The president of the U.S., Santa Claus, and the perfect man walk into a bar and all ask for a drink. The bartender puts down one beer. Who gets it?
The president. The other two don’t exist.
Ms. Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories.
She was puzzled by Kyle’s picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.
“The Flight to Egypt ,” was his reply.
Pointing at each figure, Ms. Terri said, “That must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus. But who’s the fourth person?”
“Oh, that’s Pontius - the pilot!”
Sign in front of a Hindu temple in Indonesia- on Bali I think.
It is forbidden to enter menstruating women.
Q: How do you make a Celtic cross?
A: Kick him in the bagpipes.
An interior decorator walks into a post office with a long package under his arm and says to the shop assistant there: “Can you send a venetian blind for me?”
“Well sir, if that jacket you’re wearing didn’t do it, I have no chance”.
I’m American, and I’m sick of people saying America is “the stupidest country in the world”
Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.
I asked a girl to go to the gym with me for our first date, and she didn’t show up
I guess we’re not going to work out.
What is Darth Vader’s favorite month?
Imperial March
Knock knock
Ah, the door! Who’s there?
Cargo.
Beep beep!
Many years ago, when I drove trucks for a living, I used to see a large sign on the side of the road just outside a town.
'DANGER OLD PEOPLE"
I liked to imagine the wrinklies lurking in the bushes, ready to hobble out and beat up unsuspecting passers by with their walking frames.
That’s better than around here, we get “Slow Children Playing” signs.
I mean, do you have to announce how dim the kids are? They try their best.
I’ve literally been looking for this one for ages. And what can I say. I found it:
THE TRUTH ABOUT SUPERSTITIONS ACCORDING TO GROUCHO MARX:
~When a person’s nose itches, it’s a sign it should be scratched.
~A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
~Thirteen at a table is unlucky when the hostess has only 12 chops.
~Singing before breakfast is a forewarning of a fight with a neighbor‒if the neighbor is trying to sleep late.
~Throwing salt over the shoulder is likely to give the impression that the man who throws the salt has dandruff.
~Finding a four-leaf clover is a sign that you have been down on your hands and knees.
~To get out of bed on the wrong side probably means that you have had too much the night before.
~To carry a rabbit’s foot is a sign that you are a good shot with a gun‒or have a friend who is.
~When three men get a light off one match it is indicative of the fact that they have only one match or are Scotsmen.
(Well, it was from a different era…) 
These are great!
Groucho!
“I’m not crazy about reality, but it’s still the only place to get a decent meal.”
“Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.”
“Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while”
So if I were to insist upon a specific phrasing to describe a flag featuring a lavalier, would that make me - a pendant pennant pedant?
If the ornament resembles a set of boules, then you’d be a pétanque pendant pennant pedant
And some people may have a penchant for a pétanque pendant pennant pedant
Around here you’ll see trailers with a sign
CAUTION
HORSES
I guess they tiptoe around on the point of their hooves?
I see CAUTION CHILDREN.
I’ve always thought that would be a good band name.