What do you call an elf who lives in Beverly Hills?
Welfy.
What’s the most popular Christmas wine?
“This isn’t what I asked for!”
Admiring the Christmas trees displayed in his neighbors’ windows, a child asks his father, “Daddy, can we have a Hanukkah tree?”
“What? No, of course not,” says his father.
“Why not?” asks the child again.
Bewildered, his father replies, “Because the last time we had dealings with a lighted bush we spent forty years wandering the desert.”
On the first day of Hanukkah, a grandmother is giving her grandson directions to her apartment. He is coming to visit with his new wife.
“You come to the front door of the condominium complex. I am in apartment 2B. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 2B. I’ll buzz you in. Come inside and the elevator is on the right. Hit the up button with your elbow, get in, and with your other elbow hit the number two. When you exit the elevator, I’m the second door on the right. Ring my doorbell with your elbow and I’ll let you in.”
“Grandma, that sounds easy,” replies the grandson. “But why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?”
His grandmother answers, “You’re coming to visit empty-handed?”
The true spirit of Christmas –
People being helped by other people other than me.
Jewish version: His Jewish friend stranded on another island built two synagogues. When rescued and asked why, he said, “Well, this one is the one I go to.” “And the other one?” “Oh that is the one I wouldn’t be caught dead in.”
"I am the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Thou shalt have no other monsters before Me. (Afterwards is OK; just use protection.) The only Monster who deserves capitalization is Me! Other monsters are false monsters, undeserving of capitalization. "
"Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli,‘"I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease’.
Disraeli replied, ‘That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress.’"
“My parents just came back from a planet where the dominant life form had no bilateral symmetry, and all I got was this stupid F-Shirt.”
The head of human resources is interviewing a potential candidate for the open position of corporate attorney.
“Would you consider yourself an honest lawyer?” the HR person asks in the interview.
“Honest?” the lawyer responds. “Let me tell you how honest I am. My father sold everything he had to put me through law school. After my very first case, I paid him back in full.”
“That’s very impressive,” the HR person admits. “What was the case?”
The attorney fidgets in his seat and says, “He sued me for the money.”
What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus.
At the movie theater, a girl returning to her seat taps the shoulder of the man in the last seat in the row.
“Excuse me,” she says, “but did I step on your toe on the way to the bathroom?”
“As a matter of fact, you did,” says the man, expecting an apology.
“Oh, good,” says the girl, “then this is my row.”
I bought myself a parrot, but it did not say ‘I’m hungry,’ and so it died.
Mitch Hedberg
Two priests are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, “The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it’s too late!”
They plan to hold up the sign to each passing car.
“Leave us alone, you religious nuts!” yells the first driver as he speeds by. From around the curve the priests hear screeching tires and a big splash.
“Do you think,” one priest says to other, “it would be better to shorten the sign to ‘Bridge Out’ instead?”
Back in the 90’s, there was a lawsuit about the rights to James Dean’s image. It seems there was no provision in Dean’s contract saying who gets them. The lawyers involved naturally called the case Rebel Without a Clause.
