“Who is the most vicious enemy of the Green Lanterns?”
“Captain Nazi. He hates colored people.”
“You’re just jealous that the voices are talking to me!”
“That which does not kill you has made a tactical error.”
Did you hear that labs are using lawyers instead of white rats now? Know why?
Because the rest of the letters are not-E.
but can’t make him drink.
…he gets really angry.
I’m rare in Togo!
Toboggan.
Whatever life throws at you, duck and let it hit someone else.
Sooner or later we all quote our mothers.
If you rearrange all the letters of Postage …
You’ll end up with the Gestapo.
Neon walks into a bar. The bartender says “We don’t serve your filthy, stinking kind here!”
Neon doesn’t react.
The Wizard of Lb.
FRY, MY PRETTIES!
The florist’s son handed the teacher a gift.
She shook it, held it up and said, “I bet I know what it is - it’s some flowers!”
“That’s right!” shouted the little boy.
Then the candy store owner’s daughter handed the teacher a gift.
She held it up, shook it and said. “I bet I know what it is - it’s a box of candy!”
“That’s right!” shouted the little girl.
The next gift was from the liquor store owner’s son, Little Johnny.
The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking.
She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it.
“Is it wine?” she asked. “No,” Little Johnny answered.
The teacher touched another drop to her tongue.
“Is it champagne?” she asked.
“No,” he answered.
Finally, the teacher said, “I give up. What is it?”
Little Johnny replied, “A puppy!”
Ballistic mistletoe,
I wonder how many people are in that field.
The bartender should have seen the sign. Neon does a noble job of advertising the bar’s presence at night.
How does King Wenceslas like his pizza?
Deep pan, crisp, and even.
Why does Santa have no children?
He only comes once a year.
Sex is like snow.
You never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
I have fickle cell anemia.
… so they can heat their house?
Fur-Elise Navidad!
With a gyroscope.
Made me so wet.
What do Santa’s reindeers’ wives do for fun on Christmas Eve night, while their husbands are busy pulling Santa around the world?
They go into town and blow a few bucks.
Coral wreaths.
Eggnog-stic.
He’s my indoor Finn.
Italics.
She says she’s hoping to win and it being like her time on Baywatch, where many in Hollywood were jealous of her Golden Globes
They sleep longer in bed.
This can be readily seen from the convenient way the sun comes up in the morning,
when people are ready to start the day.
Soy to the World
A cookie sheet.
A broken drum. You can’t beat it!
North Polish.
The FBI called him “an enema of the state”.
You stop, rock, and roll.
What he’s doing 'round my house I don’t know.
They kept coming over singing those darn Christmas carols. Bah humbug!
Santatizer.
Stand in the corner - it’s 90 degrees.
Somehow they still got in.
…but now I use my hands.
So I went in as Batman.
Johannes Kepler, the great astronomer, wrote of a child “entering his house through a secret door”, and disrupting his work, when his first child was born.
Proof once and for all that he’s unstable.
‘‘Not really,’’ she replied. “Chores make me feel satisfied afterwards.”
From now on I will smoke exclusively for evil.
A chimpony.
You’ve hurt its peelings.
What’s the difference between Iron Man and Aluminum Man?
Iron Man stops the bad guys. Aluminum Man just foils their plans.
My physics teacher said I had a lot of potential, then he pushed me off the roof.
No longer allowed to go caroling at the psych hospital; I guess Do You Hear What I Hear was a bad song choice.
She sleighs.
Loaf Actually
Michael Googlé.
Because they get hooked on trees their whole life.
Gift wrapping.