I think it was Ogden Nash who wrote a followup to a sign he kept seeing…
. . . . CROSS
CHILDREN
. . … . WALK
.
. . . . HAPPY
CHILDREN
. . . . . RIDE
If you send goods by road, it is called a shipment.
If you send the same goods across water, it is called a cargo.
Why?
What has 4 letters, sometimes 9 letters, but never has 5 letters.
Just a hint: I didn’t ask a question.
Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the order 4 5 6 1 2 3 ?
In charge of the sequence, Yoda was.
Me: Doctor, I have this irrepressible urge to have sex with the ocean.
Doctor: And how often do you get this urge?
Me: It comes in waves.
OMG, I can’t draw breath for laughing!
Letter to ‘The Times’ a while back.
My daughter, when asked at her new Catholic school to say what she did on a Sunday, wrote that the family all went to church, "but not my father because he’s a prostitute’.
To all the teachers who said I would be nothing but a construction worker and an alcoholic:
Lucky guess.
Taxiing down the tarmac, the 767 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate.
After a hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, “What, exactly, was the problem?”
“The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine,” explained the flight attendant. “It took us a while to find a new pilot.”
I’m going to combine my hobbies of taxidermy and bomb making
And make you an otter you can’t defuse.
Pilots Vs Maintenance Engineers:
(P) # 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
(S) # 2 propeller seepage normal
(P) # 1, # 3, and # 4 propellers lack normal seepage.
(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
(S) Evidence removed.
(P) Something loose in cockpit.
(S) Something tightened in cockpit.
Continuing the theme…
PILOT: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
SOLUTION (from the mechanic): Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what they’re for.
P: Transponder inoperative.
S: Transponder always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel, sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
Steve Irwin would still be alive today if he put on sunscreen
It protects you from harmful rays
Rest in peace boiling water
You will soon be mist
Two Fox News viewers are discussing which is closer, Florida or the Moon.
Then one of them thinks they’ve figured it out and says, “It’s got to be the Moon!”
“Why do you say that?” Says the other.
“DUH! Can you see Florida?”
Quotes of the Day:
“My own view is that Scotch proverbs are often a little vague to outsiders, since one can’t see the sense for the Scotch. For example: “Better thole a grumph than a sumph.” That doubtless expresses a high grade of wisdom, painfully arrived at by those who have tholed sumphs, perhaps through no fault of their own, only to discover when it is too late that they were the grumph type all along. Again: “If a man’s gaun doon the brae ilka ane gies him a jundie.” I have a strange feeling that I’ve been through that very thing myself, but I’ll never be sure.”
- Will Cuppy
A man learns to skate by staggering about making a fool of himself; indeed, he progresses in all things by making a fool of himself.
- George Bernard Shaw
We are here on Earth to do good to others. What the others are here for, I don’t know.
- W. H. Auden
“A fly can’t bird
But a bird can fly.”
— A. A. Milne
Why do you drive in a parkway but park in a driveway?
A school introduces a new rule whereby any pupil heard swearing is subject to a fine of $5.
The headmaster overhears a boy saying, “shit”. He approaches the boy and says, “I heard that. You will be fined $5 as per the new rule”.
The boy pulls a $10 note from his wallet and says, “Keep the fucking change”.
A jewel thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money.
The man started sobbing and said, “You can take anything you want. You can even pistol whip me, but please untie the rope and free her.”
Thief: “You must really love your wife!”
Man: “No, but she will be home shortly”.
I spend the mornings in my rocking chair, and in the afternoon I go out in my wheelchair.
I’ve got a real rock ‘n’ roll lifestyle.
What has 2 legs in the morning, 4 legs in the afternoon, and 3 legs in the evening
The man I was doing surgery on
I got fired from the hospital
Spoof of Bohemian Rhapsody about menopause.
Jokes from last night’s White House Correspondents Dinner:
“Interesting fact: Even as first lady, Dr. Biden continued her teaching career, the first time a presidential spouse has ever done so. Congratulations. You might think it’s because she loves teaching so much, but it’s actually because she’s still paying off her student debt. I’m sorry about that, Jill. Guess you should’ve voted for Bernie.” - Trevor Noah
“Dr. Fauci dropped out. That should have been a pretty big sign. Fauci thought that it was too dangerous to come tonight. Pete Davidson thinks it’s OK. And we all went with Pete.” - Trevor Noah
“Look, I know this is a tough town. I came to office with an ambitious agenda and I expected it to face stiff opposition in the Senate. I just hoped it would be from Republicans.” - Pres. Joe Biden
“Republicans seem to support one fella: some guy named Brandon. He’s having a really good year.” - Pres. Joe Biden
This story is about a group of three men, who’d been friends since grade school and all the way through college, and beyond.
A few years into adulthood, one of the men says, “I can’t keep living a lie. All my life, I feel that I’ve been a woman. I’m going to start presenting as a woman, and get the surgery.” Her friends were very supportive of her decision.
The next time they get together, the friend has gotten the surgery, and is presenting as a woman. The other two members of their friend group, naturally, have some questions.
“Looking very nice,” one of them says. “I want to know, though-- what was the most painful part of the transition? Was it when they removed your penis?”
“No,” the woman replies. “That hurt, but after awhile, I barely noticed its absence.”
“Surely, it was when they took your balls,” the other friend said.
“No. That was pretty painful, but I’m fine now. There is a lingering pain in another way, though.”
“What was that?”
“When they halved my salary.”
I’ve heard a different punchline…
Leaving work, my coworker said, “Hasta lasagna!”
I replied, “Pasta la vista!”
What do you get when you stack two lasagnas on top of each other?
One lasagna.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
Can you have sex with a circle?
No, there’s no point.
My girlfriend’s dog died so I got her an identical one to try and cheer her up.
But it made her even more upset.
She screamed at me saying, “What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?”
Russell Crowe took Sheryl Crow to see Counting Crows.
It was murder.