What type of pictures to elves take?
Elfies
Water is H2O
Milk is MO2
I can’t help making nun’s outfits.
It’s definitely habit forming.
“Say something clever, be remembered forever”
anonymous
Yes, I know this has already appeared in this thread but I think this wording is snappier.
Pity I can’t take credit for it.
My goldfish are named Major, Minor, Dorian, Mixolydian, and Pentatonic.
The only way I can tell them apart is by their scales.
What’s a cow’s favorite Beatles song?
Hey Chewed
What money do they use on Superman’s homeworld?
Kryptocurrency
I divorced my wife because she was too loud in bed.
I could hear her from two houses down the street.
My older brother always tore the last pages of my comic books, and never told me why.
I had to draw my own conclusions.
Hay Chewed, surely?
Bullshit.
That’s the problem - I was hearing the na-nas to the Batman theme.
Then you’ll begin to make it
batter batter batter batter batter
Swing?
Hey, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha…
(Courtesy of Alexa)
What prize did the ninja dog win?
Best of no-show.
Yeah, I meant “hay”.
A man and woman are going at it, when they hear a car out front.
The woman quickly says:
“Hurry, out the window, it’s my husband.”
Frightened, the man grabs his jocks and starts trying to get them on whilst climbing out the window.
Suddenly, he turns around and states:
“Hang on, I’m your husband. Why would you do that to me?”
To which she responds
“Why did you try to run?”
I dreamed I was invisible and I married an invisible woman.
I’m not sure what we saw in each other.
Our kids were nothing to look at either.
A factory manager in China heard about the 4-day work week:
Loves it. Started making all his employees do it twice a week.
Why do all the other numbers work to keep 8 awake?
Because when 8 falls asleep it’s forever.
New York is where you find the Big Apple.
Minnesota is where the Minneapolis.
Excellent ! 
I love that one. I learned it as a Brooklyn costume party (for the accent); and, there were three guests — the second was wearing a dress (“I’m in this dress/distress”).
Nice. Thanks.
The minister of an Oklahoma farming parish convened a prayer meeting to pray for rain during a serious drought.
Noting that on that cloudless morning the church was full to overflowing, he
came to the pulpit and posed a single question to his flock. “You all know why we’re here,” he said. “What I want to know is, why didn’t any of you bring umbrellas?"
“I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re in my socks.”
–Groucho Marx
“Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago it took two people to carry ten dollars’
worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.”
–Henny Youngman
“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
–Fred Allen
“A friend of mine willed her body to science, but science is contesting the will.”
—Joey Adams
“Hello.”
"Hi Honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?”
“No Daddy. She is upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.”
After a short pause, Daddy says: “but honey, you don’t have an Uncle Paul.”
“Mommy said I do, and he’s upstairs with her in the bedroom right now.”
After a short time, daddy says: “Okay, then. This is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door and yell that Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.”
“Okay Daddy, just a minute.” A few minutes later the little girl comes back on the phone. “I did it, Daddy.”
“And what happened, honey?”
“Well, mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. She tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn’t moving.”
“Oh My God!!! And what happened to your Uncle Paul?”
“He jumped out of bed with no clothes on, too. He was scared and jumped right out of the back window into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water last week to clean it. I think he might be dead."
Long pause … “Swimming pool? …. This is 486-5731?”
I stabbed a zombie, put a stake in the vampire’s heart, and beat to death the Devil himself,
and my wife yelled from the other room, “You’re supposed to give them candy, Frank!”
How many minimalists does it take to change a light bulb?
One.
I took my subatomic car to the quantum mechanic.
He said the wheels have no spin.
The Miss Universe contest is rigged.
Only Earthlings ever win.
My statistics textbook was struck by lightning TWICE in one day!!
Don’t even ask…
Stealing.
I can’t get my car fixed, because I don’t know any Quantum mechanics.