These sure are some crummy jokes.
Don’t try the gift shop there. I hear it’s pure poison.
What’s orange and lives in a forest, but isn’t a fox?
I lied. It was a fox.
A snake walked into a bar.
The bartender said, “How did you do that?”
I’m really tired about people coming to my door and telling me I have to be “saved” or I’ll “burn”.
Stupid firefighters.
Why don’t calculus majors throw house party.
They know you can’t drink and derive.
If you’re bad at delegating…
…get someone else to do it.
I caught my kid reading Fahrenheit 451, and asked him how he liked it.
He said, “It’s pretty lit.”
Did you hear the one about the guy who owned 40 cats and a pet boa constrictor?
Sorry… 39 cats and a pet boa constrictor…
I’ve decided I want a pet termite. I’m going to call him Clint.
Clint Eatswood
A walkie-talkie invited a lump of coal to dinner and a movie.
Classic example of radio-carbon dating.
Why did the walrus feel bad about himself?
Because he was untuskworthy.
Ha, love a good bad pun.
Clint the termite walks into a bar.
Asks, “is the bar tender here?”
A termite couple in a restaurant: “Table for two, please.”
A little late, but …
Jesus: Table for 26 please.
Tavern owner: But … you guys are only 13?
Jesus: Yeah, but we all like to sit on the same side.
Da Vinci was far ahead of his time in his understanding of sitcom camera framing.
Thank God this didn’t go where I was expecting.
A beautiful woman walks into a bar.
“What’ll it be?” asks the bartender.
“I’ll have a double entendre,” she said…
So he gave it to her.
There’s a highway to hell but a stairway to heaven.
Says a lot about traffic expectations.
I was recently diagnosed with fear of giants:
Fee-fi-phobia.
Me (shaking a Magic 8-Ball): Will my vision ever get better?
Coconut:
I’m not saying she’s a gold digger…
…but she does have an unusual amount of mining equipment.
no message 
Heard at a medical conference:
Jean-Claude invites his friend Jean-Charles to his theme party where everyone has to come dressed as an emotion.
He greets his first guest, who is dressed from head to toe in red. “Nice to see you, Jean Luc. But can you explain your costume?”
“Jean-Claude, I am red with hanger!”
“Great costume! Come into the party!”
He greets his second guest, who is dressed from head to toe in green. “Nice to see you, Jean Jacques. But can you explain your costume?”
“Jean-Claude, I am green with henvy!”
“Great costume! Come into the party!”
Then he sees his friend Jean-Charles. He is naked. But on closer look, his privates are mostly covered by a small fruit.
“That is an unusual costume! Can you explain?”
“Jean-Claude, I am fucking in dis pear!”
(Apologies for the stereotypical accents and such. If it is any consolation the joke was told by a Quebecois doctor.)
He forgot about Jean-Jacket, who then arrived, also naked, but with a pie pan covering his privates, surrounded by a bunch of gooey yellowish stuff. When asked what emotion he was, he replied “I’m fucking dis custard!”
Yup, I first heard that joke as 2 Jamaicans arriving at the party - “I am fucking dis custard, and my friend is in dis pear.”.
I just flew in from a Transformers convention…
…and, boy, my arms are tires.
Gas stations are running out of gas in Florida, and drivers are panic buying, fearing a shortage.
It’s a self-fuelfilling prophecy.
Scientists have invented a pill that will cure your thirst.
Of course, you do have to take it with two full glasses of water.
Monopoly is fun but it has some really old stuff that isn’t valid anymore.
There’s free parking, a luxury tax and rich people can actually go to jail.
Don’t get in line behind Satan at the tax office:
The devil takes many forms.
There’s a sure cure for the common cold.
Wrap yourself up in blankets, and drink three or four glasses of scotch. Repeat daily. In a week or ten days, you’ll be well!
[This has a better effect when spoken]
Q: Did you hear about the guy who bowled three hundred and one?
A: No - tell me about it.
Q: Did you ever see someone bowl three hundred and lose?
Yep, that’s one I learned as a kid. It reminds me of this physical joke:
I have eleven fingers.
What? No, you don’t!
Sure I do! [counting fingers on one hand] One, two, three, four, five… [counting fingers on the other hand] Ten, nine, eight, seven, six. Six and five are eleven!
[I had cataract surgery yesterday. It all went well, but I’m not really seeing well enough to do much online today. Tomorrow, more jokes!]
I don’t get that one.
mmm