I have a pen that writes underwater. It writes other words too (just read on Facebook).
Governor Hogg of Texas.
I’ve never heard the Husa before. I’ve heard mention of Ura many times over the years, but it is entirely bogus. Ima Hogg had no sister named Ura.
I saw Ima Hogg once a few months before she passed away. Her chauffeur obviously wasn’t very bright.
And then there’s the Fockers.
Gay(lord) Focker
Dom Focker
Randy Focker
Martha Focker
In college, I had a math professor named Dr. Sprows. He told us that when his son was born, he was considering naming him after a great mathematician, such as Bertrand Russell. But “Bertrand” is a pretty uncommon name, and “Russell”, despite being a last name here, is also a perfectly passable first name, so he figured that the kid would probably go by his middle name. Which would make him “B. Russell Sprows”.
He decided on a different name.
My late Father enjoyed telling this joke:
Have you heard about the Sack sisters, Gunny and Burlap? They’re both old bags.
My oldest brother used to work with a man named “Jack Eoff”. The ‘E’ was silent.
Oh, man. I’m tryin’ but I just can’t get this one. Am I missing a fabulous (or horrific) pun here?
"Brussels sprouts. "
My wife stormed into the pub last night
as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila.
“You’re coming home now!” she screamed.
“No, I’m not,” I laughed.
She said, “I’m talking to the kids.”
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
I left my pet grape in the room to dry it out.
Now holding it in my hand after 3 days, I said, “He is not here, he is raisin.”
I trod on my pet grape.
He let out a little whine.
I always heard the “little whine” joke as an elephant joke.
Which reminds me of the angriest I’ve ever been in my life. Sitting around a campfire one evening, we were trading jokes, and I piped up: “Did you know that an elephant’s genitals are on its feet?”
Folks obligingly said, “Oh yeah?” and I drew breath to deliver the punchline–when this drunk schmuck shouted over me, “YEAH! IF YOU STEP ON ONE YOU’RE FUCKED!”
Oh the white hot rage.
QUOTES FOR THE DAY
Keep seeing the glass half-full and I it will dawn on you that it’s probably your turn to buy.
- Bill Murray
I hate it when people say “Nice to meet you” before I’ve even said anything. How do you know it’s nice to meet me? I’m an asshole.
- Jack Nicholson
I am thinking of buying a monkey. Then I think, “Why stop at one?” I don’t like being limited in that way. Therefore, I’m considering a platoon of monkeys. So that people will look at me and see how mellow and well-adjusted I am compared to these monkeys throwing feces around.
- Robert Downey, Jr.
I’m making a coat out of pancakes.
I call it my flapjacket.
A man wants to deposit money at a Swiss bank.
“How much do you want to deposit?” asks the bank employee.
Whispers the man, “Three million.”
“You can speak up,” says the bank clerk. “In Switzerland, poverty is not a disgrace.”
God initially planned to use wasps to pollinate flowers.
But in the end, he went with plan Bee.
Since it came up, I may as well post it again. 
I went to a really emotional wedding the other day.
Even the cake was in tiers.
I once had a friend
who had a job circumcising elephants.
The pay was lousy, but the tips were huge.
A physicist saw a young man
about to jump off the Empire State Building.
“Don’t do it!”, he yelled: " You have so much potential!"
How much English can you speak?
Your Honor, I want to bring to your attention how unfair it is for my client to be accused of theft. He arrived in New York City a week ago and barely knows his way around. Whats more, he only speaks a few words of English.
The Judge looks at the defendant and says, How much English can you speak?
The defendant looks up and says, Give me your wallet!
“I would like to direct this to the distinguished members of the panel: You lousy cork-soakers. You have violated my farging rights. Dis somanumbatching country was founded so that the liberties of common patriotic citizens like me could not be taken away by a bunch of fargin iceholes… like yourselves.”
Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A. “How the hell do you breathe through that tiny thing?”
A: What’s long and hard and full of semen?
B: The QE2! 
I called my wife and told her
that I’ll pick up Pizza and Coke on the way back from work.
But it seems she was not happy.
She still regrets letting me name the kids.
A middle aged surgeon and his wife are walking along a sandy beach,
when they notice a brass lamp protruding from then ground.
The wife picks it up and a genie immediately spouts forth from the lamp. “You each may have 3 wishes”, the genie says.
The surgeon allows his wife to go first. She asks for a house on the Cliffside nearby, overlooking the beach. Suddenly a mansion appears in the distance. She then asks for immense wealth. This too is also granted. Finally she asks to be free of illnesses for as long as she lives. This is granted and as a token of gratitude the genie transports them to the doorsteps of the cliff side mansion.
The genie turns to the surgeon and inquires what his wishes are. The man states “I’d like to have a wife that is 20 years younger than myself”. The genie nods and makes the man 70 years old.
Spring is here
I got so excited that I wet my plants.