Is eating them won ton cruelty, then?
Won ton gluttony.
Wanton disregard.
Wont some more.
OK, I know the reference, but I still don’t get it.
Yeah, me neither, and I watched a ton of Simpsons.
Jeremy Renner (Hawkeye) came off worse against a plough
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Madonna!
Madonna Who?
That’s showbiz.
I met the Surgeon General.
He offered me a cigarette.
– Rodney Dangerfield
Harry gets a job as a weatherman in the Far East;
however, try as he might, he can never get a forecast right.
Eventually he’s fired and has to fly home. A friend asks why he’s back so soon.
Harry replies, “The climate didn’t agree with me.”
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice.
But in practice, there is.
I held a Festival of Peace and Meditation.
The neighbors complained about the quiet.
A couple are sitting in a restaurant when the man suddenly slips under the table.
His female companion doesn’t seem to notice so the waiter says, “Madam. Is your husband all right? He’s slipped on the floor.”
The woman replies, “He’s not my husband. My husband just walked through the door.”
What’s the difference between a Northern fairy tale and a Southern fairy tale?
A Northern fairytale starts, “Once upon a time…”
A Southern fairytale begins, “Y’all ain’t gonna believe this…
Before you came along we were hungry.
Now we’re fed up.
A dead English lord and his dead butler run into each other in Hell.
“My lord,” the butler exclaims. “What are you doing here?”
The lord sighs, “I’m here because I lied, cheated, and stole to pay the debts run up by that playboy son of mine. But you were a faithful, loyal servant. Why are you here?”
The butler replies, “For fathering your playboy son.”
How can you keep milk from turning sour?
Keep it in the cow.
A little girl goes to her local library to take out a book called Advice for Young Mothers.
“Why do you want a book like that?” says the librarian.
The little girl replies, “Because I collect moths.”
Tom and Dick are building a house when Tom sees Dick going through a bag of nails.
He looks at each nail in turn and some he puts into a box and others he throws into a trash can.
“Why are you throwing those nails away?” asks Tom.
“Because they’re pointed at the wrong end,” says Dick.
“You idiot,” replies Tom. “Those nails are for the other side of the house.”
A man walks into a butcher’s shop and asks, “Have you got a sheep’s head?”
The butcher replies, “No, it’s just the way I brush my hair.”
Darth Vader, to Luke Skywalker: “I know what you’re getting for your birthday, Luke.
I have felt your presents.”
A Frenchman with a parrot perched on his shoulder walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “Wow, that’s really lovely. Where did you get him?”
“In France,” replies the parrot. “They’ve got millions of ’em.”
Which Hawkeye, the Marvel superhero, the M * A * S * H doctor or Nathaniel Bumppo?
I don’t get it.
Hawkeye, the Marvel superhero, is played by Jeremy Renner. This winter Jeremy was run over by a snowplow trying to help someone else. He spent an extended time in the hospital and is working on physical rehab at home.
Am I invisible?
Merely overlooked among the laugh tracks, I surmise.
Can someone explain Homer Simpson = Mr. Plow?
That was his job before becoming a nuclear safety inspector, driving a snowplow. Though I think it only came up in one episode.
In one episode Homer bought a big truck and started a plowing company called Mr. Plow. He even had a jingle:
“Mr. Plow, that’s my name… that name again is Mr. Plow!”
(Looks around) who said that?
I made a belt out of old wristwatches.
It was a complete waist of time.
It’s wierd that they call childbirth ‘delivery’.
It’s really just takeout.
My wife was very disappointed when I told her I had the words “I Love You” tattooed on my penis.
She said, “There you go again, trying to put words in my mouth.”
What did the triangle say to the circle?
You’re pointless.
I don’t trust atoms.
If you run them through a background check, you’ll see they always carry charges.
My pharmacist mixed up my prescriptions for Ritalin and Viagra.
I tried to pay attention, but it was really hard.
Some people say that it is wrong to fill balloon animals with helium…
but whatever floats your goat.