People who don’t know the difference between etymology and entomology
bug me in ways for which I have no words.
Peruvian owls always hunt in pairs.
It’s because they are Inca hoots.
I’m going to a solstice party at my in-laws -
It’s going to be a long night.
What do you call an elf wearing earmuffs?
Whatever you want. He can’t hear you.
What do you call Santa’s little helpers?
Subordinate clauses.
What do you have after all the presents have been opened?
A Christmess.
How do you scare a snowman?
First you get a hairdryer…
Why do bees stay in their hives in the winter?
Swarm in there.
mmm
Amazon is a lot like Santa Claus.
It brings gifts to our homes, gets busy around Christmas and is very eager for our cookies.
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus…
and, unfortunately, so did my parents.
Ladies! Please stop asking Santa Claus for the perfect man!
I’ve been kidnapped three times today already.
With everything so expensive this year, it could be just German sausage and cheese for Christmas dinner.
But that’s a Wurst-Käse scenario.
I made a traditional German dessert for this years’ Christmas dinner.
Unfortunately, it was stollen.
What did the wise men say after they offered up their gifts of gold and frankincense?
But wait, there’s myrrh.
What did one cranberry say to another at Christmas?
‘Tis the season to be jelly!
Why doesn’t Santa go to the hospital?
He has private elf care.
Knock, knock.
Who’s There?
Avery.
Avery who?
Avery merry Christmas to you!
What is Santa’s favorite snack?
Crisp Pringles.
Knock knock!
Who is it?
Knock knock!
Who is it?
Knock knock!
Who is it?
Knock knock!
Who is it?
I ALREADY TOLD YOU IT’S KNOCK KNOCK!
OK : )
Hey Shadow, you’ve seen my Rickroll gun?
Yes, Rick Astley.
OK, where?
Plenty of places, like your bag, your room, your car, your-
I meant today!
Then why didn’t you just say that?
…
Hey Rick, do you know of a 100% full-proof way to never get Rickrolled?
Well, Shadow, I have good and bad news: The good news is that I know of a 100% full-proof way to never be Rickrolled; the bad news is that this message contains a lie 
What do reindeer use to decorate their antlers?
Hornaments.
Uplifting Christmas messages - not.
But don’t worry, be happy.
Depression: When the book ends in a cliffhanger and you realize the author hasn’t published anything in ten years.
More depression: When you tell a joke to your psychiatrist and instead of laughing, she starts taking notes.
Since it’s impossible to know what period of my life is the middle, I’ve decided to just have an ongoing crisis.
The human body is 60% water so really we’re just cucumbers with anxiety.
I just sent this to my native-German-speaking dad. Thanks!
Your teeth are like stars…
They come out at night.
Your nose is like a basketball…
It dribbles all over the floor.
If your nose runs and your feet smell…
You’re built upside down.
I know a guy who has three teeth on the top and two teeth on the bottom, for a total of five teeth.
It’s simple meth.
Your breath is like roses. Four Roses.
Alas, Peter Schickele passed away this year, who gave us:
For your hair is your crown…
…which you remove when you retire
And your breath is like down…
…wind of a compost heap on fire
With your eyes black as nuns…
…like nuns they cross themselves each day
And your face like the suns…
…set over Pittsburgh, USA…
Which hand is better to light the menorah with?
Neither. Use a candle.
The lesser-known fourth Wise Man brought baby Jesus the gift of protein powder.
It was a whey in a manger.
A child from a poor family wanted a bike for Christmas
so he asked his mother. His mother replied, ‘Well, I can’t afford one so you’ll just have to go ask the baby Jesus.’
The boy went to his room, got a stack of refill and a pen and began writing: ‘Dear Baby Jesus, I’ve been good all year, can you please give me a bike for Christmas.’
Then he looked at it and thought maybe that wasn’t entirely true, so he tried again.
‘Dear Baby Jesus, I’ve been good for the past week, can you please give me a bike for Christmas.’
Then he looked at it again and still wasn’t sure if that was true, so he tried yet again.
‘Dear Baby Jesus, if you give me a bike, I’ll be good all year.’
But even then that seemed too hard, so he took a walk outside to think about it.
As he was walking, he saw his neighbour’s statue of Mother Mary. The boy hopped over the fence, tucked it under his shoulder and ran home to hide it.
Then wrote his letter again.
‘Dear Baby Jesus, if you ever want to see your mother again, give me a bike.’
I have a talent where I can see inside wrapped presents.
It’s a gift.
Why did Frosty the Snowman quit drinking?
Every time he went out he got plowed.
“…so I stole a bike, and asked for forgiveness.”
Top of tree ornament next year.
Have a Merry Christmas,
Frosty would have wanted it that way.