Whereas a hero protagonist called Hiro Protagonist is, well … what it is I guess.
A burglar had been casing a particular house for some time. Finally, he saw the owners leave for what appeared to be an extended camping trip. That night he broke in through a basement window and was trying to find his way in the dark when he heard what seemed to him to be the voice of a very old woman saying:
“Shame on you! I see you, and Jesus sees you!”
Startled, the burglar snarls back: “Shut up, Grandma, or you’re gonna get hurt!”
He then shines his flashlight all around, but finds no one.
Again the voice: “Shame on you! I see you, and Jesus sees you!”
Finally, the beam of the flashlight finds a large cage and in it a pretty upset parrot. Relieved, the burglar turns back around and starts toward the stairs, only to spot an enormous, salivating Doberman waiting at the top. Just then the parrot screams:
“Sic’em, Jesus!”
Frank the farmer had a nagging wife.
She made his life miserable. The only real peace he got was when he was out in the field plowing.
One day while in the field, Frank’s wife brought him his lunch. Then while he quietly ate she berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Frank’s old donkey kicked up his back legs, struck her in the head killing her instantly.
At the funeral, the Priest noticed that when the women offered their sympathy, Frank would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.
After the mourners left, the Priest approached Frank and asked, “Why did you nod your head up and down to all the women and shook from side to side to all the men?”
Well, Frank replied, “The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. And all the men asked, “Is that donkey for sale?
An American man seeking peace among the religions of the East found a new guru.
After his new teacher had spoken for an hour on the importance of following one’s inner nature along the path, the man interrupted to say: “I thought the idea was to lose one’s desires and attain enlightenment.”
“No, no,” the teacher admonished. “That was Zen. This is Tao.”
What does a peaceful cow say?
Oooooom.
A French guy showed me his yachts.
French guy: This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th one?
French guy: Cinq.
Did you know that Ukraine has no Walmarts?
only targets.
In a public library, a man with his new library card questioned the blonde librarian.
“Do you mean to say,” he asked, “that with this card I may take out any book I want?”
“Yes,” she answered.
“And may I take out vinyl records too?”
“Yes, you may.”
“May I take you out?” he ventured.
"Sir, the librarians are for reference only.”
Purple Haze, In-A-Gadda Da Vida, more…on ukulele.
I love Summer in Canada!
It’s my favorite day of the year!
Who changes the season when Summer is over?
No one, it happens Autumnatically.
I booked a trip to visit the Cherokee in Oklahoma this summer, but having second thoughts…
I’m having a reservation reservation reservation.
Why can’t cats swim?
Because un-deux-trois-CAT-SANK.
I wish I could find the B. Kliban cartoon.
Sometimes you Can’t Get What You Want. I was looking for one I got out in my garage, to post in somebody’s thread when they fell off the toilet and broke their arm (Hi, T!), but no dice. Couldn’t find it anywhere!
It’s called Humiliation and Bandage
Funny to the end…
Bob Hope was obviously dying. And while he was on his deathbed, they asked him where he wanted to be buried.
He reportedly answered ‘Surprise me.’
A really poor joke for ice-breaking boring/awkward/combative situations with just about any group of folks -
(I usually say it almost mumbled, or at least really, really low key, forcing people to bend an ear towards you 
)
So - just as an aside…How many “D”'s are there in “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer”?
People usually look at each other with a start, then “four?” pops up, and I quietly mumble “nope”, which of course spurs a brief, deconstructing dialogue, with maybe a different number (to which of course I also mumble nope) or furrowed brows at me, when I then say, “So, everyone give up?”
It’s important the everyone has conceded and is now awaiting the answer, to which I delay slightly, for suspense. By now I’m almost slightly hunched over, the moribund little joke teller, and quietly proffer, “Dee-dee, dee-dee-DEE, dee, dee…”
I’ve just invented a telepathically controlled air freshener
Makes scents when you think about it.
What does D.N.A. stand for?
National Dyslexic Association
Two slices of bread got married.
The ceremony was going quite well until someone decided to toast the bride and groom.
Remember, you matter!
…unless you’re multiplied by the speed of light squared, then you energy!
I’m reading a horror story in Braille. Something bad is about to happen…
I can feel it.
A scout troop is on a hike in the woods. One of them spots a snake and asks the Scout Leader “Is that snake poisonous?”
“No, not poisonous at all” assures the leader. The scout picks up the snake and is quickly bitten, then falls on the ground writhing in pain and foaming at the mouth. The Scout Leader continues “Poison is something that is ingested, venom is something that is injected. That snake was venomous, not poisonous. Get it right next time!”
I’m lost.
It’s Rudolph if you don’t know the words. Sind the syllables like the words to the song.
Um, who DOESN’T know the words to that song?
First, now I’m even more confused: why was that in a spoiler? Are you trying to keep the delightful tension going for those who didn’t read the original joke?
Second, if that’s the joke, um, okay. I saw that, but thought there must be something more to it than that.
People who are ignorant of its lyrics,
Do you know anybody who doesn’t know the lyrics? Everybody I know knows at least the first couple of lines.
Definitely don’t quit your day job.