Originally coined by Stephen Fry in reference to Piers Morgan.
Bigamist - a foggy day in Rome.
Innuendo - an Italian suppository.
Did you hear about the opera singer who threw the game-opening baseball?
They say he had perfect pitch.
Why did the pirate go on vacation?
He felt like he needed some argh and argh
Just A Man Shopping With His Wife
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to the local grocery store. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local store manager:
Dear Mrs. Harris:
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
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June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.
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July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
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July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.
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July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away’. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don’t have a Code 3.
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August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
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August 14: Moved a, ‘CAUTION - WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.
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August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
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August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’ EMTs were called.
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September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
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September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
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October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, ‘Mission Impossible’ theme.
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October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, ‘Madonna Look’ using different sizes of funnels.
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October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’
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October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;
‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!’ -
Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?
And last, but not least:
- October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.’ One of the clerks passed out.
Townlife Magazine
Vocabulary 01:
Control - A short, ugly inmate
Counterfeiters - Workers who install kitchen cabinets
Uh… okay. You know those ASSHOLES who do the shopping for the people too lazy to do it themselves who leave their GIANT carts in the middle of the isle and wander off?
Yes, I stick random stuff in the bags, or move them to the back of the store.
I am SUCH A DICK!
What a great tactic! I will be employing this in the future.
Wait, what? People who are hired (by a store or via gig) to shop for others are assholes? Or the people who use this service are assholes? Why? I thought this was a completely standard, normal thing, and have made great use of it since the pandemic began, as a way to save myself time and lessen my exposure.
Your words.
Not so much an attack on hired shoppers as it is an attack on inconsiderate assholes who block the aisles with their carts, in which case the retribution is completely justified and proportional.
I believe the assholes were blocking entire isles.
My wife asked me if I wanted to watch Dr. Strange for movie night, but I said no.
I had Stranger Things to watch.
An Italian woman is pregnant. You congratulate her. She says “Grazie”. What do you say to her after that?
Prego.
The stomach is smarter than the brain.
Because the stomach warns you when it is empty, the brain does not.
Gilligan was known for this.
mmm
vocabulary 01
Eclipse - What an English barber guy does for a living.
Eyedropper - A clumsy opthalmologist.
A duck walks into a convenience store.
“Get me a chap stick”, it says.
“And put it on my bill.”
Sticking random stuff in the bags is probably going to screw up the orders (and finances) of everybody who placed the orders, while having little if any effect on the person who left the cart in the aisle.
Moving the cart to the back of the store is only going to get it in somebody else’s way; as well as delaying everybody’s orders, not only delaying the picker who has to go hunt for it.
I think it depends on the store’s approach.
If you ordered it on line maybe the bill has already been calculated, and they’re just piling things in the bag…would they simply not be charged to the customer, or would the store catch it because some probably double check to make sure they didn’t miss anything?
I’ve also seen stores that give shoppers—I mean customers, not the people working to fill orders—these widgets that scanned products WHILE they shopped. Once they got to checkout, there was some way that information transferred to the cash register. I imagine that’s what a lot of the people fulfilling orders use. So if they don’t notice a box of condoms was slipped into the bag, it might go out the door without costing the customer anything. But of course it would cost the store. But some might send back the items.
BTW they seemed to stop pushing the use of the widgets…I didn’t like them because I’d put something in the cart, forget to scan it, or decide to put it back and have to delete etc. I ended up setting it aside and doing the usual things at the checkout line.
Or maybe some stores just take the order to a cash register and do like any other customer, thereby catching the item.
I imagine workers who fulfill orders suffer consequences when they get too many orders wrong.
So maybe it screws up the customers (who didn’t leave the cart in the aisle), or maybe it’s theft from the store (which didn’t leave the cart in the aisle), or maybe it’s caught at checkout (which does inconvenience the person who left the cart in the aisle, but also inconveniences everybody else in that line while they straighten things out)?
Still seems to me like a terrible way to try to complain about carts left in the aisles.
Thanks for the info!
Moderating:
Let’s please drop the hijack about professional shoppers and their carts. Thanks.
We really should look into colonizing Mars and other planets or moons
If you look at the studies, 100% of deaths occur here on earth.
What do you call a retired cowboy?
Deranged.
My wife always weeps when we go to the herbs and spices section of our grocery store…
…Seasonal depression is no joke, guys.
She was swell to the division, but rotten to the corps.
He had an apartment in front, and she had a flat behind.
I may have to start saying this.
