Did you hear about the female butcher who stepped backwards onto the meat slicer? Disaster!
She got behind in her work.
So there was this fellow who worked at the Heinz plant, and one day, he tells his wife “Honey, I have a confession to make. Lately, I’ve been having the urge to stick my dick in the pickle slicer.” Over the next few weeks, she keeps trying to convince him to seek professional help, but he keeps on insisting that it’s too embarrassing.
Finally, one day, he comes home and says “Well, I did it. I stuck my dick in the pickle slicer.” “Oh no, what happened?” “I got fired, of course.” “Yes, but what happened with the pickle slicer?” “Oh, she got fired, too.”
I just found out that my great grandpa was on the Titanic.
Well, actually, he still is.
Interesting fact: Titanic had a salt-water swimming pool. After 111 years, it’s still full!
I told Stevie Wonder that I was going to kick his ass.
He said he’d really like to see me try.
A British Jew is to be knighted by the King.
He is to kneel in front of him and recite a sentence in Latin when he taps him on the shoulders with his sword. However, when his turn comes, he panics in the excitement of the moment and forgets the Latin. Then, thinking fast, he recites the only other sentence he knows in a foreign language, which he remembers from the Passover seder:
“Ma nishtanah halailah hazeh mikol haleilot.”
Puzzled, His Majesty turns to his advisor and whispers, “Why is this knight different from all other knights?”
Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won’t let her…
As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.“First, you must wear a diaphragm.”
Cinderella agrees.“What’s the second condition?” “You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin.” Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m.
The appointed hour comes and goes and Cinderella doesn’t show up.
Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and very satisfied.
“Where have you been?” demands the fairy godmother. “Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!”
“I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything.”
“I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!”
“I can’t remember, exactly… Peter Peter, something or other…”
What did the Egyptians use to travel to the Underworld?
A new bus.
I’m never playing videogames with Jesus again.
It took him 3 days to respawn.
How do you make a waterbed bouncier?
Use spring water.
Octopus: (gun in each hand)
Cat: “You’re one short, dude.”
Bud Light has always been Trans…
It’s water that identifies as beer.
When I was young I used to love making sandcastles with my grandfather.
Then grandma started hiding the urn.
Diddy says he’s still paying Sting $5,000 a day for sampling Every Step You Take.
So much for defunding the Police.
Did you hear about the existential pirate?
“Me thinks, therefore me arrrrrr!”
What do you call a suicide bomber who claims to be able to see the future?
A Tarot-ist.
I love playing with my Oiuja board.
It’s the only game I can still play with my grandparents.
OK, I’m stumped.
Reference to a ‘cat o’ nine tails’?
the (supposed) nine lives of cats.
But I don’t get the Peter pumpkin one ? 
Ah, thanks.
Cindi’s diaphram turned into a pumpkin after midnight, but Peter Peter pumpkin eater took care of business.
And Peter Peter pumpkin eater is…? a song? a fairy tale?
Sarah was in the fertilized egg business. She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells. Sarah’s favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen but, this morning she noticed old Butch’s bell hadn’t rung at all!
When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. To Sarah’s amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring. He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one. Sarah was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in a Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the “No Bell Peace Prize” they also awarded him the “Pulletsurprise” as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.
(Stolen from elsewhen) (and FB)
It’s a nursery rhyme, as others have explained but the rest the rhyme beyond this point is irrelevant to the joke. Anybody who grew up hearing that one will instantly know who “Peter Peter” is without needing to hear anything else.
Ok, thanks. I lacked the cultural reference.
Car salesman: How do you think we keep the cars here so shiny?
Client: Polish?
Salesman: Jak mýslisz jak trzymamysamochody tutaj tak błyszczące?
