I am Dutch…
Then you CERTAINLY wouldn’t get the joke, either.
Correct 
Besides, I know him as Wudolph the Wednosed Weindeew
Wouldn’t that make you Wincewind?
“Fwee Wincewind!”
Would have been a good one 
A guy just finishes his lasik surgery and his surgeon leads him in his office to discuss the surgery…
The surgeon asks if he wants the good news or bad news first.
The man excitedly replies, “I’ll take the good news first.”
The surgeon tells him, “Well, you’re about to get a new dog.”
I gave my wife $10,000 to get plastic surgery
Last week she took the money, got the surgery and ran away.
So not only am I down 10 grand, I don’t know who to look for.
My doctor is an expert in keyhole surgery
She studied at Yale.
“Did you ask her when she left Yale?”
“She said ‘Yust this Yanuary’.”
You probably got this, but pretty sure the Prof was referencing Yale locks for his word play.
Yeah, that is a key point.
Was that joke posted on Tumblr?
I got it from reddit.
I got a psychic reading that said I was going to die happy.
The next day I went and got a job in customer service so I’d live forever.
I had an old dog named Cigarette.
Poor thing didn’t have any legs, so every night I’d take him out for a drag.
How many billionaires does it take to make a superhero?
Three: two to die and one to never get over it.
Woosh! 
A Russian communist is lying on his deathbed
His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says,
“Dimitri, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me.”
“Oh, no worries buddy,” says Dimitri.
The Communist then turns to another friend.
“Petya, remember being sentenced in 1937 to 25 years in the gulag? Well, it was me who went to the NKVD. Please forgive me.”
“No hard feelings, my friend. You are forgiven,” says Petya.
“Misha, I must confess to you that I had you sent to the penal battalion in 1942. I am terribly sorry about that day.”
“Please my friend, we all forgive you. You may go in peace,” says Misha.
“Thank you, comrades, for being with me throughout all these years,” says the old communist with a tear streaming down his face. “I don’t know where I’d be if it wasn’t for you. I never knew you loved me that much despite me being a stool pigeon.”
His friends are visibly touched by his words. Finally, he gathers his last strength and says.
“And in honor of our deep friendship I want you to fulfill my last wish. See that cactus plant on the windowsill? As soon as I die, I want you to take it and shove it up my ass.”
Just as his friends were about to say something the old communist took his last breath.
So Petya rushes to the window, takes the cactus plant off and together they shove it up their dead friend’s butt. Suddenly, the friends hear a loud banging on the door followed by a gruff voice shouting:
“Open up, it’s the police. We’ve received information that an old Bolshevik has been tortured to death.”
What did our parents do to kill boredom before the internet?
I asked my 10 brothers and sisters, but they don’t know either.
Me: Is talking to myself normal?
Me: Yes it is.
Me: Oh, thank God.
In these tough times Taco Bell is providing more value than ever -
Where else can you get gas for $1.19?
(I don’t know about the rest of you. But I think sometimes real life offers the best and most funny jokes. This literally just happened today…)
I went to my pharmacist, see if I had any medications ready yet.
Anything ready yet for J— B—? I asked him.
Then I noticed that they had some trophies on the back wall.
What are the awards for? I asked him.
Nothing! he exclaimed.
You got awards for nothing? I asked How odd.
No, you have no medicines ready yet he explained. LOL.
Anyone else have a similar experience/joke to relate 
?
Oh, sure. Way back when I worked briefly at an insurance company, where I typed information from claim forms into a computer database.
One of the claims had to do with a funeral.
The funeral took place at the top of a “gently sloping” hill under a tent as rain clouds gathered. It soon began to rain. The crowd huddled under the tent. Someone, for unknown reasons, had brought the deceased’s dog to the funeral who was getting nervous being in close quarters. The rainstorm became a thunderstorm, and lightning struck a light pole in the not-that-distant parking area, which broke, fell, and smashed a windshield. Which set of the theft alarm. Children began to cry.
The dog became frantic and jumped onto the casket. He was a good-sized dog, and the jar of his landing, combined with the increasingly dampening ground, caused the casket to slide off its bearings and proceed down the not-really-all-that-gentle slope, picking up speed. On its descent it managed to flatten a tombstone and didn’t stop until it reached another. The undertaker crew quickly descended to rectify the situation.
The dog wasn’t having any of it, The insurance claim was for medical coverage from dog bites.
Did they make that into one of those Farmers Insurance commercials?
Two friends pooled money to buy an instrument
They’re now in a same-sax relationship
Why have there been no alien sightings in our galaxy yet?
They’re lactose intolerant.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese.
Who am I to diss-a-brie?
This sounds like a hokey sitcom joke setup but is an actual thing that happened to me:
I was taking a required three dimensional design class in college while going for a degree in Fine Arts. We had a project to create a design using several pieces of something of a certain shape, and create something that looked completely different, or “more than the sum of its parts”.
I chose some PVC pipe bend connectors- short segments that bent at maybe a 30 degree angle. I glued them together (using the wrong type of glue for PVC) into a twisting spire, attached it to a flimsy base, and painted it red with white stripes using oil paints from my painting class (for those who don’t know, oil paint takes weeks if not months to dry properly). Finally, I named it: “Train of Thought”.
On presentation day, the presentations were all displayed on a table, and the professor went from one to another, giving his impressions of each piece. When he came to mine, he was gesturing animatedly around it with his hands, while his unbuttoned cardigan sweater was getting awfully close to the still-drying oil paint, making me very nervous.
Then what I feared would happen, did: he knocked it with his hand, causing it to topple. He tried grabbing it to stop it from falling over, but it just broke into pieces and he ended up with red and white oil paint all over his hands and sweater. I was extremely embarrassed.
A classmate turned to me and said, “looks like he broke your train of thought.”