More Jokes

When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.

Turns out, identity theft is a crime.


My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well.

I was amazed - I never thought they actually worked.


What do you call a carnivorous dinosaur who falls in love with his own mother?

Oedipus Rex


My mother-in-law came for a visit so I asked her - How long do you plan to stay?

Just until I start getting on your nerves, she replied.

Oh, so you won’t even stay for a coffee?


What’s Saudi Arabia’s most popular sitcom?

How I bought your mother

“See?” Johnny’s mother told him, “You were afraid nobody would want to be your friend here. The kids in this Spanish-speaking neighborhood are welcoming you already! They really like you!”

“How do you know?” he asked.

“That nickname they keep calling you—cool arrow!” she replied.

culero, sounding like “cool arrow,” means “asshole.”

Alternatively, he dies from laughing.

What pronouns do the LGBTQ in Afghanistan use?

was/were


Isn’t it annoying when engineering students call themselves engineers?

It’s stupid. You don’t hear medical students calling themselves doctors or art students calling themselves baristas.


I experienced my first mugging last night…

I got a little banged up, but at least I now have some beer money!

…those aren’t pronouns.

If I had a cow, I’d name it Jason. Jason Moomooah.

If I had two elephants, I’d name them both Gerald. Elephants Gerald.

If I had two salmon, I’d name one Ella, and the other one Rushdie. Salmon Ella and Salmon Rushdie.

If I had two llamas, I’d name them both Fernando. Fernando Llamas.

My mother in law complained that I didn’t get her anything for Christmas. I told her it was because she didn’t use the burial plot I got her last year.

My doorbell rang. I opened the door and my mother in law was standing on the steps. She said “can I stay here for a while?” I said “sure” and shut the door.

I have 2 cats - Oscar ('cause he’s wild) and Thornton ('cause he’s wilder)

I don’t really. It’s a joke.

I think I may be addicted to laxatives -

I can’t go without it.


Has Covid-19 forced you to wear glasses and a mask at the same time?

You may be entitled to condensation.


You Americans may have the right to bare arms,

but here in Canada, we can own moose legs.

If I had two newts I’d name them Olivia Newt and John Newt

The delivery always involves affecting a Chinese accent and using broken English, perpetuating stereotypes. Saying the very phrase “Confucius say” before you even get into the joke promotes a racist stereotype.

Yeah I know it was 7 months ago.

I answered my front door this morning and was punched in the face by a 5 foot tall beetle.

That must have been the nasty bug that’s going around.


I thought I was being helpful, opening the door for a woman.

She just screamed and fell out of the plane.


Shocked that pesky ‘Jehovah Witness’ lady by answering the door naked…

Not sure whether she was scared that I was naked or I knew where she lived…

Nothing funnier then nit-picking a joke - one doesn’t answer someone else’s door. I would suggest “by going to the door naked”

Then again, it’s even scarier if he was in her apartment and she didn’t realize it until he answered the door…

Not sure if this is a joke or not, but in the English-language version of “War and Peace” I was reading a few years back, there was a staff officer who was a bit of an incompetent jerk, and his name was Zherkov (pronounced like “jerkoff”). I mean…really?

Oh. Prepositions, then.

deleteme

Still better than the woman in “The House of Mirth” named Mrs. Peniston.

Which, if unintentional, is STILL better than the author who named a character Del Capslock. That’s just lazy.

And yet Jo Nesbo has written an entire detective series featuring a protagonist named, well…

What’s in the middle of a jellyfish?

His jelly button


Why did James Dean cross the road?

Because he wasn’t wearing his seat belt.


Do you know what the difference between hoarding and collecting is?

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