Fred was famous for avoiding confrontations at all costs.
However, one day he walked into a restaurant and saw Henry David Thoreau sitting at a table. Fred went up to him and started insulting his looks, works and mother.
Eventually Thoreau got upset and beat up Fred.
While he was bleeding on the floor the people started asking; Why did the chicken cross Thoreau?
What does the Pink Panther call certain Dopers who are always nitpicking other posters on this board?
Pedant. Pedant. Pedant, pedant, pedant!
My twin brother called me from prison.
He said: “You know how we finish each other’s sentences?”
“Doctor, Doctor, I have a hoarse throat.”
“Well I hate to break it you, but the resemblance doesn’t end there.”
My books fell on top of me this morning,
I only have my shelf to blame.
That should be seven “pedants.”
They’re being called out individually.
Arrrr should have 4 of the letter “r” only. No more. No less.
The Pirates of Pedants
Pedants ensue!
My girlfriend has just told me, she thinks we’d have less arguments if I wasn’t so pedantic.
I told her, “I think you mean fewer”.
My wife and I have been arguing a lot because she thinks I’m too pedantic
So I’ve started drinking.
She told me, “Alcohol isn’t a solution.”
“Actually,” I replied “it’s excellent at dissolving many substances.”
My friend once told me “You must be the most pedantic person in the entire world.”
“Third most, actually.”
My wife walks to the store every day to buy lottery tickets. I told her that her odds of getting struck by lightning are greater than her odds of winning the lottery.
Now she sends me to get her tickets.
mmm
Funny, those road signs: “Caution - Watch for children!”
I mean, how dangerous can a child be?
What do you get when you cross-breed a shark and a cow?
I have no idea but I wouldn’t try milking it.
“I wasn’t that drunk yesterday.”
“Oh, boy, you took the shower head in your arms and told it to stop crying.”
Waiter? I’m sorry, but I cannot eat all this.
Would you be so kind and pack it for me? To take away?
But sir, this is a buffet.
Pack it up I said!“
I proposed to my ex-wife. But she said no.
She believes I’m just after my money.
Driving through Mexico once, entering a village in the middle of nowhere, a sign read (in Spanish): “Drive with caution — the children here could be yours.” I joked to my friend: “How did they find out my secret! I swear I only spent that one night with that girl here…”
God was moping around Heaven, bored. Saint Peter said, ‘Well… You could always go down Earth and, you know, pick up on some of the local action.’ God replied, ‘No, I can’t do that Pete. I knocked up this girl 2,000 years ago, and they still haven’t stopped talking about it!’
Love it!
A military variation on a violist joke way upthread:
Q: What’s the difference between God and pilots?
A: God doesn’t think he’s a pilot.
Q: How many pilots does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One. The whole world revolves around pilots.
How can you tell if there’s a pilot at your party?
He’ll tell you.
Excellent!
The curator of a bird collection didn’t have any raptors, so he set up an Add-Hawk committee to solve the problem.
So one day good friends J. R. R. “John” Tolkein and C. S. “Jack” Lewis were talking…
Jack says, “You know, John, I’ve put you into one of my Narnia books.”
John asks, “Oh? Who am I?”
Jack answers, “Well, you’re a powerful wizard, not too old, who is wise and kind and helpful.”
John replies, “Oh, that’s very nice. You know, I’ve put you into my book as well.”
Jack asks, “Oh? Who am I?”
John answers, “Well, Jack,… you’re a tree.”
A vegan, a cross-fitter, and a gluten-intolerant enter a bar. How can you tell which is which?
Don’t worry, they’ll tell you.