A man is on vacation in Jamaica. He’s relieving himself at a urinal, next to a Jamaican who works at the resort.
He says to the Jamaican, “hey, sorry to stare— I couldn’t help but notice you have the name ‘Wendy’ tattooed on your penis. So do I! It’s my wife’s name. What a coincidence!”
The Jamaican says, “the A/C in here is a little cold for my liking. My tattoo actually says ‘Welcome to Jamaica! Have a nice day’”.
And they make up everything.
Reese Witherspoon is getting divorced from her spooning partner of 12 years:
She’ll now be known as ‘Reese Withouterspoon’.
What, too spoon?
The little girl replied ‘because everyone is sleeping.’
“Have you ever worked in retail?”
Is it still called a beef?
Darth Brooks.
The Russian military invading Ukraine all have Z’s, and the Ukrainians fighting back are the “Not Z’s”.
most of them would drown.
He berated me.
is sphere itself.
The entire cemetery disappeared.
That means all Muslim children grow up to fast.
Well, that’s not as bad as getting degraded, I guess.
Or F’ed over.
Did you know that Peruvian owls tend to hunt in packs?
Because they’re Inca hoots.
How long does it take to explain the difference between anarchy and monarchy? Just a mo.
Sad news: It is with great sadness that we report the passing of the Pillsbury Doughboy. The cause of his death was from a yeast infection and trauma from repeated pokes in his belly.
Doughboy was buried in a greased coffin, with the gravesite piled high with flours.
Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects; including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, The Hostess Twinkies, and Capt. Crunch.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.
Born and raised in Minnesota, Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being flakey at times, he was still a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, and his three children: John Dough, Jane Dough, and Dosey Dough. He and his wife also had one in the oven. He is also survived by his father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
First I was afraid, then I was petrified.
Dunno, they can’t account for their problems.
It’s a real deal. 11,000 miles, seats 26.
It hertz.
Goodbye, normal jeans.
Joke of the week
Glad you liked it.
The woman perked up and said, “How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!”
“What a coincidence,” the farmer said. “This is a special day for me; I am celebrating.”
“This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,” said the woman.
“What a coincidence!” said the farmer. As they clinked glasses, he added, “What are you celebrating?”
“My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!”
“What a coincidence!” said the man. “I’m a chicken farmer, and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.”
“That’s great!” said the woman, “How did your chickens become fertile?”
“I used a different rooster,” he replied.
The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, “What a coincidence!”
”I mean, it’s just one boat” they said. ”How bad can it be?”.
I learned Next to Nothing.
If you can’t helium, and you can’t curium, then you might as well barium.
It’s going to be a play on words.
I’ve been trying for years to get a professional hide and seek tournament going.
But good players are hard to find.
It drives my girlfriend crazy. She’s a palm reader and wants to know what happens next.
so now I just have to fill in the rest.
–Steven Wright
Because if they were small, white and smooth, they’d be eggs.
The butcher points to some beef hanging from the rack and says,
“I bet you $10 that you can’t touch that meat.”
“No thanks,” replies the man. “The steaks are too high.”
The Opening Day baseball game was played in Oakland against Los Angeles. Although some in the crowd were Angels fans, most were Athletics supporters.
How does The Rock urinate?
He dwaines his johnson.
One of my longtime favorites was to ask, “Did you hear about that actress who got stabbed? Reese something or another?”
Then when your listener says, “Witherspoon” you say, “No, with a KNIFE, silly!”
Everyone I know is SO sick of that one!
A baby boy was born with no eyelids. The doctor says, “This isn’t a big deal. He was circumcised, so we’ll just use the foreskin to create eyelids.” Afterwards, the doctor proclaimed the surgery a success, but the parents complained, “Now he’s cockeyed!”
“And he gets pinkeye a lot.”