I heard this one differently.
A cop pulls over a guy who has two monkeys in the car.
‘Where are you going with those monkeys?’
‘I’m taking them to the zoo.’
‘Well, ok I’ll let you go then.’
A few days later the cop pulls over the same guy with two monkeys in the car.
‘Hey, didn’t you take these monkeys to the zoo?’
‘Yeah, but today they wanted to see a movie.’
Penn and Teller are selling their bullet catch trick.
It comes with a lifetime guarantee.
It was all over town.
Oats and hay three times a day.
“And what will your third wish be?” asks the genie.
The man replies, “What? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven’t had a first or second wish?”
“You’ve had two wishes already,” replies the genie. “But your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish.
“Okay,” says the man. “I don’t believe any of this, but what the hell. I wish I was irresistible to women.”
“That’s funny,” says the genie as it fades from sight. “That was your first wish too.”
The elephant pushed him.
He lie there, groaning in agony, until the librarian ran up and said “Shhh!”
I’ve only had 3 cups of coffee so far. Could someone explain the genie joke for me?
mmm
It boils down to “be careful what you wish for”. As a guy who’s just naturally irresistible to women, I can understand the punchline better than most.*
*Yes, that was very much a joke
You might think it would be nice to be irresistible to women, but remember that includes ugly women, old women, mafia boss’s wives, etc., etc. It can only end in tears.
I don’t think the joke is about being irresistible, it’s about a wish going so bad that the second wish is to put everything back the way it was… then you use your last wish to make the same horrible wish that went bad.
A man was crossing the street when he was struck by a car.
A crowd gathers round, and one of the bystanders removes his jacket and puts it under the injured man’s head. He asks, ‘Are you comfortable?’ The injured man says, ‘Eh, I make a living.’
A man was crossing the street when he was struck by a car.
A crowd gathers round, and the nearest bystander kneels down and announces, ‘He’s dead!’ An old man in the back shouts, ‘Give him an enema!’ The first man says, ‘I said he’s dead!’ The old man shouts back, ‘Give him an enema!’ The first stands up and says, ‘He’s dead! An enema isn’t going to help!’ The old man shrugs and says, ‘It couldn’t hurt!’
A man was crossing the street when he was struck by a car.
The man is critically, perhaps mortally, wounded. A crowd gathers, and people call out for a doctor. A man pushes his way through to the victim, saying ‘I’m a doctor!’ He kneels down and speaks directly to the injured man. ‘Before you existed, you didn’t fear becoming alive because there was no “You” to be afraid. When you die, you cease to exist. So there will be no “You” to feel fear.’ Someone says, ‘Hey! I thought you said you’re a doctor!’ The man says, ‘I am. I’m a Doctor of Philosophy.’
A lawyer was crossing the street when he was struck by a car.
As the paramedics are assessing him he asks, ‘How am I?’ A paramedic says, ‘You’ve lost an arm.’ The lawyer cries, ‘My arm! My arm! … Which arm?’ The paramedic says, ‘Your left one, sir.’ The lawyer shouts, ‘My Rolex!’
I accidentally sent my girlfriend a flower that I bought over the internet.
Whoops, e-daisy.
Only one, but he’ll want to do it nineteen times.
The client says, “What’s the bad news?”
“The bad news is that the Governor won’t issue a stay of execution,” replies the lawyer.
“That’s awful. What could possibly be the good news?” asks the client.
The lawyer replies, “I managed to get your voltage reduced.”
when my ship came in I was waiting at the airport.
“Who owns that place?” asks Abel.
“That’s where we used to live,” replies Adam. “Before your mother ate us out of house
and home.”
The first says, “I’ve put down poison, but nothing seems to get rid of them.”
The second says, “I called in the exterminator but he couldn’t eliminate them.”
The third says, “I got rid of all mine. I just baptized them all and I haven’t seen them since.”
This came up on FB:
English Literature: A Community·
These insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words. Insults then, had some class!
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill.
· “That depends, Sir,” said Disraeli, “whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.”
“He had delusions of adequacy.” - Walter Kerr
“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” - Clarence Darrow
“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
6.“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.” - Moses Hadas
“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” - Mark Twain
“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends…” - Oscar Wilde
“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.” - Stephen Bishop
10.“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” - John Bright
“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.” - Irvin S. Cobb
“He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.”
22.“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.”
You’re so old your birth certificate is in Roman numerals.
You’re so old when you were born the Dead Sea was just sick.
You’re so old when you were young rainbows were black and white.
You’re so old you went to school before they had a history class.
You’re so old your social security number is 1.
You’re so old you went to an antique auction and three people bid on you.
You’re so old the key on Ben Franklin’s kite was to your apartment.
'Your work is both witty and original. Unfortunately, the parts that are witty are not original, and the parts that are original are not witty" - unknown (to me at least).
1st violinist to famous conductor - “What did you think of our tempo?”.
Famous conductor to 1st violinist - “Yours was the best”.
I forget who wrote the book, but superb mathematician Gian Carlo Rota wrote this one-line review: “It must be late in the day that Pygmies cast such long shadows.”
A review of the play I am A Camera:
“Me No Leica”.
A one-word review of a performane by the 60s group Bread:
“Crummy”.
my pictures."
when a local approaches him and says, “Bet you’ve got nothing like that where you come from.”
“No,” admits the Texan. “But we’ve got plumbers who could fix it.”
when it started raining really heavily.
It took us an hour and a half to finish our soup.
“Damn,” says the second. “I was going to say that.”
they thought he was heckling.
Often credited to Samuel Johnson (typically in the form: “Your manuscript is both good and original; but the part that is good is not original, and the part that is original is not good.”) However, the earliest known variant dates from a 1781 review by Reverend Martin Sherlock of a collection of Lord Chesterfield’s letters: “In general, throughout the work, what is new is not good; and what is good is not new.” See this page for a fairly exhaustive collection of cites.
Once Pi starts, it never ends.
Calc u later!
Because there’s safety in numbers.
The bartender says “Sorry, I can’t serve you. You’re clearly irrational.”
Thanks for nothing.
Good heavens, that’s funny.