A good man is hard to find.
But hard man is good to find.
Being in a canoe forces you to make a very tough decision.
Roe vs Wade
What did Julius Caesar say after watching porn?
Veni vidi veni.
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino?
Eliphino
May the 4th be with you!
My friend asked me if the next Star Wars movies were going to be in 3D
“Yes” I replied “…but they R2D2.”
I used to confuse Star Wars with Star Trek.
It was a Wookiee mistake.
My wife loves Star Wars…
so last night we watched all the episodes of the Book of Boba Fett, back to back!
Luckily, I was the one facing the TV…
*Whoosh*
A guy goes to his doctor. And he says, ‘Doctor, last night I dreamt I was a tepee.’ ‘Okay,’ said the doctor, ‘Go home and rest.’ The next day he went to his doctor and said ‘This night I dreamt I was a wigwam!’
‘Ah! There is your problem!’ the doctor said. ‘You’re too tense.’
“but they are 2D too”
I like that! I noticed today that my postman has nine letters. And a couple packages, two.
What’s a pirate’s favorite kind of date?
A booty call.
DOH! Thanks.
That is an actual joke, with a punchline that makes sense. Well done.
Happy Cinco De Mayo. A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of three
He says “uno, dos…” then disappears without a tres.
Yesterday was Star Wars Day (May The Fourth be with you). Today is Cinco de Mayo. Combine the two and tomorrow is…
Revenge of the Sixth
At the turn of the last century, Mexico was introduced to mayonnaise.
And they just loved it. They couldn’t make mayonnaise quick enough.
Little known fact, the Titanic had a large vat of mayonnaise that was going to go to Mexico.
Now when the Titanic sunk, and the mayonnaise went with it, the Mexicans were devastated.
So devastated that they did the only logical thing they could do: make a holiday to commemorate that tragic event.
Know what they called that holiday?
Cinco de Mayo.
Man: There is something wrong with my eyes, I keep seeing spots floating around my field of vision.
Friend: that sounds bad have you seen an ophthalmologist?
Man: No just spots so far.
What do you call a hen staring at a pile of lettuce?
A chicken sees a salad.
What’s the difference between me and Jimmy Fallon?
I can get through a Jimmy Fallon sketch without laughing.
A 6-Year-Old Child Looking At Moms ID Card.
He sees: Sex: F
He laughs.
Mom: What’s So Funny?
Kid: I Can’t Believe You Were So Bad In Sex That You Failed It.
Husband Dies Laughing.
Except, of course, that a wigwam isn’t a tent. It’s a hut.
Maybe you should say yurt instead.
(Soldier to Commander): Sir, we are surrounded on all sides!
Commander: Excellent, we can attack in any direction!
‘Men, we are surrounded by the enemy. We have the greatest opportunity ever presented an army. We can attack in any direction.’ - General Anthony McAuliffe (The guy who told the Germans, ‘Nuts.’)
Also known as a “target-rich environment”.
Vladimir Putin dies and goes to hell.
After a year the devil in charge of his section tells him that they need to do maintenance on the area and they’re sending him back to Moscow for an hour.
Putin heads into a nearby bar and orders a large vodka. He asks the barman “Did we get Crimea?” “Yes”, “What about Donbas” “That as well”, “How about Kiev” “That’s ours too”
Putin is happy with this news. His time is nearly up. “How much do I owe you?”
“Five Euros”
Take sulphur plus arsenic plus calcium plus samarium and what do you get?
Sarcasm, i.e. S + Ar + Ca + Sm.
A Zen master visiting New York City goes up to a hot dog vendor and says, “Make me one with everything.”
The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen master, who pays with a $20 bill.
The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it. “Excuse me, but where’s my change?” asks the Zen master.
The vendor responds, “Change must come from within.”