The big problem with driving the Volkswagen Quantum was, if you looked at the speedometer you had no idea where you were; if you checked a map you had no idea how fast you were going.
And the entanglement with other cars is a big problem as well.
Why did the quantum physicist have such toned abs?
Because they planck constant.
Why do physicists never share their feelings?
Because their feelings have no matter.
How does a physicists propose a threesome?
He says he wants to perform the double-slit experiment.
A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer are tasked with finding the volume of a rubber ball.
The mathematician takes the ball, measures its diameter, then calculates the volume.
The physicist submerges the ball in water and measures the amount of water displaced.
The engineer twists and turns the ball, looking for the model number.
Marie Curie was a brilliant physicist but Einstein was exponentially smarter than her.
E = M.C.²
There are three unwritten rules for a happy life:
1.
2.
3.
Y’know, everyone’s always looking for a piece of the action. But Planck already found it.
'k.
…
Groan… 
I guess physicists don’t go for devil’s threesomes, then, eh? But if they did…?
Tell us you’re wealthy without telling us you’re wealthy.
“Jeeves, tell those people I’m wealthy.”
Not to brag, I aced the drug test at work today.
Nobody scored higher than me.
How do you cancel an appointment at the sperm bank?
Tell them you can’t come.
How do the pancakes hoodwink the bacon and eggs?
Surreptitiously
Today is International Woman’s Day. Yesterday was International Libraries Day…
They sure kept that quiet.
I don’t know what HD is, but my doctor says I have 80 of them.
Huh?
Discourse.
80HD = ADHD
more Discourse
Ah. I was reading HD80.
OK, that one is a bit arcane, maybe. A ratio of energy per frequency has the technical name “action”, and is useful in a number of physics contexts. Planck’s constant, then, is the smallest possible action. The piece of the action, as it were.
I invented a thought-controlled air freshener.
It makes scents when you think about it.
I told my tailor his prices were outrageous.
He told me to suit myself.
What’s red and shaped like a bucket?
A blue bucket painted red.
Why do fish live in salt water?
Pepper makes them sneeze.
The doctor gave me some cream for my skin rash.
He said I was a sight for psoriasis.
Today was the worst day of my life.
My ex got hit by a school bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.
“Louis Armstrong? Isn’t he the astronaut? He’s like the first guy to walk on the moon.”
“No, no, you’re thinking Neil.”
“Fine, whatever, the first guy to kneel on the moon.”
“I am Buzz Aldrin, second man to walk on the Moon. Neil before me!”
A man goes into a pub with a cat sitting on his head.
The bartender pulls him a pint and says,
“Look I don’t know if you know it but there’s a cat sitting on your head.”
“What of it?” asks
the man. “I always wear a cat on my head on a Monday.”
“But today’s Tuesday,” replies the bartender.
“Oh, God. Is it?” says the man. “I must look a fool.”
A mother is getting ready to go out with her small son.
“Where are you going?” asks the boy’s father.
“I’m taking Billy to the zoo,” says Mom.
“Lazy bastards,” says the father. “If they want him tell them they can pick him up themselves.”
Ballet dancers are always dancing around on their toes.
Why don’t they hire taller dancers?
Teacher: “Johnny, I believe you copied off Jimmy in the exams.”
Johnny: “How can you tell?”
Teacher: “Whenever Jimmy’s written ‘I don’t know’ next to a question, you’ve put
‘Neither do I.’”
"My wife made me join a bridge club.
I jump off next Tuesday."
- Rodney Dangerfield
A cop pulls over a guy who has two monkeys in the car.
‘Where are you going with those monkeys?’
‘I’m taking them to the movies.’
‘Shouldn’t you take them to the zoo?’
‘Naw, I took them there last week.’