I was trying to make a foreskin joke.
Johnny was late for class and his teacher asked him why.
“Sorry Miss. I had to take the bull down to service the cows this morning.”
“Couldn’t your father have done it?”
Johnny thinks for a moment. “No Miss. It has to be a bull.”
And you know why Jesus left the stone rolled aside, right?
Because he was, after all, born in a barn.
Three (insert your regional stereotypical doofus here) go to heaven and are greeted by St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter stops them.
St. Peter says, “Gentlemen. Welcome to heaven. Only those who are Catholic may enter through this gate. Today, in order to prove this, you must answer my question of a catholic observed tradition.”
The men all start to get nervous with sweat starting to appear on their brows with obvious fear of the consequences of not getting into to heaven. St. Peter calls up the first gentlemen.
“Sir, can you tell me – what is Christmas?”, he says, pointing down at the man.
He gulps, “Well… Christmas is a… happy time of year… Where the boys and girls go… Door to door! In costumes! Yeah, that’s it. Then they say ‘Trick or treat’ and get candy and chocolates. That’s Christmas, right?”
“Incorrect!”, St. Peter thunders and the clouds from under the man’s feet open up as he’s swallowed by a ball of flames and is sent to hell. The second man’s knees begin to knock.
“You, sir!” St. Peter says to the second man. “What… is… LENT!”
“Le…Le… Lent?”, he stutters. “Ahh… Lent! Lent is a… happy time of year… When… boys and girls give each other… uh… love letters on lace and heart shaped candy boxes and ask ‘Will you be mine’”, he says batting his eyelashes.
The clouds from under the second man’s feet open up and HE is swallowed by a ball of flames and is sent to hell.
St. Peter by this time puts his hands to his face in obvious frustration, thinking to himself what a waste of time this is, then turns to the third gentleman and asks, “You there, is there any chance that you can tell me what Easter is?”
The third gentleman confidently tells him, “Yes! Yes I can! Easter is, at first, a sad time of year. It is when, on Good Friday, we mourn the death of our savior Jesus Christ.”
St. Peter perks up as the man continues.
“He is crucified and dies on the cross for our sins. They take his lifeless, blood covered body and wrap it cloth and prepare it with oils and perfume. They bury him in a tomb and roll a big rock in front of it”.
Yes, yes! Continue…”, St. Peter pleads, knowing that today he would have finally increased heaven’s population by one.
“Then”, the man continues, “Three days later, on Easter Sunday, the holiest of days, a miracle happens. He rises from the dead. And the big rock in front of the tomb rolls open. Jesus steps out… And if he sees his shadow we get six more weeks of winter!”
It still doesn’t have cloven hoofs.
For some, it could be a death sentence.
It’s all fun and games until someone loses an I.
He shat out half of his innards, too. Yep, there’s a semicolon.
mmm
A couple go to see a magic show in Vegas.
After one especially amazing feat the man yells, “How’d you do that?”
“I could tell you, sir,” replies the magician, “but then I’d have to kill you.”
After a pause the man yells back, “Okay, then. Just tell my wife!”
I called the paper to put in an ad, but…
I couldn’t tell the lady about it 'cause it was classified.
If you move, you’ll end up like us: surrounded by hundreds of cardboard boxes packed by strangers.
You won’t be able to find anything. For example, I’m pretty sure that we used to
have a seven-year-old daughter.
I just had skylights put in.
The people who live above me are furious.
It seems to me that, for every drop of rain that falls…
someone gets wet.
The doctors are warning that he may be permanently in-consonant.
This wasn’t funny the first time let alone the 3rd.
Someone needs to crucify that joke, then make damn sure it does not rise again a year from now.
mmm
Although I guess it’s unintentionally humourous that you’ve used Groundhog day to tell a “joke” 3 times
or it could be intentional.
nm (more words for Discourse)
How do you cut the sea in half?
With a sea-saw.
What do you call a ring of ferrous atoms at a carnival?
A ferrous wheel
Why are men sexier than women?
You can’t spell “sexy” with XY.
Since light travels faster than sound…
people may appear bright before you hear them speak.
Why did the germ cross the microscope?
To get to the other slide.
Without XY?
mmm
Yeah, without. I need to proofread more often.
No worries. It was obviously a typo, I should have just let it go.
That said…
One typo and you wish you were dad.
mmm
When I was 8 or ten, we were in a restaurant somewhere in San Diego. There was a sawfish saw on the wall. I pointed it out to my mom and said, ‘Look! It’s a sea-saw!’
Well, she thought it was clever.