He should see it coming.
I’ve been meaning to post this one since I first saw the MPSIMS thread, and this thread and Derleth’s reply brought it to mind.
From circa 1530, reported by Erasmus:
While saying the Latin Mass, an elderly priest perpetually used the incorrect word “sumpsimus” instead of the correct “mumpsimus”. When a younger priest tried to get him to change his practice, he said, “I’ve been saying it for 40 years. I’m keeping my old mumpsimus, and you can take your new sumpsimus out of here.”
Two men were fishing in a kayak when they became cold.
They lit a fire in the kayak, which burned through the bottom and they sank.
Which goes to show, you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
Farmer Brown had an attractive young wife.
He discovered he couldn’t keep his hands off of her.
So he fired them.
A man swallowed all of the tiles from a Scrabble game.
The doctor said the problem will eventually work itself out, but not in so many words.
How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one; they don’t like to share the spotlight.
I have learned a lot from my mistakes.
If I had to do it all over again, I’m sure I could repeat them exactly.
This is literally how I FINALLY got started on my dissertation. Then, I formatted the (future) text by copy-pasting “all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy” throughout.
Two years later, one of the last actions before printing it was to Ctrl-F for that phrase, to make sure I hadn’t missed any.
His next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.
Married to Shelly Duvall at the time?
Precisely!
Well, it probably wouldn’t be too bad if he only had a vowel movement.
mmm
It was Palm Sunday but because of a sore throat,
5-year-old Johnny stayed home from church with a sitter.
When the family returned home, they were carrying several palm fronds.
Johnny asked them what they were for.
“People held them over Jesus’ head as he walked by,” his father told him.
“Wouldn’t you know it,” Johnny fumed, “the one Sunday I don’t go and He shows up!”
The police pulled me over. An officer came up to my window and said, “Papers.”
I said “Scissors!” and sped away. They’ve been following me for nine blocks. I think he wants a rematch.
I’ve managed 434 days, 12 hours, 47 minutes and 17 seconds of sobriety.
I’m so glad alcohol doesn’t dictate my life any more.
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently you can’t end a sentence with a proposition.
Hey, what’s the deal with Orion’s belt?
It’s just a waste of space.
waist?
Homonym humor.
My wife asked me why I was yelling at my Easter candy.
I told her I’m just giving a shout-out to my peeps.
When I was a child my parents filled my head with nonsense like Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny.
Now that I’m older and wiser, I don’t believe in that sort of nonsense, thank God.
What beer should you drink on Easter??
Rolling Rock
Name one good thing about having dementia.
You can hide your own Easter eggs.
Could someone help me with my crossword clue, “Where they nailed Jesus”? It’s 2 across.
It must have been hard for him to find an A&E.
No word on his condition yet.
I hope Death is a woman.
That way, she won’t come for me.
What do you call a bunch of deaf people?
I don’t know, but it’s definitely not a herd.
How do fish get high?
Seaweed
I was raised as an only child.
It was very difficult for my sister.
My friend says he climbed to the top of Mt. Everest last year.
But he tells a lot of tall tales, so I’m not sure if he made it up.
There are even 3 good things about having dementia:
- You meet new people every day
- You can hide your own Easter eggs
- You meet new people evert day
A mohel decided to retire after 40 years of practice. All those 40 years he had saved each and every foreskin. Upon retirement, he took all the foreskins to a leather shop, and asked the proprietor to craft something from them.
After two weeks, he’s called back to the leather shop, and handed a change purse.
“After 40 years, collecting all those foreskins, all I get is a coin purse?”
The proprietor replied, “Stroke it a little, it turns into a 3-piece set of luggage!”
There was a mohel who was so well-known, they called him Max the Knife.
Thank you! Try the calamari!
It’s not kosher.
What if it chews its cud?