More Jokes

No - but he spoke Malayalam.

Probably lived in Oktahatko.

On a trip to California, he patronized the Yreka Bakery.

Why aren’t there any hobos from Indiana?

Because beggars can’t be Hoosiers.


Why is the archeologist sad?

Because his career is in ruins.


If you apply enough heat and pressure to Kid Rock…

he turns into Neil Diamond.

Vocabulary 01

Arbitrator - A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonalds
Avoidable - What a bullfighter tries to do

Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles their conversation with Yiddishisms.

Esplanade (V.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

Lymph (V.), to walk with a lisp.

This is not a joke, but a true funny story (I saw a photocopy of the note). A man lost an appeal of a parking ticket. He then wrote a check to pay the fine, accompanied by a protest not in which he wished that the officer step on a lego. As someone who has stepped on lego, I found this hilarious.

d4s are so much worse.

Trying to remember…it was circa 2000.

Cops send a man a photo of him running a red light with a $40 fine attached.

He sends them a photocopy of two $20 bills.

They reply with a photocopy of handcuffs.

Yeah, you know it’s weird, the mere act of copying money makes you liable to counterfeit laws, which are quite severe. Unless, unless, you enlarge it at least 150%, or reduce it 75%. But the same laws apply on xeroxes, home printers–what did I leave out?

Football game in the wild. Elephant’s team vs. rhino’s team. First half, team elephant dominates. Nobody on team rhino can run the ball nor stop the other team from scoring. Half-time score 70-0.

Second half, team rhino receives kickoff. It goes to the centipede, who scurries the length of the field for a touchdown, untouched. Centipede is an outstanding tackler as well.

The game goes on. Centipede scores on offense, stops team rhino on defense. Final score, Rhino 77, Elephant 70.

After the game, rhino says to centipede: “Where the hell were you during the first half?”

Centipede: “I was tying my shoes.”

Vocabulary 01

Baloney - Where some hemlines fall

Burglarize - What a crook sees with

Pasteurise - Out of sight.

Acoustic - What you play pool with.

My spouse and I have an invisible means of communication whereby she can, with only a glance across a crowded cocktail party, send me clear messages like “Why are you talking to that hussy?”, “Don’t think I didn’t see that”, and "We are going to talk about this when we get home."

It’s called “Wife-Eye”.

QAnon has announced a beauty pageant

The winner will be crowned Miss Information.


I installed a high-voltage fence around my property.

My neighbor is dead against it.


It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

It’s true. I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.


Did you know that milk is the fastest liquid on earth?

It’s pasteurized before you even see it…


Psychiatrist asks two patients to act they’re in a grocery store -

He tells them that if they do it well, he’ll sign them off, and they can leave the hospital.

So the first one asks for one gallon of potatoes, and the second one bursts into laughter.

Thee doctor was happy his patient shows signs of being cured, but asks him for confirmation : “why are you laughing?”

“Because, he wants to buy a gallon of potatoes and he didn’t bring a bottle!”

What’s the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scottish sheep farmer?

“Hey, McLeod, get offa my ewe!”

Countryside.

Killing Trump.

That’s it.

Joke that can be applied to any election, but for instance…

I’ll use the 2020 presidential election, to be more concrete: If Biden and Trump are in a boat in the middle of the ocean and both fall out and drown, who wins? (Answer: America.)