
I was amazed; I had no idea those things worked.
I cleaned out the attic with my wife the other day.
I still can’t get the cobwebs out of her hair.
Comic Sans walked into a bar.
The bartender said, “Get out! We don’t want your type in here!”
A girl is at the doctor’s office having her regular checkup. He’s checking her breathing.
Doctor: “Big breaths!”
Girl: "Yeth - and I’m only thixteen!
A man comes to the doctor and asks for a vasectomy.
“What, a vasectomy, right now?” asks the doctor baffled.
“Yes, i’m a bit in a hurry, my wife is waiting, we want to go shopping and to the movies afterwards and she found it a good idea to get a vasectomy first.”
The doctor shrugs and says “As you like it, come in then.”
Said and done, and when the man comes back to his wife she’s asking “All ok with you, did it go well, did it hurt?” “Not at all” the men replies “I had a anesthesia of course.”
“What, anesthesia for a vaccination?!” the wife is confused. The man slaps his forehead and shouts “Vaccination!”
I was kidnapped by a group of savage mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.
I have 11 New Year Resolutions…
- Never make resolutions.
- Be accepting of paradoxes.
- Use the binary number system more often.
What do you call two idiots in a blizzard?
Numb and Number.
My new year’s resolution is to stay out of shape
Maybe I won’t stick with this one either.